Should I stand up for myself atleast now or keep quiet(as usual)

cutesmile09 · Jul 8, 2014

I have very terrible phase going in my life, I need your valuable inputs on how to handle this situation:I am married for 7 years with one kid 2 yrs old who is hyperactive,my DH is a very nice guy but when it comes to his parents his mind will be blank, he never support me openly I front of them even if they r wrong, my relations with my PIL's strained during my pregnancy for reasons best known to them,one may not believe that they( my PILs, BIL& co-sis) didn't attended my Seemantham function& also refused to attend my DD's naming ceremony( I was literally shocked to hear this), after intervention by Relatives of PIL's side only they have attended the function, I terribly cried for 21days as they initially tried to stop the function, I pleaded, begged them to shower their blessings on our first Child after our marriage of 5yrs, but they listened to my requests instead humiliated me& my mom very badly,I was deeply hurt but again I forgave them just for the sake of my DH& moved on, treated them nicely as if nothing of tht sort happened to me or my DD,here the main culprit is my BIL& Co-sis they both r very cunning& manipulative, my IL's likes them they take advantage if this & make my MIL work for them all around the clock, my PIL's did all the functions& deliveries for her, raised their first kid while she was working & now helping her with her newborn who is 14 months old, while my MIL never helped me atleast for a single day throughout my pregnancy( my mom was there with me for whole period), never took care of my newborn after my baby was 4months I was own on myself with zero help from my DH&great help from my Mom, I had an miscarriage when my DD was 1yr old atleast my PIL's have not called to enquire abt my health nor my BIL or Co-sis, I was terribly sick for 2 months but still no help from my PIL's,I think they never liked me nor my DD, they come to stay at my place for about 2-3 months that to for rest,Even during this stay I do my duties rightly it still my MIL keeps on nagging me abt me all the time, now they didn't leave my DD, they do nag abt the way she is? My MIL keeps on watching TV all the time but still I never intervene in their daily schedule, if they interfere in mine then I resent for that reason they insult me more often, I just feel like suffocated all the time as I got struck at my home as I have to take care of my DD, she loves me a lot, u don't believe my PIL's were at my home during my DD's 2nd b'day but they choose to attend an death anniversary ceremony of some distant relative over my DD's b'day, I was shattered& revolted back, started questioning them&gave back nicely to all the mistakes they have done, they didn't expected my sudden revolt& seem to be angry on me, my DH knew everything but still keeps mum,I stopped discussing these things with my DH as I feel I am speaking to some stone or wall( no reaction or emotion), unfortunately 2days back my MIL had an minor injury which lead to surgery of kneecap, now she is at bed rest for few days,I am taking care of my MIL as I feel it's my duty to serve her in the hour of need but one side I always remember the bad things they have done to me& feel bad,my BIL stay in diff city& stayed with my MIL for. 2days in the hospital& went back citing my Co-sis is alone, they simply not taking any responsibility of my MIL inspite of so many good things done to her by my pil's they r least worried abt her now but I feel I have every right to ask my BIL to send Co-sis to my place for sometime to help my MIL till her recovery but my DH is dead against this & want me to take care without any help, he feels they all will be terribly upset if I raise these issues now, but I said I don't care for which my DH is giving me silent treatment(sigh), my FIL doesn't care to wash his hands& feet after returning from hospital he will hold my DD I did tht today morning I told him softly & he did the same today evening I yelled at him for which he got angry& went out, my DH scolded me very badly I front of my mom,BIL& FIL, Tell me friends why mistake have I done atleast now can't I stand for myself & my DD,tom I want to ask my BIL to send my Co-sis at my place for few days to help my MIL as I alone can't manage everything with hyperactive toddler, I feel it's time for them t serve her but my DH is dead against this, shall I keep mum or revolt back pls help?

JustLikeYou · Jul 8, 2014

That sucks....

Hire a maid to take of your MIL and the household chores and you take care of your child alone. You can only so much. Your husband has no rights to demand you to serve his parents. It is his parents and he is duty bound and you are only courtesy bound.

Would your husband serve your parents? Can you demand it from him?

If he is not ready to hire a maid, go to your mom's place in the pretext of some unknown/unresolvable/bedrest requiring health issue. Come back after your ILs are out of the house.

cutesmile09 · Jul 8, 2014

Sorry for my long post& typing errors as I am typing in hurry& have tears while posting, I don't have anyone to discuss this issue hence posted here pls suggest me on how to handle this phase

cutesmile09 · Jul 8, 2014

Thanx Justlikeyou for your quick response, my PIL's won't allow to hire a maid to serve them bcoz they feel it's awkward,they wont let me enter into the kitchen before bath, forget abt maid taking care of them,hell will break loose, my mom's house is just a street away from my house, they r expecting my mom to help me during this period(grrr) I am ready to serve them but I want my co-Sis also to do her bit( atleast I want to ask her for namesake to know their true colours), I want to protect my DD from any unwanted infections& allergies as my MIL have got plaster on her leg& she was advised not to bath for few days, Am I wrong in my thinking? Atleast my DH think So, wht u say ladies, it's creating rift between me& my DH but I can't be quiet this time

Weasly · Jul 8, 2014

Dear Op
i am nt very experienced in all these matter i am still learning a lot from the IL ladies here ! Most importantly you and your mother are not your in laws's maid! How dare they think that your mother is suppose to look after them after they ill treated her , you and your dd???!!
Please hire a maid, it is ur house and if they want to be taken care of they have to adjust with how you can manage. It has to as per ur convinience and not their convinience. Tell ur dh that he did nt marry you so that you cud be the maid ( you have a baby to take care of also, how can he expect you to do everything?!)and it is wrong of him to expect ur mother to take care of the in laws !
And be very firm whn it comes to ur baby and your fil not taking appropriaye care before handling her! Just because they are elder does not mean they get to do what they want! I dnt understand what kind of a person handles a kid without washing hands after coming from a hospital! You hv to be strong for both yourself and your baby!

Justlikeyou has very correctly put the extent of your duty. These inlaws treat the dil badly all their life n then expect the dil to sacrifice their life for them. Hypocrites!! Please dnt bend over backwards to serve them!

cutesmile09 · Jul 8, 2014

Thanks Weasly for your reply it made me to relax, Since the day my MIL was sick my mom is with me only helping me in the kitchen as I some relatives around, My mom always does so much for me tht I feel guilty for taking her help but wht to do I have no choice my PIL's don't even bother to babysit my DD atleast for 5mins, they always insists me to take my mom's help as if it's a written rule, now even I wanted to ask them to take either elder DIL's help or maid help.. I am literally broken into pieces when they said I can't even talk in the interest of my DD!

confusedwoman · Jul 8, 2014

JustLikeYou said: ↑

That sucks....

Hire a maid to take of your MIL and the household chores and you take care of your child alone. You can only so much. Your husband has no rights to demand you to serve his parents. It is his parents and he is duty bound and you are only courtesy bound.

Would your husband serve your parents? Can you demand it from him?

If he is not ready to hire a maid, go to your mom's place in the pretext of some unknown/unresolvable/bedrest requiring health issue. Come back after your ILs are out of the house.
Click to expand...

:2thumbsup:

pantu · Jul 8, 2014

I don't understand why your mom is coming to help you. As long as your mom is offering her service they will take it for granted. It is your hubby's responsibility to take care of his parents too. Tell your hubby to at least babysit if he can't hire any maid. Tactfully tell them you need your co-sis's help. But not in a demanding tone , just a request. If she does not come then just hire a maid .

yellowmango · Jul 8, 2014

Dear OP...from your post ,it looks like you are your own biggest problem.
Why do you want their approval so bad? It doesn't look like they are your favorite(in laws )people ....nor are you their favorite.So why do you keep forcing a relationship.

You say they didn't treat you well...still you beg them to attend your function....you even have your mom beg them to attend. Why do you keep forcing them in your life and then complain.

You had your mom's help during pregnancy.Most women want that....just check out threads of women who were helped by mil.Be happy....instead of crying that they didn't help.If they had come to help...you would have bigger problems.

Your in laws relationship with bil and co sister should not be an issue.Maybe they get along better with them than they do with you and your husband,. They have been taking care of their kids and are probably better bonded to them.If they choose to help them...that is their choice.You can't force people to help.

Regarding mil health issue...I agree ...you should not be the one responsible ...at least not the only one ,to look after her. You bil and co sister should help out too. But here also you want to "serve the mil" because "it is your duty in her hour of need" and then you complain.

You shout at in laws and get upset if they fight(fil and hand washing issue)Seriously...???you shout at fil (or even a father) and expect him or your husband to stay quiet.There is a way to convey your views to parents ...shouting for mistakes is not the way.

Your solution lies in...

1)Lowering your expectations from your inlaws.
2) Don't compare your inlaws relationship with bil and his family.
3) You have a wonderful family and helping parents.Make your family your life. You don't realize how lucky you are that in laws don't want to be in your business all the time.
4) If you resent your co sis not helping out with mil...keep a servant to help. Later, let them go to bil. You serve your parents who are there for you in your hr of need.
5)If you want your in laws approval...ignore them .That works best.Be the best you can be .....as a person,mother ,wife and daughter.Stay happy in your life. Best wishes dear.

AprilLisa · Jul 8, 2014

i completely agree with Yellowmango......

first thing for you to do is..send your mom home....its your family and you need to manage it....why are you bothering your mother......first you act like a maid in your own house.....and then on top of that... you call your mother to be another maid in your own house...she needs to do things according to your in-laws beck and call.... think how difficult it is for your mother.....and how disrespected she might be feeling......but that poor lady is doing all that for the sake of you and love for her child, is making her to go through all of this.....please spare her...........its your and your husband's problem...........don't drag your mom in it.. if you need help from her....then leave your DD at your mom's place every morning...and then sort out your house problem.........you mom will gladly babysit your child in the comfort of her own house.....without feeling disrespected......if anyone objects to this...sweetly say that now that MIL is unwell, she needs more care, and as you can't manage both... you are sending her to your mom's place until MIL is fine again.........this way you will be able to keep her away from germs as well.......if no one supports you on this matter simple ignore them...and do as per your plan........if your DH objects then let him babysit while you are busy doing chores........

you can go to your mom's place post lunch after you are done with your duties.....come back in the evening to cook for them...and pick your kid post dinner .. or ask you mom to drop her back after her dinner......that ways, you can peacefully be with people you like at least for 2 to 3 hours in the day without making them feel bad, and your daughter will also be taken good care of...and you will also not feel drained out......

All the best!!