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Should I Trust My Instinct

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Sep 27, 2020.

  1. Sweety2019

    Sweety2019 Silver IL'ite

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    Well, just think of it this way. Whichever decision you will make you will have a little comprises and some blame game. Some consequences eventually.
    Which consequence are you will to take
    1. Go with your family- possibility of catching covid.
    Unknown location for food, medical etc
    But everyone is young and might recover faster(assuming no-one has pre existing conditions)
    Keep the opportunity to pay bills n EMI
    But if you get the virus you will have to hear from family and friends.(because you took everyone it happened)
    2. Don't go to with family: you will miss your family
    Will you really be satisfied at this point to be alone.
    Have to rework to get kids back to school. Will have to wait atleast a year again to get them to your place.
    Family and friends will say something that you might not like
    Your husband might not be happy right now.
    If by chance you get the virus it will be only you for now
    But with the situation now will you be able to go back n forth to meet you family alone?

    3. Leaving the opportunity completely:
    Are you sure you will get the opportunity again.
    Will you be able to find something where you are to pay bills n emi
    Will your husband and you be able to make ends meet
    Rework to get kids back to school.
    You will have to hear from family and friends (such a good opportunity she lost. They could have done something) or( so much they wasted n didn't go)

    So most common thing is hearing from family and friends. (Not in a good way)

    So you decide which consequence you are willing to face? This is the way I chose when I have to decide on anything. Which can I live with, which is the lesser evil when every decision is going to lead to bad.
     
    shreepriya likes this.
  2. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    If the tickets are refundable, just you go first. If not refundable, all go now.
     
  3. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Well are you sure about that? I used to have similar attitude to you in some matters and would often profess the same. But one time my h took it as challenge and pointed out remorselessly every instance till I I was forced to admit that actually I do like to take the decisions in those matters as I consider myself the authority or expert there. just point it out as a possibility. Anyway it is something for you to consider and think about.

    Well make a list and analyse each item wise. Where does not going affect that item, where it is merely a delay, which can be reversed by trying when the pandemic is past, what is reversible, and what is completely irreversible change that you currently have not even imagined but which your family will have to adapt to for the rest of their lives. That should make it clear what you should do.
    True. If it's any consolation, we re all in the same boat. No one expected this to be so vast, and last so long. We are all having to adjust our expectations.
     
  4. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Dear all,

    Thanks a lot for participating in this discussion, that gives me an option to reevaluate my decisions with much more validations.

    Let me clarify a few things from my end:-

    1) I usually like to make my own decisions, specially when it comes to career choices and family matters. I believe in my capacity and I analyze a lot more before making a decision. Mostly, it was my financial capacity & emotional strength that allow me to be the decision maker at home. Everyone else, conveniently follow what I decide.
    But, at times like this (covid19) I prefer others should participate in my decision making process, at least by finding details, looking for options, open discussions etc..etc... so that, it would become a joint decision & I wouldn't feel bad or guilt about any failures.
    Regardless of my open invite, rather push my family, in particular my better half comfortably refrained from participating. He simply enjoys like a kid, by bragging about this trip with friends, and shopping.....
    But when I actually make/change the plan, he gets offended and becomes negative. Which is why I am in stress!!!

    2) I made this decision initially to go to BGD with family, by carefully assessing all the circumstances then.
    I had a fabulous career, but it was non-family. With covid19 restrictions and the sudden withdrawal of a domestic help (hard to secure one here), it felt extremely difficult to continue the career by leaving family. Hence I decided to resign.
    Around that time, I was offered with this new job in BGD, a family station. I thought they would give me at least 6 months to WFH, and expected this pandemic would be over after 6 months. It all happened in March, and I didn't know much about covid19 back then.
    I thought, it would be perfect to take the family and enjoy both family & career together.
    But, the situation remains unchanged, and covid19 is still a concern even after 6 months.

    3) Although I made the decision by assessing all the available resources of that time, situation has changed, and I have a new set of information that prevents me from going ahead with the old decision.
    I know it is hard. I know it means losing a job, finding it difficult to get another job, leaving family, EMI etc..etc... but I believe risking family is the worst of all.

    4) We are young, but there is no guarantee that we are safe from covid19 in a well exposed area. Besides that, me and my kid are Asthmatic, and H is diabetic. It is not a high risk factor though, but still I am bit reluctant after hearing how bad the situation back in BGD these days.

    5) We made the decision to take the family along. Family means, myself, H, kids and mom for us. Due to changing circumstances, we decided to leave mom at home for 2 months, and go. Mom was reluctant even to leave us for 2 months; hence all the drama. But we had a return ticket, so we didn't bother about it much. Now, if we are to stay there for an unknown amount of time (due to airport closure and uncertainty our return ticket is still on hold) mom would be feeling terribly bad.
    I don't feel OK to leave her at this stage when she is too old and fragile. My mind wonders what if I could not make it if something bad happens to her. what if she needed me beside her bed in the hospital?
    I don't wanna be regretting this for life by making a decision now.
     
    Caughtinbetween likes this.
  5. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    Best wishes for whatever you choose to decide. being a primary earner and having to make this decision is never easy for you . i dont know much about how easy or tough it is to find new opportunities in your line of work as we age but thats something to be considered when we let go of the big opportunities that come our way. you did what you can do best for everyone in your foo and now maybe your kids future should get prioritized . soon they will grow up and may move out for higher and better education for which at least one of you with a solid career and strong financial base is very important. if you think basic precautions regarding covid are possible at your new place and are enough to keep you all safe i guess you should go for it. however if you feel you can find a similar job next year or even a little later easily than you should stay back .
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    An update:

    I have informed the office about my issues, specially the health conditions of myself/spouse and the covid19 related risks that stressing us about the travel.
    They offered me the option of working from home till December with slight changes in my ToR, subject to management agreement. And we may reassess the situation after that.
    So, I feel kinda safe with regards to my job. Hopefully I may continue if the situation improves, if not I have time to secure another job. Given the uniqueness of my job, and my experience I am sure I can secure another post very soon. Just that, I may never find one in my home town. Either we all have to move to my next work place as family or else, I should continue to do this weekend momma/wife mode for another few years as usual.
    Either way, it is not life threatening and risky like travelling to Bangladesh right now with family and leaving my elderly mom alone at home and never be able to come back in case of any emergency in the near future.

    But my H sucks now. He was fired from his job this June. Since I was all prepared to leave the country with a good post, I assured him that he shouldn't be worried as we all can go together as family and he can look for a job there.
    He had so much hopes for this travel, and believed his destiny would turn for better if he move out of the country.
    In fact, he had informed his ex colleagues and friends that he is taking up a new job in Bangladesh.

    He feels cheated, specially when this postponement is caused ONLY by my instinct. He says, we have crossed 1/2 or the bridge, and hence should go anyways.
    He doesn't think much about the risk part, not about kids and our helplessness there amidst covid19 times. But he focused only on the society about his joblessness. He is so down, and feels broken. This is my another headache
    Even if he finds a job in Bangladesh, he has this tendency of loosing it within 6-7 months. But he feels high by informing his peers/family that he is employed.

    I tried my best to convince him saying he is not forced to secure a job immediately, but he can try and find one at his own pace.
    He can explain to the society about the covid19 issues and delays without talking anything in detail about his job. Even if the society is not convinced, it is not a major issue. If kids and family is safe, financially secured, and happy then that should be considered.
    Since he has informed others that he is remotely working for Bangladesh office, he can maintain that lie if that satisfies his ego.

    Nevertheless, I've suggested that he joins with his brothers on a pilgrimage trip to their Kula Deivam for 2 days, if that makes him happy. Hope he will come back refreshed in 2 days and we can enjoy 3 more months together as family here at our own home.

    We have opened our flight tickets for 6 months without a data. So, whenever we are ready to fly within this 6 months, we can fly with a small penalty. If not, we will be issued 40% refund.

    I believe this is God's will, and we are mere mortals. Hence staying positive
     
  7. beingmom

    beingmom Silver IL'ite

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    It's great that you're able to postpone the trip. But you seem to be judging your husband for his unemployment and acting without empathy. A person's worth is not based on the job they hold or how much money they have. However, the society looks at a jobless man as if he is not valuable/worthy, especially in south asian community. I think you should have consulted him before making a decision on postponing the trip (based on the above read, it sounds like you didn't)

    If the role were reversed, i'm sure we would have all bashed at the guy for not informing/consulting to his wife when postponing the trip.

    Sometimes we might lose focus on important things/people when we face lots of changes in life. I hope my post helped you think through your husband's state of mind in a different lens. No judgement here.
     
    Dynamite likes this.
  8. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    I have consulted him throughout the decision making process. I have expected him to contribute to my decision at least by assessing the ground reality, health conditions of kids & us, financial matters, schools etc..etc.. But he comfortably pushed all those burden on me.

    At last when i was uncomfortable with the trip, I sat down with him and explained how i feel.
    He didn't want to listen, but focused on how it can affect his image, how he will face his friends etc...
    After a point, based on so much similar situations in the past i made the final decision. Because i know regardless of the decision, I am expected to face the consequences of the decision.

    Be it any of us catching covid19 virus or loosing the income/paying EMI or issues on travelling back to home, I would have to handle it single handedly as always.

    So, I didn't feel bad or guilt on my decision here.

    I know it is hard to be jobless in our society. Hardest for a family man.
    But i don't think it is a wrong choice if the person is seriously NOT interested in having a career.
    Like house wives, men can be house husbands too.

    But if that is not logical, he could find an alternative by choosing a career for the name sake.
    If not independent freelancing or business helps, he could even chose a hobby to be occupied.
    He can be a responsible father to the kids, responsible son to his parents by spending time with them, assisting them, helping with their studies etc....

    I know he is disappointed. He expected a lot in this trip, but i felt bad when he wanted all these even after knowing it can force risks on kids/us.
    i hate his idea of faking a career to the world. If that happens naturally, its OK. But i can't take such a huge risk purely for him to fake a career abroad.
     
    Caughtinbetween likes this.
  9. Sweety2019

    Sweety2019 Silver IL'ite

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    Very honestly, I guess people would have all bashed the female in the picture, telling why are you not seeing his point of view. He is being so responsible, caring for the family's health and future.

    I guess we need see this situation as primary bread winner and secondary, rather than male or female. And there are always difficult compromises and decisions to be made. @SGBV has made her decision as the primary bread winner, because if anything is to go wrong it will be on her financially and emotionally.

    @SGBV you have made the right decision. If your family has pre existing conditions as you have mentioned, it is never okay to take a risk. If your husband is really angry what do I say to friends, just maybe for now ask him to cover it up by saying he got a job and they have given permission for wfh due to pandemic. If keeping a face in the society is more important than keeping the life small lies don't hurt.

    Irrespective of male or female, some decisions made when it comes to life and death,there is never right or wrong it's just situational. Imagine if the pandemic was over I'm sure you wouldn't have hesitated to take the whole family to your work location. Situation is different so decision is different.
    You have made a very good decision and all the very best for you and your family.
     
    Anisu and SGBV like this.
  10. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Hmmm... I was trying to imagine how such a thing would play out in my household. If we had to take a major yes/no decision that impacts the whole family, and one parent (P1) was voluntarily or involuntarily doing all or most of the research, P1 would have the majority say in the decision. P1 would present P2 the reasons for a decision, and P2 would say OK. They would both be aware of the risks of a yes or a no, and go ahead with P1's decision knowing the risks.

    After a "yes" decision has been taken, and the wheels are in motion, if P1 changes his/her mind when there has been no significant change in the information available, P2 would have the right to be royally ticked off.

    The right thing to do, IMO, would be for P1 to acknowledge that he/she is going back on a decision taken jointly after knowing the risks. That P1 did the research, is the only bread-winner, or will be the one to deal with any fallouts are moot points. Listing any of the risks of the "yes" decision as a reason for the change to "no" or "not yet" is not fair.

    I, alas, happen to have been the P1 many times. My P2 is a saint.
     
    pocahontas likes this.

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