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suggestion please

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by suryaveda, Jan 7, 2010.

  1. suryaveda

    suryaveda New IL'ite

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    hi frnds...

    frst time my mil coming to US nxt month. am not tht much of close with HER. From my marriage time, SHE always scolds me without any reason.
    DH is helpless, hez not giving support to me. now SHE is coming to my place for a short trip. im getting tense of it.

    please give suggestion, how to going cool with HER in this time.
     
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  2. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Best part is that you know you have to be cool with HER:)

    So try to practice IGNORING as much as possible. Develop some invisible flaps on your ears and whenever she starts throwing her tantrums look at her with blank expression and EXIT the place.

    At the same time, think of her as that annoying neighbour/relative who came to visit/stay at your house. How would you deal with those people? Just do what is necessary, be courteous and dont even pay attention to what they brag about or point out fingers at/remarks.... The moment you show any reaction or signs of upset feelings, she knows the key to your heart/brain....dont give that key ...Keep peace of your family.
     
  3. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    suryaveda
    i agree with srividya
    when you know she is a trouble maker its better you stay out of it
    ignoring somethings are really good in life
    its a short trip so dont worry much
     
  4. arthidiva

    arthidiva Silver IL'ite

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    I love this 'invisible flaps on ears' idea of yours.. after your post to me, it has been working quiet well in my case. when something I dont want to hear is said behind my face :hide:, I tightly shut this invisible flap and oohhhh I am at peace! I feel those unwanted words are meant to the wall :rotfl


    Suryaveda, because this is the first time she is coming to your place and you play the host, plan well and act on it..

    BTW, whats this scolding about? No one needs to scold anyone:spin! Please TALK when you have to. Dont let her rule over you and then worry that you are being tortured.. TALK for yourself when you have to. Dont wait for your DH to support or stand up for you. Just make sure you are being polite when you talk back. Give a explanation for your stance if need be. But do not torture yourself nor bend so much that you will repent later... Do everything for her as much as you WANT. Do not force yourself to do something you cant or you dont want just to be titled as a Good DIL. No one is going to give you the title dear, so do your best and leave it to her to title you. Use the invisible flaps if she titles you bad. who cares!

    Few tips here -

    1. Always keep a smile and a welcoming behaviour until you find her obviously annoying or irritating you.

    2. Because this will be a great chance for your MIL to 'judge' you, she will be all eyes and ears open. So do this - do your regular household chores with immense confidence.. Any sign you show that you are not sure of doing some chore, she will take it as the best opportunity and start from there.. I am not making her look like a devil. but just be more aware than her.

    3. Do NOT complain to your DH about MIL because this is your trial period and even if he is the nicest guys, he would think you are not trying to adjust with MIL.. so dont complain to him..

    4. If your MIL is the chatting types and your DH wants to give her company chatting till late night, PLS join them. Do not ignore this as the mom and son chat, why involve and later feel bad that they are ignoring you.

    5. For your monthly shopping / grocery shopping, etc, do it as you are doing now.. do not change practises.. Like take MIL with you but do not let her go with your DH and once that becomes a habit, do not crib that they leave you out..

    6. Befriend your MIL, keep aside her character, or her attitude towards you. Take a step forward in being friendly with her.. For all you know she might like it. See what she likes, like watching TV, or going for a walk, etc. If she likes to walk TV, get her to see her fav TV programmes, get her movies that you both can watch. or take her to nearby park for a walk.. If you know driving, take her to the malls or some sightseeing just for timepass.

    If you start to like her, good for everyone:cheers. But if she keeps troubling you on something as silly as cooking style, housekeeping style.. the point 2 will help. Learn to ignore as SriVidya said. That will help you cross half the ocean.


    I think I have poisoned you enough! - just kidding:bonk. My views may not be the same as yours. Take it or leave it. Just be careful that this being the first time to host your MIL, this will be the expectations and benchmarking for the next time. So be as nice and reasonable as possible, but dont let go of your self respect and individuality:thumbsup. All the best.
     
  5. dharshiniusa

    dharshiniusa Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi,
    suryaveda keep ur mind cool anyway its a short visit...artidiva ur great i always look forward to ur posts..v v practical things u give and its a reality...my inlaws stayed with me after marriage nearly 2 years ..they took me for a ride...
    had i read these before my life would have been more better...i was very childish so i made them rule over me...my stories later...surya be kind,but be smart too:cheers:cheers
     
  6. suryaveda

    suryaveda New IL'ite

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    thnk u all :)

    arthi,
    SHE is having different mentality than others. SHE compares and scolds me with HER DD,DS. i hv nt done a big job like bank manager, swe.....i wrkd as a fin.exi....is this big prob to scold? i dnt thinkso.....and also she demanded to my pay, never given such a value to me atleast. all house work i done, wen i was with them. hmmm...thts y i hate those people, wen i cal them i wil talk nrmly..hru, wat u doing lke tht. dnt wnt to move close, hv nt tht much of freeness also......

    ya...i wil try to keep cool myself first....coz am v.short temper,,,anybody scolds me without my mistake, i cant bear.

    sure wil follow ur tips :)..
     
  7. Happysoul1234

    Happysoul1234 Gold IL'ite

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    surya I am short tempered as well and this has gotten me into loads of trouble with my mil. but based on my experiences I can give you the following advice.

    1. Understand that your MIL has nothing better to do than criticize you. This is not going to change. What has to change is how you react to it.

    She gets pleasure out of watching you react to your words. So you simply need to stop reacting! it takes practice but it can be done. You cannot answer her back but what you can do is pretend you did not hear it. I used to get up and leave the room, turn the tv volume higher or hum a song out loud. My MIL gave me the wierdest looks (and comments) but after some time, she just gave up because she was not getting a reaction out of me.

    2. Do your daily chores with confidence. If she questions or comments, just smile and say nothing! As they say in India, "sunna sabki, karna manki."

    3. Pick your battles. Do not complain to your DH about each and every thing she says or does. For example, say she says you need to wash veggies before cutting, just do it. What's the big deal? But is she says something bad about your parents, then definitely bring it up with DH.

    4. Be extra nice to her in front of DH. if she is rude , be even nicer. let dh see you making an effort.

    If nothing else works, give her a few choice gaalis in your mind, smile widely and move on!
     
  8. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    Surya,

    Your MIL knew at the time of marriage that you dont have a big job. If it was such a big problem, why did she let her son marry you at all? As long as your DH is fine with it, who cares what she wants?

    If she keeps nagging you too much - just give a calm reply that " We ( you and DH) are happy and fine with the way things are. So, please dont spoil your health worrying too much about this issue. We will manage ourselves."

    Obviously, her intent is to make you feel bad. Dont let her do that.

    Like most other IL ites adviced, best and most effective way to deal with this behavior is to practice "IGNORING". "To ignore" doesnt mean you are "Giving up". It means that you are least interested in this topic and would like to dignify it no further by giving a response.

    So, when she starts scolding, behave like you are deaf and not hearing what she is saying. Just continue what you are doing, or if you feel like go to the living room and turn on and watch the TV, read a book without even looking at MIL etc. After a while , just talk to her normally about a totally unrelated topic with a smile as if nothing happened.

    Keep doing this everytime she starts a discussion to scold you.
    For eg: If she makes bad comments on how you cook and says - "Your sambar is so pathetic. Who the hell taught you to cook ?". Dont even look at her or give her an answer. Just walk out or continue with whatever you are doing.

    Trust me, nothing irritates an agitated person more than someone giving a total deaf ear to her.
     

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