Sister-in-law giving problems

Just one question, is it your house or MIL (left by your FIL)?

I guess every daughter visit parents house during vacation, I don't see anything bad in it. You can also go to your parents house by that time if convinient to you and let SIL stay with her mother, or that is not possible then you may call your relatives to stay with you. If MIL tries to control your visit to your parents house or their to yours then firmly talk to your dh and MIL that if SIL can come here then my relatives also has right to visit and even I hv right to visit them.

From your post it seems that you dont like her visit bcoz you hv to bear expenses and haven't mentioned if she is a pain in other way. You mentioned that you have to bear all the expenses of them for one month, are those expenses too big? I mean they are taking breakfast, lunch and dinner at your place which you cant afford, is that so? And for that reason you are going to the extent of being too rude to her by making her feel that 'SHE IS NOT WELCOME' in her own mother's house. I really doubt who is Shameless? No offense but seems you are one of those women who have a mentality that I am earning more than hubby and contributing more money so I have purchased my husband!

Think about innocent kids, they have full right to spend summer vacation with their uncle and grandparents. However her husband also stay with them for such a long time is something I find wierd. But SIL and kids can stay with maternal grandparents and uncle, whts wrong in it. You can do the same, who is stopping you, if they (DH, MIL and SIL) are stopping then talk to them. And if for some reason you are not welcome at your parents house, then that doesn't mean you have to intentionally make your SIL feel unwelcome in her own brother's house, esp. during vacation. That is extremely rude and mean of you. Come on she is your husband's sister, your family. If she is causing problems during her stay, then tell your dh that you dont mind her staying here but they has to show decency discipline and respect. Of-course if the visits are too frequent throughout the year and they are creating problems for you then you can talk to your DH about it! Ask your dh to talk to MIL about it and tell her to explain her daughter. But if you are fighting with the dh and being rude to your SIL with this only issue of staying then that is really mean and selfish of you.

You may think she is shameless, she might be getting hurt by your behavior but maybe she is ignoring for the reason that she might be thinking that my kids deserve to spend time with their grandmother and uncle and for that reason swallowing your hurtful behavior.

 

daughter spending in maternal house is different from spending in brothers house. If son is taking care of mother in his house and his wife is maintaining the house financially how can it become grandparents house?

Kids do not spend with uncles for whole month when uncle has his own family, if she wants she can invite mother to her place. It is not like they have a huge house, why should her son and MIL give up bedroom for whole month. Daughter is just freeloading in brothers house.

I would do same as grace lady, why should I go to my parents house just to accommodate SIL. If grandparents want to invite their daughters and grandchildren they can do it when living by themselves. In this economy in middle class families it is difficult to feed two families. Most DHs will not invite their SIL and BIL families for weeks together every year that does not mean they bought their wife, it is matter of privacy and her family should not spend summer vacation sleeping outside.

 

@Billybob

I think what I mentioned is misunderstood by billybob, I dont say OP has to go to her parents house to accommodate SIL in hers.

What I mean is that in some families daughters are always welcome but DILs visits are being controlled by inlaws. So I thought OP might also be frustrated for that reason, so if that is the case then she has right to rebel against SIL's stay and stand up for her rights.

And if SIL is coming and causing troubles like creating fights & throwing tantrums, then she (OP) can object against her stay.

But only if she is staying - say free lodging for one month (I can understand its a long time - esp. incl. her husband) not causing trouble other than that, then OP should not strain her relation with DH & inlaws just for money & expense matters. Because relation is more worth than money. The reason here OP's DH dont support her even after so much nagging since 5 years is that he knows his sister will be the only one left in his extended family after his mother and he understand the value of relationship.

From my past experience I have learned that there is no use of nagging husband against his family. He will never listen that way. DH's heart and respect cannot be won by being rude to his family. DIL has to be diplomatic sometime. IMO instead of being rude to her SIL, OP can use tricks like being nice to her SIL, developing good relation with her and then smartly tell her, Hey, why not this year alter the summer vacation plans lil bil, my kid too would like to spend vacation at his aunt's place, so come here for 15 days and next 15 days we will come, how it would be, isn't it good idea that way we will all enjoy whole vacation together.

As far as her son has to give up his bed matter is concerned, then OP should politely tell her SIL that he will not obey in matter of sleeping on floor and will cry, so can you pls adjust by sleeping in the hall with your hubby and mother and let the three kids sleep in the room.

 

If it is mutual I would not have any problem, my daughter spends part of summer vacation with her cousin (one week at the most) my DH family, we invite her cousin as well but it is mutual at everyones convenience. OP seems to be burdened every year and is one-sided. There is saying in south in USA unlike in India if mamma is not happy no one is happy in the house, in Indian culture we are always worried about DH happiness, he gets keep his bedroom while his mother, young son and wife are sleeping outside. Somehow some men do not sacrifice, he needs to pitch in and volunteer, if we had relatives my spouse is the one on couch in the living room not us.

 

rms, you mentioned in the 2nd post what was going on in my mind.

Graceylady,

Welcome Gracey Lady to IL. We will gladly help you out and provide you suggestions based on the problem you are facing with reference to our own experiences in our lives.

every woman wants to getaway from her daily chores once in a while. There is nothing wrong for a daughter to come and stay with her parents once a year. If I were in your place, I would welcome my sil with open arms and let her stay for a month or so as long as she is not intruding in my personal life, or poisoning my dh's mind against me.
Yes, there is a concern for her H also to stay in your family for long time.
But there is nothing much that you can do other than asking your H to talk to his BIL. If he is going to office from your house, then you can politely ask your SIL to wake up early and take care of her H's needs (preparing breakfast,packing lunch).

Be creative here graceylady. It's a wonderful time for kids to have lots of fun which they will remember even when they grow up. You can have all kids sleep in one room and let sil, her H and mil sleep in hall.

You have to have a serious discussion with your H .He has to pitch in if he wants you to be a good hostess.

It's really rude on your part to treat her as unwanted. Remember, in your lifetime, a situation might come where you will need these same unwanted people for your benefit.
For god's sakes she is your dh's sister. I don't know if your dh has other siblings. Just like your siblings are important to you and you care and feel for them, it's the same way for your H.
I always believe that my parents, my siblings, my H's parents and his siblings are my immediate and close family relations.
If your H cut off relationship with his sis, where will she go? This is her maternal home.
What ever problems you have with your sil, please do not show towards her children. They have nothing to do with your issues. Your son too needs a company of cousins to play with and to bond with.
Remember kids are very sensitive and they can sense any kind of ill treatment or unpleasant behavior towards them. It will leave a strong mark in their mind and when they become adults, they still remember and look at you as a person who disliked them and will treat you accordingly.

 

OP:
Since she is 2 kilometers away, I think you are totally justified to be angry. It's crazy. I suggest either at the end of April pack your MIL up and send her over there or ALL of you go over and stay as it's their turn now.

 

That is a good idea. It is easy to say I would invite my SIl, to live in 2 bedroom apartment eight people, both men having their own bedroom and privacy, I would be really mad. Eight people packed in 800-1000 square feet is not healthy it is overcrowding.

 

I guess its not OP's DH house, it must be a house left by her FIL. If that is the case then SIL has full right to come over for a vacation regardless of who is maintaining the house. And that might be the reason she is ignoring her rude behavior, as she might be thinking that I am coming to my own mother's house so I dont care if my bro's wife doesn't like it. If OP cant afford the stay she should talk to her H abt it.

I agree with rms and gujjulady, if SIL is not a pain in any other way then you should not strain relation with your H just for a stay issue. If she troubles you in other ways then ask your H to tell his mother to explain his sister.

Hey gracelady, no matter whtever issue you hv with your SIL, dont throw any frustration on her kids and dont be rude and cold on those lil ones. They are kids just 6 and 3 afterall. Noting is more mean in the world than hurting kid's feelings. Remember, what we saw is what we reap.

 

In my opinion, to think that "this is my father's (FIL) house and so i am entitled to come here and relax for an entire month," is a very selfish way of thinking. Even if the house belongs to OP's FIL/MIL, she is the one having to take care of them for an entire month.
And she has not mentioned whether SIL helps with the chores. If she does, I wouldnt be as pissed. If she does not, and assumes that she and her DH can just laze around and get everything done by OP, I do not think it is fair at all.

It does not matter as to who the house belongs. Who is the one paying for all, who is breaking their back with the work? My mom's sister is staying with her H in the family home; the H's parents are no more, but his 7 siblings keep coming with their families in turns just because it is the family home. And they expect my aunt to take care of them during their stay for each and everything-coffee, bfast, lunch, dinner, doing the dishes, washing clothes etc. They are just 2 people, but end up having to pay a lot more for groceries/elec bill cos of AC etc. each time cos of guests. I think this is taking undue advantage.

All said and done, seems really weird that SIL's DH would park there for an entire month.:confused2:

If I were in your place OP, I would try and talk my DH into sending your kid and MIL to their place to spend the summer vacation so that the kids can be together. You can take turns each year. That in my opinion would be a win-win.