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Staying Married For The Kids: Your Story Please

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sweety2019, Oct 27, 2022.

  1. Sweety2019

    Sweety2019 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi everyone,
    Hope everyone is doing well.
    I need some insight on, how many people stayed married only for your kids.
    Why did the situation happen to you? How did you manage and how did it go/going. Are the kids grown up to realize it.. How has it affected them. Pros cons. Have you accepted your fate on it? Do you feel jealous/bad/sad seeing happy families around you? How do you deal with that.?
    I have many more questions on it. But please dont restrict yourself to these.. Please just narrate your story your way.

    Even if its not your story and someone you know, please share it.
     
    Lonelygirl17 likes this.
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  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Kids are one of the reasons, in fact the primary reason for me to chose marriage, and staying married to my husband no matter how much difficult this journey has been. But to be honest, I am not married only for the sake of my kids.
    I love being married to the person, and I have accepted him as who he is - of course with his flaws.
    Secondly, I love to stay married rather than staying single. I have no courage to start another relationship and invest everything from the scratch. Besides that, I am still in love with my husband, and overtly possessive of him. So, leaving him is out of question.
    After a thorough analysis, I have decided to stay married, and bridge the gap in our marriage to make it perfect at least from the outside. This helps my kids to grow up in a perfect family environment.

    My marriage became problematic since the first month due to in laws interferences. Ours was an inter-faith love marriage, and that was enough for my PILs to take my H on a guilt trip for life. He decided to do whatever they demand to be at peace for the one mistake he did against them (eg: marrying me).
    Fate played a huge role to drift us apart that time, as I had stayed miles away from him for work. In laws used our distance relationship to play politics, and to turn their son against me.
    My H started regretting his decision to marry me, and almost at the edge of divorcing me.
    Again fate played a major role in deciding how we should go about in this life.
    Yes, I accidentally got pregnant, and hell broke lose in the house after that.

    We did temporarily separate for a while, and that's when I chose myself over everything else to win this life. My FOO stayed as my support system, and that helped me to achieve big in my career front.
    After a while, my H decided to come back, and fight against his FOO to live peacefully. But sadly, he had to lose them because managing both didn't work well in his life. He chose us over them, but in this process lost everything he had. He lost his career, his savings, his well-wishers, his friends, his confidence, his health and what not. It was a decade long battle.

    Finally, we are together and miles away from the nasty in laws. My H is slowly recovering from the shock, and has started life from the scratch.
    It is indeed difficult to run the family single-handedly without a man's support. But having him around itself boosts my self confidence, and make me face what ever life throws at us.

    Kids are growing up in the bubble and they probably do not know the hardship I faced/facing in this life. They might probably not value my sacrifices to bring light to this family. But I am happy that I am able to raise kids in a normal-like family atmosphere, even though it was very much a dysfunctional family from the beginning.

    I have accepted my fate, and in fact happy and proud about being myself. The struggles taught me how strong I am, and how much I can handle in life. It taught my tolerance level, and my love for my husband.
    The years passed very quickly, and the hardest times of my life is just a history now. Looking back, I pat myself thinking how far I have come, and how successfully I have handled everything in life.
    This has shown me the shades of different people in my life, and to some I am forever thankful.

    I am not jealous about others who have a very stable and peaceful marriage life. I have come to the realization that God/creator isn't unfair while deciding our fate. The life God gives us is a package full of goods and bads.
    Each life has to experience some dark/rainy days in life, just like they enjoy sun shine. This is natural.

    Some has a perfect marriage, yet are childless and face their battles around childlessness. Some have financial trouble despite of having a good marriage and wonderful kids. For some, wealthy life doesn't mean healthy life.
    Issues around health issues, death, loss of loved ones etc..etc... despite of having an otherwise perfect life is what written in others' destiny. Some have struggle with their kids. Some have problematic parents. Some are disabled and the list is too big. The world is a combination of all.
    In this world, people like me are blessed in every front except for a smooth marriage.

    I think, this is the only part I can handle with lesser complaint, compared to the issues others face.

    God knows our tolerance level, and never gives problems beyond what we can tolerate. I am an ardent believer of this, and I have accepted this life to the fullest. Therefore, I never feel jealous about others who are blessed in something, and we never know what they have missed in life.

    On a serious note: Do not live a marriage for kids only. It will never make your children happy. Analyze everything before and see how much you can handle. The choice is always yours. Good luck
     
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  3. umaakumar

    umaakumar Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Sweety,
    I will tell you about someone I know who stayed in a marriage just for the sake of children. I really feel sad when I think of them.
    This husband and wife were both working. The husband was abusive and wife tolerated everything for the sake of children. (What will society say if i leave him, how will I get my daughter married etc. Etc).
    As the children grew up, this couple never spoke to each other. But they educated their children. Got them married and both of their kids are abroad. From the outside everything seems fine.
    Once children left, the wife had a separate room and the husband another room. They tried not to cross paths. They cooked separately. Both drank heavily.
    One day the husband realised he had not seen his wife for a couple of days. Went to her room and found her dead.
    It's a long story, he had to call the police and lots of investigation.
    But what was the use of this life. If they had separated, both of them would have been happier. I am sure the Children would have understood.

    Regards
    Uma
     
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  4. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

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    Dear OP In the hamlets of India, numerous abusive hubby-unemployable-drunkards driven away from home by their wives (& kids) and their goal seems to be bringing up their kid(s) born through such rapscallions. Kids of such single mothers employed largely as domestic help and her kids are educated, matured later to be celebrities in Hollywood Bollywood koliwood and even CEOs. A single mother by making and selling only idli, seen her son not only emerged a brilliant MBA from prestigious Indian Institute but recipient of PADMASRI.
    THE SITUATION Of single mother in India is in total contrast to that of other Nations.
     
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  5. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    If there is abuse, adultry, or addiction( AAA), never stay in that marriage. It wont be good for anyone. Two happy homes are better than one unhappy home in that case.

    If not, decision of staying or leaving should done by being practical, not emotional. It also depends on many factors and location, the legal rules , custody issues , availability of support, finances etc..
    I have mentioned a few in the following post. A broken home is not good for kids, but it all depends on how its broken and will parents are ready to prioritize kids and give them a good life. A single parent can also do that, but it depends on the situation and environment.

    Am I Doing Something Wrong ?

    I personally know a case where the wife stayed in a sexless loveless unhappy marriage for 25 y. She stayed in the basement away from husband, living parallel lives but showing a good family picture outside. The kids were born using ivf techniques. She suffered in that marriage, but kids started questioning her for staying in this marriage when they were in highschool as they noticed the unhappy environment. They encouraged her to divorce. Finally, she divorced her husband after 25 y, h moved to another city. After 5 y, she married an american. Kids are doing well. May be because she tried her max for damage control and h was a good father. Now she and her new h and kids are living in the same house happily. She is of the opinion that her marriage didn't work, but divorce worked as she has good working relationship with her ex now. I guess remarriage and acceptance by almost adult children was easy, may due to usa background. In India, it is still not easy . But, single parenting is still possible, but comes with its own challenges.

    Its up to the person to decide whats best for kids and their own life. Staying or leaving marriage ( unhappy but no AAA) is equally difficult. The problems to face will be different. But if the person dont know how to be happy inside and live their life to fullest, or face challenges both decision in those case wont bring much happiness if one decide to stay alone. Life brings both ups and downs. So, one should consider both pluses and minuses and take the decision with a calm mind and take a practical decisoin. Also, think about, both short term and long term impacts or benifits, do home work and have good idea about the next step as kids are involved.
    No one has a perfect life. Each person has their own share of ups and downs. Marriage is just a part of life. If you are married, staying in the marriage or leaving should be decided for you, not for kids. If that conflict is there you should be your top priority. You cant make kids happy if you are not happy.
     
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2022
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  6. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Sweety,
    Your life is just beginning. You have a very little tot. You are fairly young. An entire lifetime is too long to go by someone else’s story. Why do you want to start this compromise at this juncture?

    Is there an irreconcilable difference in your marriage or is this the post baby Toss up? Even the happiest of relationships have had upheavals when the first baby comes into the picture. Especially when you are really young.

    Before you make up your mind about this life changing compromise think about what you are seeing around you. People have spent decades in a situation with no change and come up with various ways to cope. You are still in the start of a journey. Why do you think there is no hope here?
     
    MalStrom likes this.
  7. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Op
    None in this world is perfect..everone and every situation has pros and cons..but it is an entirely personal decision to stay or leave depending on the pros and cons of a relationship/ situation..e.g i come to you as a friend and tell all the problems i m facing with my spouse ..but at that point of time you only know what i tell you but you dont know all the happier times , the blessings i have in my relationship..then you will tell only to leave ..but the entire situation is only known to me..so i m the best person to take a decision..
    Secondly staying only for the sake of kids....in an abusive relationship when kids are also facing abuse is not a good idea..You stay in marriage only for the kids when kids have good relation with their father and you are also comfortable accept for minor flaws..
    Sometimes the problem is only bcoz of inlaws wherein your maximum fights are bcoz of inlaws ..there also you stay as inlaws are not going to b there for ever..
    So its entirely personal decision..
     
  8. Ruby2019

    Ruby2019 Gold IL'ite

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    I will share the story of my friend. She’s 44 and her son is now 15. She had an arranged marriage which she did not want at all but her parents forced her. As the eldest daughter they forced her to listen to her, slapped her when she refused and all the normal drama. Married her off to a rich guy. She cried even in her wedding stage. She was always driven in her career, classical dance and all.

    married, had sex during first night and got pregnant. Husband was young and kept having affairs outside. She managed pregnant and all alone, always fighting with him. He was not committed to marriage. Wanted to be with friends, going out and enjoying life.

    when he son was 2, she got an offer to work overseas. She brought her son and went alone with only him. Worked there, her husband would occasionally visit and she would tell him that he can’t come cause of work. She kept moving to different countries throughout her life until now. 3 years ago she moved to another location and finally her husband moved there. Slept in separate rooms, cordial relationship. So they decided when he moved in that they will divorce when the son turns 16. All this while son had no idea. Wanted to give him ‘complete family’. So now they have told the son that they will divorce. Husband was unwilling and wanted to work things out but she is very firm. She’s already seeing someone else now, so is he.

    seriously I don’t even know what’s the meaning of this life. No love yet living together for show.
     
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  9. swarnamary

    swarnamary Silver IL'ite

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    Those are gone day when parents force girls to marry off eventhou they are ready or not, eventhou they like it or not.. but still out of respect to parents and for family sakes girls get married off..the life after marriage is like a suprise where once get okay,good,better,best life with spouse, cant be comparing with other family....like their is a saying every house has its own ramayan... inti inti ramayanam.

    i know story of relative who was married off very young when she was not ready.. they had two boys.. but husband never care to take care of the family and with tension and torture they end up divorce but what happens now is the boys blame her for divorcing him.. lady is at lost as she dont have any idea of remarrying .....

    if you want to do something with your life like separating do it before its too late when the kids are small so they dont have to under go all the emotional stress
     
  10. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    you are right and wrong. everyone reasons are different. sometimes, it does help children to have both parents together if there is no abuse, till some age. son is now 16 , can understand human relationships well and can also handle social drama.
     

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