Sick of husband spending too much time on hobbies :(

Dear Desigirl,

It's better to have a smooth conversation with your hubby. Make him understand your needs and feelings. Say him that has you stay alone at week ends in home request him to spend at least half day or either Saturday or Sunday at home.

For everything patience plays a main role..... request him to think about it......!

 

Hi desigirl25,




Does he wants to join some American cricket team and win a World Cup, too ?

You need to lay down some guildlines for him. Tell him that he is free to play sports, but on alternate weekends.
May be he can play on 1st and 3rd weekend, but then, he needs to spend time with you and his family on 2nd and 4th weekend, else he will have to bear the consequences of marriage falling apart.

If this doesn't work out, please start involving yourself in things that you like. Join a club or something just to make him realize how important it is to be with the family.

I hope, things will smooth down with time. Have a heart to heart communication with him and sort out the matter.

 

Dear desigirl25 you have said that earlier in your marriage you were very controlling and this might be your dh way of rebelling. Though I agree that everyone needs space but all said and done marriage to work smoothly needs both the partners happy and willing to spend time with each other. His playing cricket seems to be ok so long as you both do some things together.
Make yourself interesting, you join some hobby classes, go out and enjoy yourself. If you are forever cooped up in the house with your mom, this behavior is never going to change. Show him that you can enjoy yourself without him and he will be tempted to spend time with you.
I don't think you are making a big deal out of nothing. It is natural for a wife to have the same feelings as you. There are a lot of women who go through the same thing but things are changing but as you have said you both are 26 ......
There has to be his activities, her activities and together activities.
Give him time he might be still rebelling against you controlling behavior. Show him that you have changed.
Your post reminds me of an uncle who did the same things. My aunt and uncle have been married for 40 years now and nothing changed other than the hobbies. My aunt made every possible attempt to change him, even had a daughter to keep him engaged at home. The result, he didn't change and along with his hobbies my aunt brought up the baby and other people found match and got her married, my uncle just "enjoyed himself " at the wedding. Some people just never change.

 

I vaguely recall your earlier post about this same problem I think. There is nothing wrong with the way you feel but unfortunately most men I have met are like this. It appears to be very common with men in general and even more so with Indian men. I also think family upbringing has a little to do with this. I have also seen this trend more among south indian men versus north Indian men. My general observation has been that north indian men have a greater sense of responsibilities towards home and women folk when compared to south indian men. South indian men treat their home as a house or a lodge to come home to sleep. Everything else for them is cricket and if bad company then even cigarettes and booze. I am not over-generalizing here and do not intend to make any waves but this is just my observation among the men I have met across both cultures.

My advice to you is even if you dump this marriage, chances that your 2nd, 3rd, and 4th marriage will also be like this is very high. Many women think the solution to this is to have a kid so the guy will feel responsible and stay at home. I would not bank on this. It would be worse to have a kid AND an irresponsible husband who refuses to grow up.

Over the years (many that is), I have learnt that the way for me to cope with this and my self-found solution is to create my own life for myself and simply ignore the man - not worth fretting fuming worrying and feeling bad about these men who are not going to get it and have no intention to change either. So I turn this shortage or vacuum in my life to do something I like and not let another person's indifference waste my precious youth. So use this time for yourself and live your life. Since you seem to have company of your parents, plan vacations with them, travel extensively, go around the country, visit scenic places, go on cruises, hiking, wherever. bring back lots of pictures, upload to picasa and share with your friends. I do not mean this as a revenge or a tit-for-tat, but i think with such men it becomes important to show them that you are perfectly capable of having a fun-filled independent life and are not really missing his company. If anything, this may jolt him to reality. The more we are dependent on them the more they take for granted and the more cheaply we are treated. "The chase is always interesting" for a man especially so keep him on his toes. Let him feel left out of your life, for a change, as opposed to you feeling left out of his.

 

Without talking to him about his cricket just discuss a plan to go to some hill station over the weekend. Would that be possible? Tell him to keep the next weekend free so that both of you can go out...after all he also needs to rest once in whileideasmiley

 

Have been through same things as you desigirl . I agree with Aamrapali that south indian men do take us for granted and how can they not a south indian wife does a kolam in morning, busy with daily poojas. Every trip outside - highlight- visit temples. The list goes on. But what can we do cant change how we have been brought up. These men want dutiful wives and fancy the carefree ones.

 

Tell your husband, marriage is the most important team sport that he will play and like any team sport, there is not much space for selfishness in it.

 

OP, it is important to have some common interest between the couples. Just like any man, he probably will not like it if you tell him what to do and what not to do. For him to see through your eyes, maybe you can fake interest in his hobbies and see if you can use it to your advantage. Like, see how he would feel about watching a live match in a different destination from where you live. That way you will get to get out of the home together and still get to spend time together. Show him that you respect his interests but want him to make you a part of his interests.
It has taken some time for him to get rebellious (you being controlling in the begining etc). It will take some time to undo the damage.