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Sibling issues

Discussion in 'Toddlers' started by kavithavel, Feb 8, 2010.

  1. kavithavel

    kavithavel Senior IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I on and off visit the parenting sub forum. I have been little active here.
    I have a problem now...though I know the solution to it, I am felling a bit depressed and low, thought I would shre it with you moms here so that I can feel a little confortable.

    I have a twins one girl and one boy. I would write in brief as giving all details is not possible.
    My DD was a lil week when she was born and she had delayed milestones, thought she is normal and qually, infact more conpetant than my DS today, I have had this sibiling rivilary since they grew one..
    Yes I know the J factor would exits in between 2 children of the same age, but my DD is very loving towards her brother. Yes we did give a lil extra care to my DD in the beginning as it was needed, but now it is fine and we never showed a diffrence.
    He always hit his sis and she comes crying.
    My DH never even bother about what kids do...now that I control him or beat him up at times for his misbehaviour towards his sis.
    My DS is moving a lil away from me.
    He now has started sleeping with his dad more, where as this wasn't the case before.
    I am not enving , after all all are mine, but the pain as a mother to have parting with my DS suddenly is a lil more.
    I get annoyed when I see him beat his lil sis...I get uncrollable with him.

    Help me stay calm with him ladies, so that he is back with the same love that he always had for his mom.


    Ps. My DD would never hit him back , infact she protects him when I hurt him for the fact that he has hurt her...she is that loveing and that makes me feel even more bad that this guy of mine doesn't understand his lil sis love. Both my twins are just 3 yrs.

    I have tried talking to my DS , explaining to him that she belongs to him and that he can't hurt her ,also that it would pain her a lot, but he refuses to understand. I know he is too small for all this to get into his mind. How else can I handle this?????

    Love,
    Kavitha.
     
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2010
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  2. tikka

    tikka Gold IL'ite

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    Kavitha, welcome here. I am mom of a single (yet) so most of what I saying here is from my own experience as a sibling and from what I observe around. Do you think your DS "felt" (not necessarily because you did) like you were giving more of your time to your DD, given her developmental delays. My child was behind and I do know parents get totally focussed on a child who needs more attention.
    I was a "weak" child often prone to illness, my sister would have perhaps had similar thoughts that my parents were more focussed on me. I think your son is acting out his frustrations here, not necessarily jealousy. I guess he is trying to attract attention to him, even if it is very negative.
    Do you think have special times with both your children separately would help... say Saturday evening for DD and Sunday noon for DS and have a family time later. Or whatever suits your needs as a working mother.
    At 3 years old, my son often tells me he does not "like" me. He does not need me anymore at bedtime to be sitting with him and clearly prefers his dad, I am looking at it as a developmental stage when the Son realises he is more like his father. For us, it is also coming with the realisation that the boys and girls (male and female) are different. Just wondering if it is something like that rather than moving away from you because of a disconnect. You are not parting with your child, but helping him become more independent of you (a good thing, believe me ;-), after being stuck to him for two and a half years during bedtime I am finally free to do other things around the house.)
    I think you are using way too big words like "not understand his lil sis love" My son behaves like I am invisible to him a lot of times and then comes and hugs me for no reason, they are too young to express their love in a way we think is necessary. I think you have two lovely children there, I am sure raising twins is more of a challenge that way than raising singles.
     
  3. kavithavel

    kavithavel Senior IL'ite

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    oh yes tikka,
    Yes it does happen, he says I don't need you and 10 min, you can see him coming aroung and fighting to my lil DD saying she is my Mom.
    you are right may be ..but as parents at times we tend to justify..I do spend sepertate times with them...
    May be it is just like that and I am acting out of a guilt that I hurt him..could be , but this morning, I felt really low after the last night when he never came upto me....so was the post.

    All these days it wasn't tough at all, as handling twins was something that I was thanking the god to have chosen me to be capable of handling two at a time and have given me this gift.
    But as they grow now, I fear a lil to handle emotions..I know I can bring them up really well as a good individual each, but how am I going to address the sibling issues of love between them, understanding between them , just like other mothers I would ove to have my children bond well with each other , even if I or my DH would be neglected I wouldn't worry so much.

    Well with the given situation that my DH would also travel to US soon on a long project, I am a lil scared to handle my kids emotions.

    Thanks Tikka for the comment, felt a lil better reading your comment.


    Love,
    Kavitha.
     
  4. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Kavitha,

    hugs to you. as a mom of a 14+ year and a just turned 12 year son I feel, you should not start worry too much about their bonding.

    Remember one thing, we can try to make them bond well, that's it, not really TRY to make them bond. it is something natural.

    the J factor is one real problem that i see in kids these days.
    Just dont go about hitting or scolding too much. kids are sensitive and moreover not in front of his sister. we never know kids.

    I will tell you my DD is the most silent type, you will never believe all the mischief she can do without another person knowing it. the only advantage i have is my DS will never says lies. and moreover, i reprimand each of them separately. i don't support DS to DD, or the vice versa. I only try to tell them each that this is not the way to behave and i would love my kids to be better.

    My DS was the one who had all health/developmental issues through out. i took my dd into confidence and told her, that i had to give him extra care, as he had these problems, and god thought that this family of her dad, herself and her mom, can do miracles with their love and love.

    though they are at each other's neck some days, and there are I don't want a bro/sister days, i can say that they are united when needed. they love each other..

    Just wondering if you have reprimanded why are you hitting a girl or she was sick, you are not supposed to hit her. and it is his frustrations as tikka says and not Jealousy. for i have heard twins have a special bond.

    I can understand your feeling worried of handling them. believe me, the kids will also understand and co-operate when they know that they have to be.

    so relax.
     
  5. Traveller

    Traveller Gold IL'ite

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    Kavitha,

    As Shanvy and Tikka has mentioned, jealousy among siblings, esp at such young age is unavoidable. I have a soon-to-be 5 year old son and 20 month old girl. He calls her a bad girl, hits her when she takes his toys and irritates her by snatching her toys. But he's also kind and brotherly when the need be. I do loose myself when he doesn't listen to my saying that he needs to handle the little one gently. and he does it more because i tell him so. but at 5 he's able to tell us why he behaves so - he doesn't like sharing his toys with him; he insists on giving only 'certain' toys which the girl doesn't want but he doesn't accept that. he wants to know why she is given certain concessions like if she throws we're still in the process of teaching her not to throw. but he gets warnings and he must pick up. that difference he doesn't understand.

    at your kids' age it's very difficult for them to express clearly in words. don't get upset or don't take it personal (i used to but then realised they don't it as a vengeance). just tell him in sad tones that you miss your baby and very sad that he is not sleeping with mommy anymore. ask your husband to take the girl out and spend some one-on-one time with the boy. whenever he's in a good mood tell him that his sister is a bit weak and he needs to help her get strong. children of his age love to take up responsibilities. tell him she's not as quick or fast as he is so you need to help her. or rather encourage him to help. and never hesitate to show your appreciation openly.

    i do this with my boy - at bed time i tell him what all he did nice today. like coming to shower without much fuss.. such normal things. nowadays he himself asks if he was bad on any thing. then i tell him that too. wherever possible take your husband's help. simple household tasks are overwhelming and we can get really really exhausted to handle such emotional issues.

    next time there's a tiff - ask 'did someone cry? what happened?' instead of 'did you hurt your sister?'.. there will be some change. and don't forget to take some time out for yourself too. that's when you can scheme things well:)

    Latha
     
  6. kavithavel

    kavithavel Senior IL'ite

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    Shanthi,

    I have read a few of your post, but I have been a silent observer. I have always loved your comments.
    Thanks a lot dear, yes I know it is sometimes too much on me, with work , home and I get a little frustrated.

    I tried that Shanthi, getting my DS into confidence and telling him that she is not as strong as him and that he need to support or take care of her.
    I do encourage a lot, infact even by sponteneously clapping at what DS or DD do...
    They feel complimented.
    Would certainly try to work it more better.
    With support from people like you and others in IL I am sure of handling emotions of my kids well.

    Thanks a lot Shanthi,

    Love,
    Kavitha.
     
  7. kavithavel

    kavithavel Senior IL'ite

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    Latha,
    Loved the bed time stuff that you have adviced,
    I have never thought of it , would certianly start applying it inot action from today itself.

    yes it is thier age and more of being of same age that creates the J factor.

    may be as they grow, my DS would be more supportive towards his DS to help her be more fast and strong.
    you are right , I have seen that brotherly thing as well, when the neighbour's kids try to harm his sister.

    Thanks a lot latha, for all the support, I am feeling much much better after reading from you, Tikka and Shanthi.

    Thanks a lot dears,

    Love,
    Kavitha.
     
  8. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Kavitha,


    Can relate to your fear. I am taking care of things single handedly here.

    I sometime believe, let them finish off what they are doing. even if it is the fight i am a passive listener from a distance and will give a piece of my mind separately to each of them.

    there is another thing that was running in my mind this morning.the question is have you observed what triggers that frustation. sometimes, kids especially try to kindle the j factor when they get special attention. have you ever seen your DD do it. (It happens all the time, even at school , the child who gets first rank will do that to all the others..)

    Bed times can be made special times. just go to talk about your kitta. spin the stories of subadra, balarama how the brother and sister were so close.

    I have been through a period when we dreaded DD winning another medal before DS. he was so sensitive and his crying and moody spree used to damper DD's winning. we could never openly celebrate her winning. slowly he understands things now and even today we see it coming up sometimes, but it is just a flash..(this is natural..but as long it goes the healthy way it is fine.)

    It is all about learning what suits our kids through trials and errors.
     
  9. kavithavel

    kavithavel Senior IL'ite

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    Shanthi ,
    Yes it does trigger my DD as well, when I pamper my DS, but she is not that harsh on him, may be her way, DS doesn't allow her to touch a single toy, though he has two identical ones, he doesn't want to part with even one...He is kind of getting better these days, but a far way to travel more...
    I am just too scared about the responsibilities that I would have after DH leaves abroad and kids , I have been thru this before for a very long period, but that time it was more of just physical activity for me, bathing , them, feeding them...etc etc..I could handle everything alone since day one...Least help from IL's and parents didn't even other,as mine is still not accepted a love marriage even after 5 yrs.

    But now the fear is of emotions, I know I need to play very very carefull with this feeling of emotions. The challenge is only when kids start growing, when people used to ask me all these days as to how I handle 2 at a time, I would say I enjoy doing it, I was happily into my duties with all the love possible in the world to them, but now..it is like, oh gosh, why are they growing.....???So many Q'a to answer, my DS wants an answer to all that he wants to know, if not I am done, my maind has to work 1000 times faster to handle them tactlfully .

    I am sure I will learn with the support from IL.

    Love,
    Kavitha.
     
  10. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Kavitha,

    Hang on is all i will say. I believe, we brought the kids into the world, so it is our responsiblity, and expecting anything from P/PIL is bad. Good if they do, if not it is fine, we will learn to manage.

    just think positive.
     

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