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Should I find him?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by KateOguinn, Apr 9, 2011.

  1. KateOguinn

    KateOguinn Junior IL'ite

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    Dear IL----Should I try to make contact with my father?

    Some background---30 years ago, my Irish-American mother met and fell in love with an Indian engineering student when they were in college here in the States. When his parents found out he was living with an American girl they (quoting my mother) "summoned him home and married him off".

    Soon after he left, she found out she was pregnant. She tried to get ahold of him, but he never contacted her back. She never told him she was having a baby---as she puts it, "if I wasn't good enough for them, then neither was my daughter".

    I had a good all-American upbringing, and really have little to no understanding of my father's culture, but I've always been curious. Idusladies has been like a treasure box of information and understanding.

    I have so much more empathy over the pressure my father must have been under. Even my mom is a little more forgiving after reading some of the postings here.

    My question to you is, should I try to find my father? I have the address of his brother who lives here in the states (or at least I think so, a little computer searching finds the same family name at that address)---so should I introduce myself or would that turn everyone's world upside down?

    I don't want anything, I have my education, an excellent job, a small happy family, but like most folks, I'd like to connect with my roots.

    So what do you think----should I try to find my dad? Or would my presence in his life just bring him problems and disgrace?
     
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  2. Coffeelover

    Coffeelover Platinum IL'ite

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    Go ahead and find him. After all, he is your father. What does your mother say? Is she married now?

    First find out about him through his family and slowly try to get to know them.

    Good luck. :thumbsup:thumbsup:thumbsup:thumbsup

    CL
     
  3. KateOguinn

    KateOguinn Junior IL'ite

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    My mom says to be very careful, she says he comes from a very traditional Brahmin family. She's afraid his family would be cruel in their response to me (they were very cruel to her). I'm afraid that it would ruin his life with his wife. I don't want that.

    And truely, after reading threads about whether girls with a few strands of brown hair are acceptable, I'm kind of afraid of what they'd think about an Anglo-Indian girl with bright green eyes.

    I'm thinking that maybe I should try to find some cousins first, just to see if I'd be throwing a bomb into my dad's life. What do you think?
     
  4. lalli30

    lalli30 Senior IL'ite

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    Life is too short dear... as you are letting time pass by, you might one day end up regretting not having contacting him earlier... I understand totally what you mean by saying you do not want to send a bomb in his life.

    your idea of contacting one of his cousins instead first would be very nice but only delay and maybe stop the process of getting to your father, you know...

    Personnally, I think you should go and meet him at one point he s alone... This sounds a bit like movie story but honestly I can not imagine you calling him at home when his wife and other children could be around...

    Anyways, I wish you good luck and I will pray for you and your father to reunite soon...

    lalli
     
  5. sitara1

    sitara1 Bronze IL'ite

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    As a daughter, you have every right to meet your father. Regd meeting cousins, you never know what their family dynamics are. Indian families are complex, filled with politics. If the cousins or relatives help you, thats fine, if not that could mean more trouble. If you want to avoid getting your father into trouble, try contacting him one on one without the knowledge of his family.

    Even if you don't have the traditional black hair/eyes, I am sure you are beautiful with your green eyes. I hope your father thinks so too.
     
  6. sreemanavaneeth

    sreemanavaneeth Gold IL'ite

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    My dear Kate,

    You discuss about this with your MOM and take her suggestion also.
    Anyway you try to find out your father. Nothing will happen.
    Your mother provided you good education and brought you up a very good child without your father. THIS YOUR FATHER SHOULD KNOW.

    ALL THE BEST. MY BEST WISHES TO YOU DEAR.:thumbsup
     
  7. KateOguinn

    KateOguinn Junior IL'ite

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    Thank you Lallie, Sitara, and Sreemanavaneeth,

    The thing is, my father (as far as I know) is in India, still living with his parents. I don't have his address or know where he works. I'd have to contact him thru his brother in California.

    My mom says that he was pressured into living at home and being "their baby boy again" Seems like he's probably living in a traditional joint family.

    My mother's of the opinion that he'd either deny my parentage (abusing her good name in the process) or I'd become the shameful family secret.

    I go back and forth, but most times I think it's wiser to let sleeping dogs lie. Right now everyone is content, and it's probably only my ego that wants to be acknowledged as a daughter. My mom raised me by herself, I never had a dad---but it was when I was a kid that I needed a dad, not my 30 yr old grown up self

    I'd like to know my dad, but more than that I'd like to know my culture---IL has been a wonderful window into that culture and I'm wondering if--even though I can only add the American point of view--I'd be welcome to participate in the board?
     
  8. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Duplication of posts
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2011
  9. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Hello Kate , welcome to IL , we would love to hear from you !
    Its natural to try and meet your father but he does not know that you exist !
    Try and get his phone number /address from his brother with some excuse , say that you are his friends daughter or something.
    Then you can directly talk to your father and tell him about yourself. He may not believe you at first but you have to convince him. DNA tests can prove your point if required .
    Meeting his family can come later , first build a rapport with him .
    All the best !
     
  10. KateOguinn

    KateOguinn Junior IL'ite

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    Thank you FlowerLady, that's a great idea about pretending to be a daughter of an old friend. I'll ask my mom who some of their mutual friends were back then.

    And thanks for the welcome. I've been receiving all the IL wisdom like it's from my virtual "Aunties". I have learned so much, but most of what I've learned is that I really don't know much at all.
     

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