Sibling Keep Poking And Hurting

They are controlling you very well. Sometimes running away from a problem ( ignore, dont take it to heart) is a solution. But it is not working here. So facing it head on will give you some closure.

Take a stand that you will no longer share anything with sister regarding gifts or vacations for your parents. So, dont pay for it now. If she wants she can do whatever she is comfortable, same way, you do whatever you can. They may be thinking that you are super rich and not supporting them. Let it be. You know the truth. You dont have to explain anything on that. If they dont believe you, its their problem.

So dont give any explanation. They use it to manipulate you.

If they are insulting you by calling you a lier, tell them they can think whatever they want. But if this is the way they like to treat you, you are not interested to talk further. Cut off your call . Stop talking to your sister for a while.

You can limit talking once a week to your father and then your mom. If she start comparing or turn negative, then tell you dont want to discuss it and its unacceptable, stop talking. Keep calling your parents and stop interaction with sister for a while. The moment they start the drama, switch off your phone or block them.

You may need to focus on actions than explanations for this situation.

 

Dear @Vedhavalli

I would blame our parents' glorifying culture for this. We grew up hearing stories & watching movies that glorify parents as living Gods. We were taught by the society that our parents can't go wrong and as they age, they become wise & require special respect.

Come on.... Parents or not.. ultimately they are human beings. They have their own strength & weakness. Parents can be anything. There are many shades of parenting and each of us are blessed with one of a kind.

This is so true!
We must act wisely without any guilt here.

I would suggest you to cut off all the ties with your family for now.
No explanations needed. If possible block them completely from all your contacts.
The initial days would be messy. It will be a mixture of guilt, agony, frustration, and pain. But it will also give you some peace of mind, focus and happiness down the line. Just try it.

The relationship with your parents is no different from any other relationship.
Be it in friendship or love affair.... The separation would be so frustrating. It can make you feel guilt.
But once you recognize the fact that this relationship is more draining than helping your life, you must take a call.

My husband suffered similar tensions because of his crooked parents and one sibling. He has lost his peace of mind, happiness of marriage life, his job and all his savings just to please his parents. But they were never satisfied with what he has done for them.

At the cost of loosing his job & marriage life, my H had to support his dad's luxury needs, else he would be taken a guilt ride for ages.

Thank God we have found a solution at last.

We no longer in talking terms with his parents. We no longer consider them people, leave alone the relationship.

Initially, there was a lot of concern about the society where we (us and them) live, because the society will consider him as the bad son, and his wife (I) as the home breaker for this.
They will never understand the pain and financial hassle we went through.
But, they will eventually forget all this. The moment someone else will have a problem in the society, our problems will lose all the attentions.
Now that, no one asks us the reason behind our rifts.

My H was put on a guilt trip, especially being a religious man he had a tough time accepting the fact that he had left his aged parents, and maintain no contacts with them.
But he has started seeing the difference in his life with time. He understood their plays & accepted his decision wholeheartedly.

Initially his entire family distanced from him. But, slowly everyone, including his siblings have started coming back to us. This itself shows they have accepted our decision.

If there was no teaching/movies glorifying parents and vilifying the children for distancing them, I don't think my H or you will have problems in identifying our parents' nature & protect our lives.

Take care & good luck with whatever you chose to do

 

I’m sorry you have to deal with this . Only viable solution is to cut them off for your own peace . Not sure if this something you will be willing to do but you can just blame your husband saying his family needs are higher hence you don’t have access to money . You need to come up with some drama to tackle this .

 

@Vedhavalli I don't understand. Isn't this what you been doing all along? Did it help prevent the current situation?
Simply cutting them off and retreating into your shell is not a solution. The problem here is that they are taking decisions involving you without consulting you, making wrong assumptions about your finances and letting you know only after the decision is taken. You have to make them understand clearly that they cannot take decisions involving you without your input. If you retreat silently without saying anything how will this deter them?
Before you cut them off again you need to have that crucial conversation with them, in my opinion. Tell them clearly not to make false assumptions about your family finances, tell them clearly that you do love mom and dad and want to do things for them and that you will do it when you are able. That sis can go ahead and do what she wants but you want to opt out. Unless and until you do that this will continue.
One big red flag is when you finally told your mom you have no money she replied you always lie. It appears you are reticent about your family's finances and how much you and your husband make, for some reason. This is backfiring on you bigtime. Your mom thinks you are doing very well and extremely stingy about gifting her.
What is happening (I think, my speculation only) is that your mom is extremely curious about your and sister's finances. You don't or won't talk to her but sis does. So she asks her. Your sister has her own problem with your mom since her h is doing very well. She manages mom's expectations by minimizing what they make and inflating what you guys make. That explains what you noticed - sis hides or lies about what her h makes. Probably when mom asks about your finances sis says whatever comes into her head. She has no idea, but instead of saying I don't know, ask Veda, she tells some number. And your mom takes that as veda-vak. Maybe she calculates how many years your h was in US and multiplied by 100k or whatever. (A lot of people in India estimate like this - as if gross income just piles up in bank account, no taxes, no living expenses, like we live on air or something!) This is why your mom refuses to believe you and openly said you always lie. She blindly trusts whatever your sis is telling her. (another issue in itself.)

Now you tell me how does simply cutting off contact and not clearing up this gigantic misunderstanding going to fix the problem? They will simply continue to take decisions without telling you and sending you the bills. At some point you are going to have to have this conversation with them. This state of affairs will continue till you do that. After that, you cut them off or do whatever you want.

I'm extremely sorry to hear that. And I'm glad you are feeling better. I understand that a fear of breaking the relation, and toxic interactions make you want to minimize contact and be silent. That's fine for now. Take the time you need to recover.

Meanwhile think about how to solve this issue. Maybe involve your Dad? Or your h? I don't know ma, depends on your level of comfort. This $2000 is only the start you know? This is just the airfare, soon more bills - hotel stay, touring, buying gold (for grandchildren they will say but mysteriously you will never see it etc.) will arrive. Then what will you do?

Good luck and keep us posted!

 

What's stopping you? What would happen if you did? In what way are they contributing to your life?

@Vedhavalli, you can't change other people's behavior. There are only three choices: change your reaction to their behavior, endure the pain forever or cut them off. Which would you advise your child to do under similar circumstances?

Walk away from narcissists if you can. If you can't walk away, learn to say "no" for anything they want — small or big. Don't give explanations, just say no.

Meanwhile, fight fire with fire. Say, "You're not satisfied spending your husband's money, now you want to spend my husband's money, too?"

I have to deal with a narcissist tomorrow myself. I've already said no ten times. Will have to say no yet again tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it but it is what it is.

We need a thread on canned responses for dealing with such people.

.​

 

@Vedhavalli,

You don't need to go through this especially with someone you consider close (mother and sister). Self-esteem gets priority over any other consideration in life. You don't have to compromise your self-worth in order to make a relationship work. It is clearly a conflict between your emotional feelings vs emotional intelligence. You feel close to your mother and sister internally due to past life and that is preventing you from cutting off their relationship whereas it is your emotional intelligence that keeps telling you that they are aweful in their behavior with you. You have to draw a line somewhere to create a boundary for yourself and your well-being. Please note your well-being is not only important for yourself but also for your husband and immediate family.

You are not alone fighting a battle with your own mother and sibling. I have done that for many years fighting with my own emotional feelings. By hurting you, they are hurting your entire immediate family and its well-being. This understanding will help you to overcome the emotional feelings for your mother and sister. You have a duty to your husband and children and for doing that you need good mental health. Hurting yourself is hurt your immediate family than your mother and sister.

What happens in life is when you show you are hurting to those who manipulate you, they confirm that their actions are having desired results. In fact, you should express to them that none of their words and actions are having any impact which will make them get frustrated. Cut your ties that binds you to your emotional feelings.

A boundary prevents you from rescuing someone from the consequences of their destructive behavior tht they need to experience in order to grow. Developing and maintaining healthy boundaries is vital to psychological growth and spiritual liberation. Remember your personal boundaries protect your inner core of your identity and your right to choices. There are five steps to free and fair life and they are open communication, trust and support, boundaries, fairness and freedom. In emotional boundaries there are three types one where you are conveniently placed, one which is questionable and lastly one which is violative. In your case, you are in the violative territory. Even in psychological boundaries there are three categories such as dignifying, dominant and fearful. In your relationship with sibling and mother you are either facing a dominating or fearful situation.

In the circle of influence in your life, you stand first, your family next, friendship third, aquaitenances fourth, community helpers fifth and strangers last. If your extended family is hurting your emotional status, you need to move them to stranger (red category).

Ten signs of lack of boundaries include:

1) You fail to speak up when mistreated
2) You give away too much of your time
3) You agree when you actually feel like disagreeing
4) You feel guilty for dedicating time to yourself
5) You feel taken for granted by others
7) You have chronic fear about what others think of you
8) You over-share details about your life with others
9) You constantly feel like the victim
10) You attract people who try to control or dominate you.

Please check the above list and see how many are applicable to your current situation and decide accordingly. A healthy relationshp is one in which love enriches you; not imprison you. Don't put key to your happiness in someone else's pocket.

Good luck with your life. Stay cheerful and nothing is more important than your well-being.