Strange situation - don't know how to deal with it

Rajnigandha · Mar 13, 2014

My sister is married and has a 4 year old son. She lives very close to my mom with whom she can keep her son when she goes to work. Things were going smooth so far.

When I speak to my mom I hear my nephew all sorts of noises and he is a trouble maker. My mom who is nearing 70 needs to clean up after him and bear his mischief all the time. He is being a boy and is not disciplined at all. I tried speaking to my sister about it, but since she has long work hours she herself does not have time to spend with him. Her husband is very lenient with my nephew too. He thinks that's showing him his love but we all feel he is simply spoiling him.

To give you an instance of his mischief:
- Turns the plastic chair upside down and jumps on it - have broken it a couple times in the past (ofcourse, buying a new chair costs money for my mom)
- Brings his bicycle inside the house, and washes it with tumbler and cloth (all this in the living room, not in the bathroom). My mom has to end up cleaning everything
- Make noises and shouts on purpose when I call my mom, so she cannot hear (She has a hearing trouble too)
- When my mom tries to explain or scold him, he laughs loudly and even hits her at times.
I am not sure of my sister, but I am fed up of his mischief and I feel that is taking a toll on my mom as far as her health and stress is concerned. Ideally, it is the parents who should take the initiative to discipline their children, and not the grandparents. Grandparents cannot be harsh after a certain limit. It's not their children.

Keeping him with my sister's in-laws is not an option.

My dilemma is - should I tell my sister to keep him in a daycare instead of with my mom? This would not only free up my mom of all the stress and trouble, but would also discipline him before its too late (he is 4 already). If I tell this to my sister, will my brother-in-law mind? I am not sure how will he or my sister feel about me or my mom? They might feel my mom instigated me to tell them, but that is not the case. My mom will suffer but will never tell my sister. I generally try to resolve matters by explaining or talking, but can't do in this case, as both my sister and brother-in-law do not listen, but will only yell or take things to heart (especially my sister), no matter what I say to her.

Thanks for taking time to read my lengthy post and hope you understand my dilemma. What would you do in such as situation?

Sonali222 · Mar 13, 2014

Just talk to your sister once about all this very calmly and tell her very strict point that if your mom strained more now her lifetime will be reduced or if she will take rest our mom will be with us more days

hope2b · Mar 13, 2014

Totally agree with you. Your mom is the boys granny, not a nanny at age 70. Think of ways to subtely letting your sis would understand. Eg, tell your sis, oh look your boy has so much energy, Mumm loves him so much that although he washes his bike in the living room, spraying all over, mum doesn't seem to mind. Remember how we used to dirty up house while growing up, certainly mom even at this age with all sorts of body aches is not minding at all. I wish I can be the same at that age. Although she doesn't let me know, I feel she needs to take bit more rest at this age. What do you say sis??

peartree · Mar 14, 2014

Rajnigandha, before you jump the gun and talk to your sister, talk to your mom and ask her first if she would like you to talk to your sister. Your talking to your sister should not cause issues between your sis and mom. What I have seen with grandparents usually is that they will just mention that the grandchild is naughty, but would never like it when someone else points it out, even the child's own parents! So talk to mom first to ask her if she would like to speak with your sister.

All said and done, it is your sister who is closer in proximity to your mom, so sitting here far away, you cannot be a good judge of the situation just via the couple of minutes of phone call with your mom.

aamrapali · Mar 14, 2014

My first recommendation will be not to interfere. Just from my experience - did a lot of interfering and mediation, all with good intentions, between my family members - and the irony is today everybody has patched up with everyone else, and I left out alone on an island!

My second recommendation if you absolutely want to interfere would be to have a dialogue with ALL 3 of you together - mother, sister, and you. Else, down the line there will be a lot of "he said, she said, no I did not say that, when did I say this, you misunderstood," and a whole lot of other crap!

msm · Mar 14, 2014

I completely agree with Amrapali - while being long distance when you can feel your mother's stress levels why can't your sister realize that? My suggestions for a subtle indication would be

1) Have your mother call your sister just casually during the day and let her hear all her son's screams/noises
2) When your sister come to pick him up let her see the mess that he has created at your mother's place. Just ask your mother not to clean up till your sister sees it whenever he makes the house a mess, just have your mother tell her, oh am tired so far, yet to clean-up after you take him in the evening once for all for the day, otherwise I keep on cleaning it multiple times like that
Do you get what I mean?

Idea is your sister should see/feel what you feel for your mother. Then only it will solve the problem. Neither you/mother complaining directly about the boy's mischief will help...

yellowmango · Mar 14, 2014

I agree with peartree. You need to talk to your mom first.
What is sure is that your poor mom is being exploited and your sister seems a little inconsiderate. Talk to mom and ask her to convey to sister that she needs help.Your sister and brother in law are working. Let them sponsor a maid for not just helping with the child but also to help her in her old age. It is sad how people make old parents/in laws work to the bones in their old age when they should be free of all their worldly responsibility.

Shiva9 · Mar 14, 2014

Agree with all good posts here and some suggestions are brilliant!
You cannot ignore and stay away from a situation for fear of blame from relatives specially when it"s the mom suffering! Sometimes you have to do the right thing even if everyone turns around and blames you! You are not going to have peace of mind keeping away from this situation. Every time u talk to your mom, it's going to bother you. When u take the time n explain to your sister, even if she gets upset n stops dropping the kid with your mom, that"s when she n your BIL will actually realize how much of a big responsibility it is to look after a 4 year old over-active child. Unfortunately, some times good lessons r learned and issues are resolved in a hard way. As long as intentions are good, you have nothing to worry!

amnilakshmi · Mar 14, 2014

hey at the age of 4 all kids are like this... they will learn to be disciplined as they start going to school... Why dont you ask your mom to talk to your sis. next why doesnt your mom teach him good habits like he shud not shout and such things.. as your sis doesnt have time, i think your mom can also take the initiative...

deepti9 · Mar 14, 2014

If he is 4 then he should be joining school in June this year. Did you think of that?? So soon she will be taking care of him only for few hours before your sister is back. Your mom can also ask your sister to arrange for a maid just for the evening time after his school.