1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Liked anything that you read here? You may nominate it as the Finest Posts!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  5. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Should I spend equal time with my in laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sricharani, Dec 14, 2009.

  1. sricharani

    sricharani Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    66
    Likes Received:
    15
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi,
    We are visiting India in February from UK with my 1 year old son. My husband would not be staying more than a week in India this time. But me and my kid plan to spend around 5-6 weeks there. My DH wants me to spend equal time with both my in laws and parents when I am there. Both of them are in Chennai, India. The problem is that I have not had a cordial relationship with my mil in the past visits and feel she has been unfair to me on many issues. I am still not able to digest why would I have to spend time with my in laws and parents equally even though my hubby would not be staying with me during my visit. do you think this is a fair proposal ? I think it would be fair for me to spend more time with my parent's house as would any girl prefer to. Is this wrong ? Pls advise. I would not say my in laws are bad people it's jsut that there are conservative and expect DIL to be obedient which ofcourse I am not. Some issues i face with my MIL
    1) In the past or so she has been indifferent towards my parents which I strongly could not accept.
    2) She is possessive about her son
    3) She always gives more importance to her daughter compared to us and would expect me to do the same towards my SIL
    4) She feels possessive even when I am with my parent's place
    5) I was in my mother's place throught when I was pregnant at bedrest, she never bothered to come and see me neither did she cook for me when I was there in my in laws place during pregnancy
    and the list goes on...
    So I always feel uneasy staying with them. But for my DH's sake I have to stay with them when I visit india, this time I really feel what's the point in treating them as equal to my parents when there is no reciprocation. Should I change the way I am thinking ? Is it the fate of any Indian woman to stay with in laws house whether they like it or not ?
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2009
    Loading...

  2. QUINCY

    QUINCY New IL'ite

    Messages:
    71
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    6
    Gender:
    Female
    My suggestion is stay 3 weeks in your place and 2 weeks in your inlaws place. Do your shopping while being in your inlaws place so you don't have to spend that much time with your inlaws.
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2009
  3. lotusgirl

    lotusgirl Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    383
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    hi..
    if the relationship between u and your ILs were atleast cordial or even manageable, i would have strongly suggested equal stay at both the places give or take a week or so. This would be mainly becuase they have an equal right to time with their grandchild. But if you are not respected while you are staying there and your & your kid's needs are not going to be taken into consideration, then this is not applicable.
    But still i would suggest some time at the ILs place. I guess the time your DH would be in India, the whole week would be at your IL's place? And since both your places are in chennai, i hope its feasible at least to spend the day time for few days at IL's place?
    Unless you want a complete stop to your relations with your IL's i wouldnt suggest a complete refusal to staying with the ILs for few days...
    Good luck with your decision and i hope you and your DH are on the same page regarding this.
     
  4. sricharani

    sricharani Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    66
    Likes Received:
    15
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    I am ready to spend time with my ILs. but just that I would definitly prefer more time with my parents. But if I dont give a equal stay in both places, my MIL puts up a long face and creates unnecessary tensions. How do I handle her ? Even If I stay equal time with parents too ,she doesnt' like it. She creates one or other reason to make me stay with in laws place more time. I really am sick of thinking about her . How do I handle her? It gives me unncessary mental tension thinking of my India visit. I want to make this visit peaceful and enjoyable with both my in laws and parents.
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2009
  5. scorpiogal

    scorpiogal Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    234
    Likes Received:
    6
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    If you want to make this trip peaceful and memorbale try listening to your DH and spend time equally .Just a fewday more doenot hurt .Even if you don't want to sepn they might need to spend time with their grandson.People do change with time .The things that you said about your MIL is 90% charatersitics of all MILS.so its just a few weeks .as other ilites said try to spend that time packing ,shopping ,visting temples etc so that you don't have to hurt anybody .

    you don't have to treat them equal to your parents.But both the grand parents have equal rights to spend time with their grand son so so please don't take it away from them
     
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2009
  6. Ajith

    Ajith Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    124
    Likes Received:
    63
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Male
    Listen to your husband and spend equal time.


    • Your husband is at least reasonable unlike other husbands who expect their wife to stay with his parents most of the time.
    • The issues you are facing with your MIL is what all women face, nothing different. But that doesn't mean I am justifying your MIL's actions.
    • Your parents and in-laws are in the same city. Imagine if they are in different cities and you have to shuttle between the cities with your kids.
    • You will be in your in-laws place for only couple of weeks. So what if your MIL puts up a long face? Put up with it for your husband's sake. When you are ill, don't you take bitter medicine to get well?
    • If you spend equal time, your husband will be very happy and a good wife wants to see her husband happy, right?:)
     
  7. vidhkarthik

    vidhkarthik Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    425
    Likes Received:
    26
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    On the same note, Isn't this the responsibility of the husband to understand the unfairness of the situation and make the wife happy? After all, a good husband is also one who keeps his wife happy. Right?

    Just because some Indian men expect heavens from their wife and expect them to spend 100% of time with his parents, it does not mean it is right. Many men acknowledge the unfairness and do not ask their wives to do it. I personally know many many couples who do not insist on 50% stay...ofcourse the husbands also need not stay in the wife's place for 50% or even 20% of the time.

    BTW....Vacation is a time to relax and enjoy and we Indian women are also entitled to our share of vacation. I don't think its a man prerogative alone. Why should be swallow the bitter pill as of she is ill on the vacation for many many years to come?
     
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2009
  8. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,240
    Likes Received:
    96
    Trophy Points:
    103
    Gender:
    Female
    Sricharani,

    Your child is only a year old. So, it would be very difficult to leave him at your in-laws' all by himself with you in your mother's house. Therefore, I strongly second Quincy's suggestion. Divide your vacation into equal times with your in-laws and parents (due to the child) but spend your time by shopping, making day-visits to friends and relatives, etc. The idea is to give the semblance of having spent equal time at both places without having to get up close & personal with your MIL, especially if she is rude or abusive towards you. At the very least, your child is her grandchild so she is entitled equal time with him (your son) even if not with you.

    As your son gets older, it gets better. Eventually, he will be old enough to stay by himself at his grandparents' place so you won't even have to keep up a charade of spending time with them. You can drop him off there for half-the-vacation and spend that time with your own parents.
     
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2009
  9. kj2008

    kj2008 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    148
    Likes Received:
    6
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi,

    Even I had this problem when I visited India in June. I was travelling alone with my two children to India and hubby was to join after 2 weeks. So they wanted me to land at their place and stay. So I made my hubby clear that ok I will land there and after staying at night next day went to my parents place. My inlaws place is just 20 minutes away from my parents place. I stayed with my parents till my hubby joined me. My husband thought what u feel ok about do it. Its ur vacation so u need to plan it and not they. They will never be satisfied with what u do.
     
  10. sricharani

    sricharani Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    66
    Likes Received:
    15
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks for your suggestions. To make things better I hv decided to swallow the bitter pill ):rotflof staying with my mil equal time as of my parents.Even though my DH would not force me to do that, but deep in his heart I know that he would be happy if i give a equal stay in both places.This is a kind of compromise that we Indian girls have to do to make our DH happy. But wondering would our DH do the same thing to us ??....
     

Share This Page