Should I spend equal time with my in laws

Definitely not. At least, not many husbands do that.

Good luck with your trip!
Sandhya

 

I know many cases where the wife doesn't even visit the in-laws or just stay with them a day or few hours. There is no justification for such behavior. Some men never visit their in-laws and restrict their wives' visits too. Compared to that your husband was fair. Suppose if you have a brother who visits India alone for 4 weeks and decides to split his stay with your parents and his in-laws, would you or your parents agree with that?

 

we live in a male dominated society . If your husband stays one day or one week with your parents that is ok. but if you stay with you inlaws for one day or one week that is not ok. it is always very hard to digest.what to do? we always want to avoid conflict so we have to go with society norms.

 

The husband is not visiting India alone, is he?

I really think that the double standards and hypocrisy we have in our current society is because of our patriarchal past. If both sexes were treated equally, then we would never have this problem of which set of parents takes precedence over which.

My only irritation is when children are involved and one set of grandparents - paternal or maternal - gets to dominate the time with the kids during the children's vacations. It is as if the son or the daughter gave birth to those kids by himself or herself with NO help from his or her spouse. That bugs me no end. If a person is visiting India with his or her children but without the spouse, s/he should still take the kids over to his or her in-laws' house so that the other set of grandparents can also spend time with the kids. But I rarely see this happening. The dominant spouse's parents always end up calling the shots, as unfair and as unreasonable as this is.

 

I really think that the double standards and hypocrisy we have in our current society is because of our patriarchal past. this is 100% true in my case. my MIl makes my bil and sil take leave from their work (when we go to india) for one month and makes them stay with our kid. and in between if I go to my parents house she will have long face. I dont have bro or sister but my parents also wants to stay with my son. she always says that it is her grand son. I get so irritated by this statement.
and apart from that she will laugh and be happy if my son says her name/FIL/my BIL or sil 's name and her face will change if my son talks about my father or mother. I feel sick of those attitude.

 

Hi,
As you have already taken a decision, I would just put my point of view. The issues you mentioned are very common so don't be bothered about that. Most of the times neglecting works better. I'm not saying tolerate it.
You should have a talk with your husband why he thinks you should spend equal time when you are not treated equally at both places? Why would he want his better half to spend her vacation in a place she is not comfortable? (in case of NRI's like you who get very limited stay in India becomes much more important to enjoy your time without tensions. It overtakes the entire meaning of vacation) Would he stay equally with your parents when you are not around? Would he stay (forget about equal duration) with your parents if they treated him the way your in laws treat you? Do not fight, cry, blame just mention the concerns and let him think over it. And also tell him you don't mind staying there when he is around but when you are alone it should be your choice.
About them getting to spend time with your child, if you are in the same city you can go to their place, spend the day and come back to your parents or you can arrange for shopping, go to some garden or somewhere, visit relatives together. This will avoid tensions between you and MIL being out of home. And more important they should understand the fact, if they want to enjoy quality time with their grandchild, they should treat his mother well.

Well said dear :thumbsup

Vaidehi

 

Renu, I see same change in attitude with my ILs face & expression as if me or my fly members were untouchables & they were Lord & mighty of 18th century & hence have reacted on mention of their name.... She'll simply drop the child wherever the child mentions of nani/ nana/ mama/ mami etc...

Sri, If I were to take a decision like you I'd have selected to land at ILs place with an intention of 50% stay even w/o DH just for the sake of children if the children are really treated well there (tho am unwanted DIL but a wanted nanny) .... cos kids shud have vocablury abu paternal relatives too... also I feel those kids who get their paternal grandparents attention & love are really lucky....
When there were no kids we used to have separate vacation plans where I used to visit my parents for 10 days w/o DH & along with DH to his place at another part of yr. DH rarely visited my place or my functions.

I know my parents will shower utmost love n affection on me and my kids unconditionally whether i stayed for 50% or less or more or visited them first or last.... however those conditions become contention when the order & % is less for ILs home stay.

 

Yeah thats a way of making ILs used to this concept but in my case nuthing can change them so I prefer not to call my parents in their presence or feeding my kids with their maternal relations.. cos every 1 ml of blood she burns for herself she makes sure that I loose 100 ml & a lot of peace of my mind which she clubs for her bi-yearly volcanic erruption via m DH...
So I realised its just not worth the effort.