Strained marital relationship after baby is born

shruti1487 · Apr 9, 2015

I'm Gng thru the tough time of my life as if the birth of my son jinxed my relationship with everyone. First my parents abandoned me and left me alone when I needed th the most, and now my husband. He is a good person but I'm very short tempered and aggressive by nature. When my parents left me, he told me not to worry and that he will support me and he actually did. But I guess it was lot for him to take on depending on the fact that he never used to work before. Now I'm almost 6 weeks postpartum and he expects me to behave and do work normally I ised to do before. He is a clean freak, never was fussy before but now he nags like anything. He nags me for marks on stove, marks on refrigerator and dishwasher doors, kitchen floor..there isn't a huge mess and I do clean it, but still I don't know from where he sees it.

Affer the episode from my parents, even though my parents picked up the fights coz of my husband's cleaning habit, I've somehow started to blame him. I've started to hate him after I got the message from my sister saying I don't have guts to stand against my angry husband. Now I hate him so much. Infact I am also getting vibes that he does hate me. Forexample, today I didn't swaddle my son to sleep and he was half-awake and my husband always kisses him and disturbs him when he is sleeping. I shouted at my husband to keep the baby down in the bassinet, and that coz of him babys sleep is disturbed and that now I will have to feed him again. He got mad at me and pushed me. He abused me and went to the other room saying that e wishes I and my baby dies. I'm not crying coz I know he doesn't mean any of it, but I got a sense that my relationship is not getting any better.

I feel no intimacy or love for him and I get the same feeling from him. We both are getting distant and truth is I don't even want to resolve is. I want to stay away from him and I'm actually glad he went to the other room to sleep. Why are we both getting into this? It wasn't the case before u parents left, but our relationship has gotten poor after they picked up the fight and left us. Please suggest. And yes no therapy or counselling will help coz he doesn't want to see any therapist.

CrayoNess · Apr 9, 2015

Getting a baby is a huge change for both parents. It is important to focus on getting enough to sleep, cut out all unnecessary distractions/work/chores. It will get better when the baby starts to sleep the nights.

A little bit strange saying that your parents abandoned you. You are a grown up, married woman with a child. Why would you need your parents as you are not a child anymore.

Give your relationship some time. Focus on not being mean to your DH, get rest and enjoy the baby. Things will change.

yellowmango · Apr 9, 2015

Op..sit with your husband and talk to him.Tell him you have a baby to look after now and you cannot clean the way he wants.Period.
If he feels things have to be spotless ,then he can take over the cleaning bit. Tell him you can do what you feel needs to be done...I have to take care of the baby.

Radhai · Apr 9, 2015

The time you are losing now will not return. Put things back in perspective, you have a wonderful life/H/baby at hand that you are letting them slip by for trivial reasons.

Harini73 · Apr 9, 2015

Both of you have to make a lot of adjustment to accommodate your baby need right now.

Just stop this blame game.You or your husband are not any way responsible for the fight.So,stop answering back or shouting at your husband .

Both of you should take rest and concentrate on your baby and your health. Explain it your husband that you will need some time to recover your health and adjust to the baby routine.Or else both of you can divide the work.You cook and take care of the baby and rest of the cleaning let your husband take care. You can help him if you feel like.

Enjoy your baby now.

Take care.

Sivasakthigopi · Apr 9, 2015

Hi,

You write Many threads regarding your Problem!
Through your thereads, I found that you are not stable and your not able to judge what is right and what is wrong?

Listen One Thing,

Your Life is in your hand only!
According to me, For my First Pregnancy, I went through C Section. My Mom, Grandma, My MIL and My husband helps me in Hospital.

5th day of my Son Birthday, I moved to my MIL home instead of mine. It is their customs to bring us there instead of my Mom home.

Our Son's name ceremony held at only 15 day of his birthday.

I stayed 10 days in my MIL Home, It is single hall and Kitchen only! My Husband is only son, we went separate after married due to Love marriage, My husband keeps my privacy and my happy.

In that house, With me, My MIL and some relatives from native stayed. I cant able to feed my baby properly, I cant able to take rest, No one can help me! When my mom visit me, i really cried.

So she comes two days once and take care of my Kid.

My work, I need to keep baby safe, (So many Kids in home near 5, All are naughty, One Kid just put pillow on my son face within seconds. So i never slept in morning. I take care of him. I need to make hot water own, I need to make juice own, I need to dressing my wound own, I need to help my son bath (My mil help me to bath him), I need to dress him, I need to dig his washed cloths in Detoil water and need to dry myself with wound, I need to serve juice and tea for guests, Need to make food for them etc etc.,

My kid completely sleep in morning and wake up in night. So again i lost my sleep in night. But i dont mind.

After 10 days i went my mom home!

Here, i have support of my grandma, mom, my sissy, my mom sister etc

But this 10 days made me to take care of everything with wound!

I never fought with my Hubby for these days!
I never fought with my MIL for this!
I never ask her to allow me to go my home!
I never made issues!

My MIL always not concentrate on infections. But i clean home every day with detol water, with help of my husband i dried bed in sun light, even i clean the toys, sterilize all of my baby things like cup, spoon, bottle, etc., Keep seperate soap, Hair Oil, Shampoo, etc.,

From above I learned one thing, My Son is my soul, i need to protect him at any cost, this is my duty, god gave me my Son, that he trust me. MIL house or mine both are mine only! I need to overcome all."

I do all works till now, Now i succeed. Still i use detol to clean home instead of Lizol etc., I have so many business works, I have so many visitors, buyers who come to my home daily, Relatives, still i don't expect any one for help!

But you really waste your life! Why you have no thinking ability. You life is decided with your husband, Your husband needs clean in all things. But he loves you both more. You spoil your relationship!

Your Sister and Parents Fought with you, you always think about them only! Why not you think to take steps to reunite all or try to solve problem.

Pregnancy and delivery is one of our Life change, it is not a disease like Typoid or Diarrhea to need any support!

Like me many of us have no support in pregnancy and take care of kid and themselves. Why you don't agree this!

Again one thing, First conclude your self, what is your problem and you just put thread regarding that! But as per my point of view, you dont follow any of us tips and advice. You again post the same!

Sorry if i hurt you! But i really wants to show your happy life which your missing atpresent!

SGBV · Apr 9, 2015

I don't think wanting a spotless kitchen and clean floor/washroom is a sin. I am a cleanliness freak and I don't thing such complaints about the cleaning part is a huge issue here. Because, you know your husband, and his cleanliness issues already. It is really hard to adjust if you are used this way.

But frankly tell your husband that you do have so much other works with the new baby, in addition to coping up with your bodily issues. I am sure, he will understand when you speak it up calmly. Explain to him how hard it is to go through sleep deprivation, breast feeding time tables, attending the baby's needs 24/7 while healing from the delivery. Further, you are up to do the chores without any help. Kindly request him to take care of the cleaning bit, while you are busy with other tasks.
Dont fight for this.

As for kissing the baby when he/she is about to sleep... I know what it is exactly. Till today, I am struggling with my toddlers sleep patterns. She wakes up during the middle of the nights, and plays. Whereas I have become the night owl at home to give her the company. It is frustrating.
Specially, when someone (in my case my H) kisses the sleeping baby, and making them to awake; thus never sleep in the next few hrs, will bring the bad me out. But please try to understand. Your H is having his time with his kid. How can you stop or restrict?

If the kid wakes up, then ask him to play with him/her for a while, and you take some rest. Don't bear all the responsibilities and burden yourself.

sindmani · Apr 9, 2015

Hi Maam. Please ask ur dh to share chores of cleaning home with u ur probs will be solved.

shruti1487 · Apr 9, 2015

Yeah you all are right. I don't have any thinking ability. My husband tried to help me with the chores. It's just that he gets super angry these days when something happens that he doesn't like it.

Im not a kid anymore. I didn't need my parents. I'd my parents had not visited me at all, I would have managed things separately. The reason im upset about my parents abandoning me is because of the mental stress and not because I needed them for work. The emotional stress I am in, the craving to speak with my mother and sister. Yeah they are wrong and I can't accept the fact that my mother can actually do something like that.

I also love love my son dearly. I'm not mentally strong, especially after my parents left. Life has never been so easy on me. Relocation, job losses, debt etc has made me insecure. I can feel that I don't love my husband anymore and I'm sure he feels the same towards me. Anyways, thanks a lot for your replies.