Stepping Stones

Dear Adharv,

Marriage is a tricky and scary concept and it is nothing short of a gamble.

Dating is a different game altogether; here both the guy and the girl put on a mask to impress one another. A lot of dating I have seen are about getting the best 'catch' materialistically. They match qualifications, earning potential, status and looks without caring for the compatibility, shared values and common goals. One reason is that as a society we never discuss these issues with youngsters, so the youngsters cannot be blamed totally.

A woman known to me dated a guy since she was in high school and he was almost a decade older. After her professional qualification she got married to him and then realised they did not have any common interests and after 12 years of marriage and a kid they separated! When I asked her, whether they had never discussed their likes, dislikes and future plans etc during their dating period? She said, it was just lust and frivolous things like the likes and dislikes about food, movies were discussed! What a colossal waste of time and energy! He had his eyes only on her earning potential. He expected her to surrender her everything to him and he treated as his own extension and he was not ready to accept her as an individual who was capable of thinking!

Do you remember the post where you had asked me to comment? There also, the girl knew all the pitfalls yet she was somewhere blind, desperate and believed things would change after marriage and so on. If luck favours, things can definitely change, what if the luck doesn't favour?

This story deals with a broken marriage and broken dreams. I know my protagonist, Chitra, very closely. I have fictionalised to hide her identity. Here I have tried to dwell a bit on the pitfalls in relationships; I was expecting some discussion here but looks like nobody wants to discuss the various POVs either.

Thanks, dear, for raising some pertinent questions.

 

Dear Adharv,

Till 23-25, one is busy pursuing professional qualifications, then the job and in between some romance! But a school or college education doesn't equip us about interpersonal relationships. Being with an office colleague, friend or BF/GF is one thing and being committed and married with social sanction is another. Once married, suddenly they feel they have ownership rights over the other, suddenly mother's cooking becomes their staple, religion, which hitherto never existed in their broad horizon becomes their deepest identity and ....then begins the eternal war for superiority and domination. In-laws add tadka to this warfare, instead of soothing and helping the warring couple!

Book knowledge is useless here. We have to have a compulsory pre-nuptial/dating counseling. Even parents must get regular refresher certification to understand their roles. Schools must teach children to respect each other, to respect personal spaces and to gracefully accept a 'NO'. The list is endless.

The western society easily accepts live-in trials, divorces and they are less rigid too. Though these lifestyle choices have made inroads into our society, it is generally restricted to urban upper class till now. The advantage of a live-in, in general, is to be able to walk out easily without any legal formalities. But it still drains one mentally and emotionally.

I am glad that some youngsters these days are so proactive and are capable of taking very studied decisions; they are leading their lives meaningfully.

It is okay to express your feelings. A little deeper insight into human psyche helps us to be more empathetic and sympathetic and that is supposed to come with experience. But are all older and experienced people sympathetic and empathetic?

 

That is so nice, shravs, I just mentioned it in my reply to Adharv. I totally agree with your suggestion.

 

Every coin has two sides!

 

Part 3 of 3


Chitra sat oblivious to her surroundings. She felt as if the world around her mocked at her failure at everything she ever attempted, marriage to motherhood. While the gathering was celebrating ‘The birth of a Mother’, she bemoaned the death of her child and her marriage. When she could not take it anymore she flung the glass in her hand at the floor and walked out of the party unsteadily shivering with rage.


Rizwan had anticipated fireworks all the evening. He followed her quickly though he was not fully prepared for her outburst. In the ante-room, Chitra screamed with scant regard for her surroundings, her patience was at its lowest ebb. “Rizwan, tell me what the hell is brewing between Nitin and that bitch?”


Knowing Chitra’s poor health, Rizwan forced her to sit down even as he stammered. “Look, Chitra, there is nothing going on between them. Just a little bit of camaraderie and flirting, this is all common in the...”


“Really? Rizwan, why are you trying to fool me? Did your friend ask you to do so?” She struggled to get up from her seat but failed. “For how long have they been having an affair? When you knew all about it, how could you not have warned me about it? I had always trusted and treated you as a brother and did you not have any responsibility towards me?”


Rizwan struggled for words. He had witnessed the growing intimacy between Sonalika and Nitin. He had even warned Nitin about the damage he was causing to his marriage, “Chitra has lost her child and she is still recovering. Her mental state would be fragile. She loves you and has sacrificed a lot for you, don’t let her down.” He had hoped Nitin would rectify himself.


But Nitin had laughed and replied, “Chitra is my past. I need a society woman like Sonalika now. She can take me to the international circuit and through her I get to expand my clientele and the social circle which are essential for my success. In fact, it is good that Chitra witnesses my romance with Sonalika and retreats quietly. I don’t need Chitra anymore in my life.”


Trying to calm Chitra, Rizwan said, “There is no sense talking all these in front of this crowd. Let us go home and talk to Nitin later. He might have an explanation.”


“Rizwan, Nitin has been selfish throughout and it was all covered up in the name of lofty ideals, love, ambition, hard work and cooperation. I was so naive; I trusted him and did everything he asked including giving birth to our child. He distanced himself since Srujan’s birth. I had assumed that he was busy with the final touch-ups and readying his artworks for the exhibition. Little did I realize that he was already working on a new project-Project Sonalika! Any wonder when my baby passed away I had to sit alone at home and shed tears. He was not even around and it hardly mattered to him!” Chitra burst out crying.


Rizwan knew that every word uttered by her was true. He did not dare to declare that lately, Nitin had distanced him too.


Chitra sat like a statue for a while. Myriad expressions were flashing across her face. Tears seemed to dry up slowly. A little while later, Chitra turned to Rizwan and said with determination, “Rizwan, I don’t see any future with Nitin and there is no sense in seeking explanations from him. He is a liar and a manipulator. Like a fool, I wasted my life with him trying to build a utopian world. Now it is time to kick him and move on. Instead of being symbiotic, our relationship had turned parasitic. It is better for me to accept the defeat and walk out of such a sham marriage. Don’t you agree?”


Chitra did not wait for an answer. She was still in a world of her own. The basis of a marriage is trust. Its synonyms according to the dictionary are faith, belief, hope, conviction, confidence, expectation, dependence, reliance and so on. Her marriage had violated all these….. !


As the minutes ticked, looking at her stillness Rizwan was scared. Putting his hands protectively around her he asked, “What have you been thinking, Chitra? Let me take you home.”


“Home? Where is it, Rizwan?...I have nowhere to go. I took it upon myself to save our marriage from the beginning, I did not want to fail in my decision to marry Nitin and prove my parents right. Perhaps they had seen this selfish streak in him! In my blind love, I considered my parents as mean and distanced them. I should have put down my foot right in the beginning when Nitin wanted me to take up the job, then perhaps he would understand and treat me as an individual of some worth. Had we both struggled together, probably, he would have respected me!” After a brief pause she continued, ”Rizwan, do you think it was entirely my fault? Is there really no meaning in altruism and love? Did I give in due to my love or only because of my own insecurity? Yeah! In my desperation to save my marriage, perhaps I forgot to love him or my own self, all I did was to do things in which I had neither belief nor love. How misplaced my life’s aims and ambitions have been? I allowed him to use me and he used me, now he is using her and when she stops serving his purpose, he will move on to the other greener pastures! Wow! …Rizwan, it would be wrong on my part to blame him for everything, I am to be blamed…I am the reason behind my pathetic state today.”


“No, Chitra, you are being cynical. Please understand that marriage is a man-made relationship. Both partners in it have equal responsibility and both need to work to make it a success. Perhaps less selfishness from Nitin and a little more pragmatism from your side would have made your marriage healthy. I always knew Nitin to be ambitious, but even I failed to see his manipulative ruthlessness. I am sorry, I should have warned you in time about Nitin’s growing closeness to Sonalika…but I never expected this level of brazenness from him.”


Chitra smiled wryly, “With Nitin, I had dreamt of creating a perfect canvas, little did I realize that I invested unwisely and chose the wrong materials! I don’t want to waste my life anymore thinking of him as I don’t have any future with him. We cannot mend the gaping cracks that have already developed. If I don’t wake up even now, I won’t be able to forgive or respect myself ever. Have you heard the saying, your greatest tormentor is your greatest teacher? Isn’t maturity all about learning from one's mistake and moving on? Let me take my lessons from this experience and grow wiser.”


She got up from the chair slowly and continued, “I need some time to recover and I will recover. Failure is the stepping stone to success. Life is calling me. I want to go and realize all my dreams. I will be successful on my own merit. My Srujan is still alive in me!”





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*The images have been taken from the internet for representational purposes only, no copyright infringement is intended.