Shifting your parents abroad

OP, IMO it is very difficult for elderly Indian parents to live in a foreign country. I know some who are able to adjust well but in almost all of these cases, the place in question has a large and active Indian community. Moreover, most of these people have lived abroad for a while in their younger days.

Elderly people thrive in the comfort of familiar surroundings. Some like to talk to neighbours/relatives/friends on a daily basis, some like to take walks in places they are familiar with, and some other enjoy Indian TV channels more than anything else. Food is also another issue. Depending on the place you live in, some Indian ingredients may be difficult to find, and having to eat "incomplete" Indian food everyday can be quite taxing.
Not to mention the terribly cold and snowy winters, which can be a nightmare for Indian parents.

In a nutshell, they might enjoy the comforts and sightseeing and shopping initially, but it is very challenging for Indian parents to live long-term (and this starts from a few months) in a foreign country.

If your mom is clearly not happy in your place, you can discuss with your H and chalk out a plan to return to India in some years. Or have an open discussion with some close relatives that she is comfortable with, who can take care of her by visiting every week etc.

 

Dear OP

Appreciate u taking responsibility of ur mom, and great that ur hubby is supporting u. Not many kids have this luck. We are stuck here in foreign country with guilty feeling of not being able to help parents.

Just relax and be patience with ur mom. 2 of my bezt friends got their mom, best friend did same, she is a active member of satsang and used to volunteer in temples. she involved her mom too.

Make a routine for ur mom, introduce her to any interesting things and move to a place where she can independently go. Teach her to go safely near by places make friends for her.
don't make her just sit home to cook and baby sit. May be u r not but have seen most of the people doing that with parents.

 

Hi sandhanagopal,

You are really a good daughter taking care of your mother and worried about her.

At this age, it is very difficult for them to adjust. No matter how much you give, differences & thus discomforts of Indian setup to living in US are endless. They do not worry much about clean/fresh air and space to walk here at this age or not living under the fear (of getting robbed anytime). For them ( or for all us of ported from india..), human contact is very important.


If you stay at home or have kids, things will be better for her as she will keep seeing someone.
Then also depends what city and community you live in. Big cities like NYC etc have lot of Indian communities and lot like India. Take her to temple/other religious places regularly where she can find someone of her age to talk to.

I can understand your difficulties. Its painful to bring them here, then see their sad face everyday like we committed a big crime :-(( . I have seen that in my parents for temporary visit.

 

An important question, interested to see if people have any solutions.

 

It is usually difficult for parents to adjust to life abroad. My parents cannot stay for more than 3 months without getting bored and running back. And this is considering that I usually take a lot of time off during their visit, to take them places. If they had to live long-term it would be very difficult.
My relatives lived in the US for about 10 years, to help raise their grandchildren. Once the kids were in school they opted to move back to a retirement home in India. The lifestyle was too isolating here. I have other elderly relatives in NYC. They are happier since they are able to take public transport, and have built up a social circle. But if parents have to live completely dependent on their kids, or in places without a sizeable Indian community it can be difficult.
Even with Indian TV, Skype, regular temple visits and bhajans, what my parents missed most was the constant casual interactions people have back home: relatives dropping in, their evening walks, going to the market and temple.

 

Hi OP,
No experience in this but if by trying to keep the same daily routine here also she may adjust here.


What she does in the morning hours in India? goes for a walk, does pooja, give those facilities.

Afternoon? any craft work, or related to religious stuff? meeting some friends? and some nap for her.

Evening? spending time with grand kids and you. watch TV of her interest.

What she likes most? she likes kids? then weekends some volunteer work places?
She likes religious stuff? then involve in temple activities in the weekend.

Likes to meet new people, find if your friends also have some parents on visit, and make them meet often.

If she likes to know new stuff / wants to research about her health issues, then internt is good thing. Giving a tablet like iPad, which is easy to operate and show all interesting stuff like camera, pencil art and some simple games etc.

If you have kids involve ur mom in their activities like craft work, she can help them.


was she living independently before? is she not able to adjust with your family living under the same roof? is she used to cook for herself with her own dietetic needs? then provide whatever independence you can provide.

But all works only if ur mother shows interest. If she wants you all the time, then do phone calls when u r away from here for 2- 3 hours.

And also take her to health check-ups and take doctor advice if you think she is depressed. May be she is missing ur dad badly.