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Sibling Keep Poking And Hurting

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Vedhavalli, Apr 9, 2022.

  1. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear friends,
    I thought I healed from my narcissistic sibling alas I'm yet with another post.
    As you all suggested from previous my threads, I kept my distance and became emotionally detached. Will call sibling or attend only when I can...also learnt not to take to heart anything she says.
    Still she keeps poking saying hurtful things. No genuine concern or affection with words, calls only to get updates on my life. I would give only brief description nothing more. She complains to mom, my mom on the other hand only believes only her not me. My mom too started hiding things from me, big small from land to gold...because of pressure from mom dad too doesn't say anything. Just formal talks...seems I'm the cycle breaker of toxic traits.
    My own mom makes me feel bad about "I'm not rich as my sibling" and compares her car to my car, house, kid's activities, salary, gc status etc. In a subtle way not openly saying with words. It hurts me. I say something back then hell breaks loose mom and sister teams up slash me.
    They play wordly smart games pull words out my mouth. That too I sat after severe bashing., they trigger me emotionally.
    For eg: every Friday night my sibling would call on pretext of catching up, if I don't pick call she would complain to mom.
    If I pick her call she would definitely say something to hurt me or poke me, ruin my peace for weekend. I understood her pattern and started responding in one word or minimal words. Yet she tops her game to say something to bother like "why you complain about health (I would have max said im tired ) though your older your weight is good sarcasticly etc. "
    Making gift big to parents though I'm not making big money, like equal share. I openly Said I don't have that much $$ to spend, for that she said "why you go to trips".
    I really cannot have a conversation about anything because I'm not rich as them end of story.

    What else can I do to save my peace.
     
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    I am so sorry you are going through such a trying time with your own family, who should normally be the people you can rely on unconditionally.
    You have realized the nature of your sibling. Now you are realizing the nature of your mother too. She is enabling your sister and they are mutually providing the fuel to each other’s fires. You have the bulls-eye painted on your back and your father is trying to preserve his peace by staying out of the picture. He has probably learned from experience that this is easier for him than trying to directly confront your mother.
    What can you do? You will unfortunately have to accept that your mother is not the mother you want her to be. Try not to engage in any mind games. If your mom starts then just cut the call short and say you will talk later. Don’t try to explain or justify your actions. If someone wants to needle you they will pick every little thing apart.
    If this doesn’t work then try to limit your contact with both of them. As the saying goes, you need two hands to clap. Put yours away.
     
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  3. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    You need to be very straightforward with her and have a tit for tat approach. If she was my sister I would have said it direct on her face that her behaviour is very bad. Somebody needs to point it out to her, better if an insider, a family member does it than an outsider.
    Regarding the tour part, you could have told her that being in US, you are not able to celebrate festivals, functions like others and tours are the only ways that you can recharge yourself with a positivity.
    Tell her about her unacceptable behaviors and during phone calls if she repeats it, cut the call immediately. Do it two three times and she would get the message. She has no right to take you for granted. She also has to grow up. Call her back after 1 or 2 days and talk to her again.
     
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  4. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks @paru123 @MalStrom
    I'm staying away for my peace. Still lot of poking and indirect talking , putting subtle way. For that I can't tit for tat. If I do it will blow up and put me in bad stage.
    To all IL friends out here pls never value one Over other, love them equally.
    Problem is i really really do not know how to do sweet talk to mom and manipulate her.
    Last month my sister said she is planning a vacation for parents in Dubai. I said ok, do what you like. Next week after she paid tickets , sending half bill. I clearly can't afford right now, both parents & sister know I lost job living hand to mouth.
    They know I cutoff classes for child to run household. Yet sending parents to vacation and asking me to pay half.
    When I said I never agreed for half amount she reacted and caused huge ruckus saying I'm not thinking or doing anything for parents. My sis husband makes huge money, that's often a crown on her head, my mom thinks he is great, he never respects my parents. But my mom puts a big show how her that soninlaw is great, his status.
    Mom recently sent gifts to sister didn't tell me, I didn't care. But when she sends me something, my sister knows what, when how much etc. It's kinda hurting everything.
    I wish I could cut off their relationship.
    @MalStrom yes my mom is not the one I want. Putting one child on pedstal and another on ground is hurtful.
    I have come to realization that Money & Acting skills are important and valued in life.
    Honesty, love are crazy things
     
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  5. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    In that case try to cease contact with your sister for a while. Block her on WhatsApp and don’t take her calls. She is deliberately provoking you. Tell her you wish her well and that she can re-enter your life when she wishes you the same.
     
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  6. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    I have limted contacts only. Hibye nothing big. Somehow she ropes mother in. They both are narcissistic persons, no respect for people or emotions. They have to get what they want, others may ruin. I'm in debt because of their Vacation. I'm tired of all these mind games , word pulling from mouth. I control myself not to react this morning it evaded too much I openly said to mom I don't have money she immediately said ok, you always lie.
    Whereas my sibling husband got a promotion no one told happened see that on social media, but my sis would say my plant died, my child has cold etc kind of things they hide all thier good news, only share negative news. Believe or not I don't know which school my nephew goes whenever I ask she will change topic, whereas she would drill the classes my kid goes to, check great schools for my kid's school rating etc.
    This is just going on. So I stopped talking to save my mental peace. For that also I'm getting blamed as I'm jealous I don't have boy I have girl child etc.
    Today I felt like dying...thank God you guys replied. Makes me feel heard
     
  7. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Whenever money matters are involved, it's always better to ask all the when,where,why,how type of questions. I think this incident would have been the best experience teacher for you.
    It is wrong on your sisters part not to have spoken regarding the expense distribution of your parents vacation before hand. Even now you can tell her to cancel the tickets if she finds it hard to pay for it all alone. You can tell her that in future after getting a job and having decent savings you will also contribute for such luxury expenses.
     
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  8. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Did you actually pay your half of the vacation? Don’t do that next time. You have to help if it’s something essential like medical expenses. Holidays are not in that category.
     
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  9. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Don’t pay for the vacation. Stand firm. Insist you don’t have the money, it was never discussed and you never agreed. It’s the only way. Tell sister - this stunt was the last straw. you don’t trust her anymore she is a liar and keep the phone. And then stop picking your sister’s calls. Let her complain whatever. If mom defends sis ask her if she also wants you to stop calling her. Tell mom that you will only talk to her if she stops bringing up sis and complaining and carrying sister’s water otherwise you will stop calling her also. Enough is enough.
    Tell your mom clearly that you love her and that any gifts like this have to be given willingly not compelled or forced. Assure her that when you do have the money you will be more than happy to fund this or that future trip but right now it’s impossible. If she is able to understand and accept that it’s good otherwise too bad. But you are not going to pay for this particular trip.
    @Vedhavalli see the problem is that you say no no no but when they force the issue you give in to the demand, pay however unwillingly. They are liars who hide their good news and money so they think you are the same, hiding and saying no no. Ironically if you pay your share for this ticket now it will be taken as further proof that again you were lying and pretending and the only way is to force your hand like this. You won’t get any credit for paying your share. Your mom openly told you you lie right? So harden your heart and stand firm. Refuse to pay. It’s the only way to get them to take you seriously. Yes you will be blamed they will shout and scream mom will say hundred things to which you should reply same thing - I have no money, I never agreed to this. If she has let her do I can’t.
    Mentally prepare yourself for their complaints because as you have noticed whether you pay or not they just keep complaining of find new things to complain about.
    You are afraid cutting them off will break the relation but it won’t. They need you more than you need them. How will your sister show she’s good otherwise? So don’t worry about that. But set clear terms and interact only if they agree to those conditions. Only if you say what you are going to do and do what you say and stick to your guns firmly (without allowing them to push, cajole or threaten you into doing what they want) will they realize that your ‘no means no’.
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2022
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  10. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @Vedhavalli - I’ve always admired your well balanced view point on anything. You are a very practical person. I’m the emotional one and I always have learned so much from even your small two liner posts.
    I’m sorry you are hurting so much. I would say it’s ok to have boundaries especially if you cannot do things financially. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You are doing all of the right things here.
    It hurts deep when it’s our own family.I almost wish this was an in-law and not your own blood. It’s harder when we can’t openly celebrate with our own families. But know that your family is not unique. It happens more than people like to admit.

    I think you are already doing all you can. You know more about narcissists than me but isn’t it their signature behavior to fight hard when they are given stern boundaries. Isn’t that why the common consensus is to cut off from the narcissists completely?
    In that sense, what you have written is following the pattern. They are fighting back and fighting dirty. The comments about you lying, not having a son are all that. Since they are family and since you can’t completely cut off, continue enforcing your boundary. End conversations when they start going down this path. Just say I’ve to go and hang up. Hopefully, a few instances of that will tell them they can’t use this tactic with you. Don’t react, before you react end the call. That’s the one thing in your control.

    One suggestion I have is to stop giving combined gifts to parents. If your sibling gets in touch about anything for parents let her know very clearly that it’s her gift alone and you will be doing for them separately. Be ready for comparisons there too. Seems like your mom gives a lot of importance to the monetary value of things. Just know that’s her personality and you can’t change the way she thinks. If you stop reacting to her comments about comparison with your sister, end conversations when it goes there and live happily, she will get the message.

    Hang in there Vedhavalli. Hope it gets better for you.

    Added as an afterthought: It’s also ok to say NO even if you can. We are taught that denying something to siblings and parents if we can afford it is being selfish. That sharing is caring and we have to share with the sibling. It shouldn’t be so after we are grown adults. The adult children shouldn’t be guilt tripped into doing more than they want to do, even if they can very well afford it.
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2022
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