Still anyone follow this customs in your house?

Sdiva20,

I am not apologizing for what I said. Only for the fact that it seemed to offend you.
(I know after reading your post that it did not)

Is it wrong to treat SIL with respect? Even if it means they give more respect to SIL than DIL, I would not take it personally. As long as I have a warm, understanding relationship with them. He is after all married to their DD, who is far from her parents and living with him. I find nothing wrong in it. Its a practical concern they have for their daughter's well being. Why does it have to be a competition?

Further, they may have some things to discuss with SIL, that they do not want DIL to hear. Are you not intruding on their privacy then?

Do you still think its appropriate behavior on your part? Like you, I will not let any one treat me disrespectfully, but I won't treat them disrespectfully either.

You say your ILs are nice people and you share a warm and friendly relation with your ILs. So, can you not give them the benefit of doubt for once, and ask them the reason after SIL has gone? Could you not be nice in return?

If you have such good relations with them, why would you think they are trying to demean you. You mention you would not let any one treat you disrespectfully. Why do you think they are disrespecting you, if you really are on such good terms with each other?

Not sure what you mean by "unlike so many people who constantly nit-pick everything their MIL does, I actually share a very warm and friendly relationship". Do you mean people posting in this thread are constantly nit-picking everything their MIL does, and have bad relationships with their MILs? Are you implying you are better than all of us 'nit-pickers'? Could you say what you mean clearly?

 

In saying that the practice of a DIL having to stand up when SIL makes his presence known is demeaning, I take into consideration the society and the intention. In the Indian society, women give dowry (call it gifts or any other term) to secure a good husband. A woman's parents pay for the lavish wedding- in some cases emptying their savings (how many men do you know that gave dowry to the woman's family and how many parents of women that demanded hefty dowry?) Then the woman has to supposedly leave her family ( she does not even belong to the family she is born) and in many cases consider the man who is her husband but for all intents and purposes a stranger her everything almost overnight. It is her duty to earn and do housework and take care of his parents (because we don't see many men leaving their families and living with the wives family and taking care of her parents now, do we?). If in the rare instance we do, our society calls that man by demeaning names.

Now turn the situation and SIL is treated as a prince when he goes to meet his wife's parents house. How is any of this fair?

I never said anything about not extending courtesy to the SIL. But how it is being courteous to one when it is at cost of another? Courtesy would be to treat the SIL and DIL exactly the same manner as both are related through marriage. But does that happens?

My own mother tried this whole treating the SIL special with her own brand of drama after I got married. One day we were finishing dinner and I got up and took my plate away. My mom asked me to take my husband's. I did not like her whole intent and I asked why? My sister too supported me. My husband had no idea what we ladies were squabbling about and finally my sister told him. He adores my mom and always takes her side in everything but this is probably the only time he explained very sweetly that "no she does not have to. She is my wife and it is not what I want from her." The point was to nix that kind of behavior right in the beginning. Now tell me, will a man's mother ever tell him to pick his wife plate and put in the dishwasher after she finishes? Why does the woman have to serve?

The chivalry thing of man standing up is sweet because the intent is not to humiliate or disrespect the man. The intent is what it is all about.

 

I think you are really getting confused. I was speaking in hypotheticals. My PIL don't have a SIL as they don't have a daughter. I was going with the OP's situation. I am not the OP and it is not my situation.

I never had to give my IL's any benefit of doubt as I never had any differences with them. My IL are not just nice, they are wonderful. I have never demeaned them in any way and neither have they demeaned me. I am not sure where you got any of what you did.

I will tell you one thing though- if my IL's had to discuss something with another family member in private, they will not be so lacking in manners to ask me to go to another room. They will find another appropriate time.

How you react in any given situation is up to you. I never asked you to change any of your behavior.

 

You asked me so many question. Let me ask you one- So if the daughter's well-being is reliant of keeping the SIL happy, by the same logic the son's well-being is reliant on keeping the DIL happy, correct???

 

Yes...but you are replying from your perspective (using "I"). The situation may be hypothetical for you but you were putting yourself in OP's shoes. You mentioned how you would react if your ILs did that to you. I understand basic English. Give me some credit laugh1smiley:-D. If you have no other problems then why react so aggressively to every little thing? As long as she is treated well, why take it so personally?

Still not answered my last question, I see. Smart way of avoiding answer

 

I give you a lot of credit. You seem to know how to handle your IL's very well (with respect and diplomacy and what not) then why open thread on the internet asking strangers about dealing with your MIL? Why not put your theories into practice and deal with them? That is what I meant. Got it ??? . As for other posters, I don't know what is happening in their house so I will not speculate.

 

Rihana- The fact that you realize since it is for a few days you "do it quietly because we will return back to the U.S.A". You also keep quite because like you said the women in your family will have to "live with the consequences" of your husband and your opposition and therein lies the answer to your question.


I am not sure what you are opposing with me. You seem to believe such behavior is wrong too, if I understood you correctly. Are you just playing the devil's advocate???

So essentially you are asking why is it so bad for SIL to be treated special at the cost of the DIL? I don't know Rihana, I really don't know how to explain anymore than I already have. I will just be repeating myself.

Maybe no one treated me any differently because I was a girl I don't know what it is like to just quietly "obey" such practices. I don't expect or believe people should be treated differently based on any factors: gender or race or caste or religion. So according to me the SIL or DIL are the same - both were outsiders but now family through marriage. So why is one treated differently than other except for gender?

QUOTE=Rihana;3398497]You are bringing in all the wrongs that can be heaped upon the Indian woman, and presenting the special treatment of SIL as one more of those. The men having to rise gets chivalry and sweet titles, and intent is looked into. Why is extra respect to the SIL being looked upon as humiliation of the DIL? While it is not the best possible situation, she has the option of not joining the group rather than remain standing.

My husband and I follow rules somewhat similar to the one OP's FIL laid down, and we do it quietly because we will return back to the U.S.A. but the women of our families and our families have to live on with the consequences of my husband and I trying to oppose or stop such practices. Not that we always keep quiet, but, we pick our battles.[/QUOTE]

 

What makes you think I don't deal with my issues? You don't know anything about my issues either. So stop trying to speculate. Got it ???

And it does help me. So let me share my views please.

You are so happy with ILs. Good for you. Why are you visiting these threads then? Leave us nitpickers alone. Just because you have nothing to say now, why be rude to me? Obviously, you can't admit your mistakes.

How did your post help OP? Just bragging about how you would insult your ILs to their face!!!