Marriage Life "Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them." "The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? " "I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me." "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Man walks into a bar, with his thumb in his ear, talking into his little finger. "What are you doing?" , the bartender asks. "I'm on the phone ," the guy explains, "implants.. it's the latest thing. There's a microphone in my finger, a speaker in my thumb, and a keypad on the palm of my hand. It's fantastic." The bartender is astonished, and the guy goes to sit down & drink his beer. Ten minutes later, he rushes out of the bar into the Men's room. The bartender hears groans and screams coming from behind the door, so he goes to investigate. He walks into the bathroom to see the guy, finger to mouth and thumb in ear, on the floor with his trousers round his ankles, groaning in agony. "What is it, can I help?" the bartender asks, worried. "No..," the guy grunts back, "it's okay... I'm just waiting for a fax to come through..."
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here." The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg. In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
Towards More Picturesque Speech TEARS: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine waterpower. WORRY: Interest paid on trouble before it falls due. THE most underdeveloped territory in the world lies under your hat. PROCRASTINATION is a fault that most people put off trying to correct. There is some consolation in the fact that even if your dreams haven’t come true, nightmares She spoke as if she were fastening each word down with a thumbtack. SMILES My husband was absorbed in a book when our young son ventured to ask him about a homework problem. “Dad he asked, “Where are the Alps?” “Ask your mother,” came the reply, she puts everything away.” A four year old walked into the house carrying a worm.”What you are doing with that worm, demanded his mother. “We were playing outside”’ replied the boy, and I thought I’d show him my room.” After eighteen years of marriage---and of cooking----I recently prepared the worst dinner of my life. The vegetables were overcooked; the meat was burnt; and the salad wilted. My husband was silent all through the meal. Then as I started to do the dishes he took me in his arms and gave me a lingering kiss. “What was that for?” I asked. “Well, dear,” he said, “Tonight you cooked like a bride, so I thought I’d tread you like one.”
FUNNY QUOTES Wrestling is ballet with violence. Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series. Arrogance on the part of the meritorious is even more offensive to us than the arrogance of those without merit: for merit itself is offensive. First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity. Blessed are the young, for they will inherit the national debt. My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. • The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year. The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything, except what is worth knowing. Beauty is an outward gift which is seldom despised, except by those to whom it has been refused. The trouble with children is that they're not returnable. Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else.
The census taker asked: “In what state were you when you were born?” “Well” hesitated the blushing spinster,”er,er nude.” “Why are you so much interested in art studies in the nude?” “Oh I guess it is because I was born that way”. The two sexes are male and female. The males are divided into temperate and intemperate, the females into frigid and torrid zones. Young man to a friend: “Iam looking for a beautiful, successful businesswoman whose hobby is housework.” “Dammit daughter,” exploded the father, “you can’t marry that young man. He doesn’t make more than $100 a month. “Oh but daddy”, pleaded the girl, “a month flies by so fast when you are in love. With each other.” Girl “But, darling be reasonable! After all, we can’t live on love.” Boy “Don’t see why not. Your family loves you.” Girl “Just thinks, darling the preacher only mumbles a few words and we are married.” Guy “Its true and just think, a few words mumbled in my sleep and we are divorced...”
hei malliga, nice ones. i and my husband laughed over a few. keep going. i'll try to post few next time.
SOME COURT ROOM JESTS : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. : What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.
