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Should Childless Couple Be Encouraged For Adoption?

Discussion in 'Adoption' started by gouricocktail, Aug 8, 2020.

  1. gouricocktail

    gouricocktail Silver IL'ite

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    My brother and SIL married 9 yrs back. They really desperately want a baby and they are still waiting that to happen. I feel very sad because they're sad and not happy.

    They're both over-weight (especially SIL is suffering from obesity) and they say they exercise, eat right but I don't know why - they haven't lost any weight. May be this is preventing from having a baby , may be not.

    They are visiting the same doctor for 5 years. In 5 yrs they had 3 IUIs, 1 IVF - all failed. Apparently, after 5-6 weeks there is a miscarriage. Now again, they will try for another IVF after corona situation settles down .

    I have brought up the topic of adoption twice to my bro in all these yrs but he very clearly said - "we both are against adoption, so don't bring up this topic again."

    My parents are very broad-minded and they are completely in favor of adoption. Also, we never discuss this topic with my SIL because we don't want to hurt her emotions in anyway. She is very sensitive to this topic. Also, she has never ever brought up this topic to us by herself.

    We have many relatives who have legally adopted kids and we have witnessed success.

    How can I encourage my brother to take adoption route instead of trying for more IVFs and then a surrogate route..

    I wouldn't have encouraged someone for adoption if I had doubts as in ... I know my bro and SIL are very good people and they would take care of the baby so much once they have the adopted baby home. They will be good parents - I am positive.

    FYI - my bro has completely shut us (me and mom, dad) off and he doesn't like anyone to bring baby topic up.

    My parents also think adopting is better than IVF because IVF has a big cost associated with it without any guarantee that it will work. My brother and SIL don't earn a lot to afford it. We all have helped them in the past but it is all difficult.
    Another reason for adoption over IVF is : my mom feels my SIL will finally have a baby and she won't be sad anymore. Also, SIL going through the injections and all, my mom can't see her DIL going through all of this.

    How can I tell my bro (talking to SIL is impossible) , that adoption can change your lives in so many beautiful ways.

  2. netflx

    netflx Gold IL'ite

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    Your bro and SIL are not kids. You have suggested Twice, and he has very clearly said. That means No.
    And No (from an adult person especially) means - pls. dont bring it up again.
    Don't spoil your relationship by forcing the topic on him or her.
    Metamorphic, SGBV, shravs3 and 4 others like this.
  3. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Don't mistake but they are adults here and let them decide what is right for their lives.
    I too have a brother but after a point my maintain my boundary when it comes to his life.We are very close but I still feel there should be an unsaid boundary.

    Not everyone needs to or is in favor of adoption.Let them take sometime and when all options are exhausted,they will finally decide or ponder over adoption if they want to.

    Maybe, you can indirectly without hurting talk about them losing weight as it does play a big factor while conceiving but even that you need to be very careful.Already they are in an emotional stress so it is better to back off for now.

    It is nice to know you are concerned for them and you seem like a good sister but it is best to let them decide about what they want to do and how much they are willing to try.

    I myself had a child through IVF route and my hubby was not for adoption.It took many years but we waited and noone forced us.It helped us emotionally a lot.

    The doctors are the ones who can actually advise a couple about weight issues and IVF if it is worth it.My doctor bluntly told me to not worry about a child,take up a career and be happy even if I was childless.It did not bother me as it came through her.So,what I mean is the right person needs to talk.

    Wish them luck and pray for them.You are a nice sister who will be happy for their happiness and probably very soon they will be blessed:) Good luck
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Seeing only one doctor for 5 years and not seeking a second opinion is the only questionable thing. But, there might be good reasons for this too.

    Other than that, your brother is doing a great job of figuring out their way through this struggle. You and your parents should trust that they are aware of all the options available and have the ability to evaluate these and seek professional advice if needed. Be there for them. Be available to listen without giving unsolicited advice. This is the most precious gift you can give them.

    If you have helped or later will help them with money, it becomes even more important to bite your tongue. This infertility phase will end one way or the other in a few years. How you help or hinder him will impact your relationship with him for ever.

    To answer your specific question -- there is no way to encourage a sibling or friend who is not by himself in favor of adoption.
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2020
  5. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    It is highly offensive, cruel and inappropriate to badger a childless couple to “just adopt”. It’s doesn’t matter what their family members or the sabziwalla or the lady next door thinks they should do.They are aware of the option and it is their own decision.
    It is a special kind of hell that they are going through and if people cannot be supportive they should hold their peace.
  6. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    It is their personal decision...most couples want some to have their own biological child and can go to any extent to do so..I think you shouldn’t nag them to adopt. Let them only decide what to do once their options run out..regarding finances, yes IVF is expensive, so you may decide to not help them financially with their next IVF cycle if you do not have hopes of them succeeding this time..that’s your choice...but adopting or not is their choice..
  7. nandinimithun

    nandinimithun IL Hall of Fame

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    Adoption is a sensitive issue, no one can be forced upon this decision. A Couple has to make up their mind and be mentally and emotionally strong.
    I believe that, whether it is our own sister or brother, we cannot discuss about a child, because it solely depends on the husband and wife as to how they want to have a child.

    I am sorry if i sounded harsh, but try to divert your sis in law towards a healthy hobby, she will need a change now.

  8. radhaparth2000

    radhaparth2000 Platinum IL'ite

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    Going through infertility and treatments is mentally and financially draining. It takes a toll on couples. Refrain from making any suggestions to your bro and SIL unless they ask you for an opinion. Adoption is a very personal decision and should not be forced. You don’t have to convince them to take adoption route! They are adults and can decide what’s good for them.

    Sorry if I am rude, to me it appears you are very judgemental. Commenting they are obese, had so much treatment and all is not right. It’s there life, not urs!

    stay away from them!
    MalStrom, nandinimithun and shravs3 like this.
  9. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    You are a good sister, who thinks & understand how your brother & SIL feel, can't withstand thier pain. Unlike some mil & sil not seeing this opportunity to taunt the DIL of the family.
    Your good thoughts & prayers will do miracle.
    At the same time you can't suggest an adult to adopt.
    It's a big thing for people from conservative society. In US many go for adoption, it's normal here but in India it's still seen taboo.
    So pls maintain personal boundaries. Support them emotionally.
    It's very normal in big cities like Delhi Mumbai that people get loan for fertility treatments.

    In an ideal society doctors should suggest adoption after multiple ivf & surrogate failures.
    Relatives suggesting such things will impair relationships forever. You pls pray for bro.
    Caughtinbetween likes this.
  10. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    High amounts of stress releases a hormone in the body - cortisol which makes it hard to lose weight.
    This is a highly stressful situation.

    1 ivf? Success rates for IVF isn’t 100%. You should calm down and give them time.

    He has clearly mentioned his stance. You are trying to find ways to talk to him about it. He is highly stressed and so is his wife. You are adding to his stress, not taking away from it.

    They cannot be thrust with a baby they don’t want and find the emotional connection.

    Because you are adding to his stress. You aren’t being supportive at all. Being supportive means accepting their decision and staying away if you cannot say anything positive. They have multiple fertility treatments, it’s their choice.

    Your parents are not adopting or raising a child. It’s not for them to decide what is good/bad for the couple. They may decide to either have their own or not have one at all. You can’t put a $ value to a baby - any baby. Some people are able to adopt and give a baby their hearts. It’s not because it’s “less expensive” to adopt. That should be the last thing to be considered while thinking about something as life changing as adoption. Please do not suggest such things to the couple. You have already been cut off from baby talks, you will be cut off completely if you continue down this path.

    Btw, even if you didn’t say anything to your SIL, she probably already knows by now that her ILs are pushing for adoption. You may not directly bring up the topic but this is a combined decision and they probably have discussed it. She is going to be very resentful of it.

    One sure shot way of making your brother happy is by having conversations/meet ups/ fun things with them without even bringing up the baby topic. If you live close by you could try walks together or so dis meet up at the park or something. If you don’t, just call and have regular conversations. There is so much one can banter with a sibling without bringing in high stress topics.

    Sometimes somebody needs to be the buffer between parents and a sibling who is going through major life issues. I believe your brother is trying to be the buffer and it’s stressing him even more. If I were you, I would be telling my parents to accept their decision and to not stress the couple further. Parents can have conversations with you about their own POV but it should never be given more weightage than what the person actually wants.

    Down the road, they may change their mind. That’s when all these options can be given to them. If they don’t ever change their mind then hold your peace. There is not good way to convince someone about adoption.

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