SHE - Episode 4

Dear Sri Varalotti,

Thanks much for taking the review in your stride. I can understand that a novel is like a (brain)baby to the author and what critisism would mean. This only increases my admiration. I tried to use the same words the heroine used to described her life and in no way to cause any hurt. Here, I would like to re-iterate that I really like your writing and its style. I enjoyed the subtleties in this novel so far like the water-war, lime green kurti, lychee kulfi on a bed of fruits and Turkish coffee...

Looking forward to changing my opinion on Shalini and Shiva in the subsequent episodes - after all who wants to hate the heroine!!!

I like the concept of emotional bank account by Steven Covey, an inspirational speaker. It applies to all relationships. In a marital relationship, when the husband does something good like a compliment, appreciation or a tangible activity like filling gas, taking care of the kid while the wife is busy with another activity, etc., the account is deposited. And similarly, when he critises, ignores his responsibility, etc. the account is withdrawn. The same applies to the wife too. It is sad that both their emotional bank accounts are bankrupt so early in their relationship.

Dr. Laura is a very popular radio show host and a licensed marriage, family and child counselor. In her opinion, unless either of the spouse is a psychopath or narcissist, any marriage can be saved. Her theraphy is more of unconditional giving to start with - sounds like our great-grand mother's idea - right? I was impressed with her work when one of my friends who is hyper-critical of her husband started reading one of her books, which was smartly planted by her husband in her night-stand. She started looking at their relationship in a different light. She is now very busy planning a father's day gift for her husband, who according to her is a great dad - impressive ain't it? If you are more interested, I shall IM you more details about her work. And I really appreciate your idea of growing out of a relationship!!!

I shall try my best to give more FBs. Here, I will have to learn time-management from you. You are a busy professional, a writer( versatile topics including spiritual translations ), contributor to the forum and actively interact in not just your threads, but others as well( like the time to rise ). While, I always feel that with a young child and a full time job, I don't have much time for anything else . Ok, let me not hijack this thread any further...!

-Gayathri

 

Dear Sridhar,
This is in reply to Kamla & Vandana's comment.

"The worst possible thing one can do to save a marriage is to bring a child into it. I am talking from personal experience...."
I would also like to talk from my experience of 23 years of married life.
Children do make a lot of difference in our lives and relationships. But that is too easy to say and too difficult to live through.Yes, it may sound a bit old fashioned, stupid and foolish to to be " living together for the sake of the child"
But only in fairy tales do we see the end-"lived happily ever after".In real life it is always a struggle to balance relationships, whether it is husband, parents, siblings, friends or whatever.
I would say that after two children were born, our problems did not end. It became worse. More complications, more arguments,more frustration.... There were times when the thought of breaking the marriage or ending one's life seemed to be the best solution.Then again-"the thought of children" dicouraged me to take such stupid and hasty steps.Quite a lot of the women who go through this FB will think,"What an old-fashioned idea to continue a bitter relationship. Why should a woman be the only one to sacrifice her life and ambitions all the time".
To all those people, I would like to say,"Who wins or loses is not important.How we have played the game is what matters." If at the end of our life when all faculties are failing us we think back of our past and feel whatever we did was the best for all, then there is nothing wrong in sacrificing our little ambitions and egos. Today, me and my hubby are alone with children pursuing their goals.Now, after so many years of bitterness, we are able to understand each other and move forward in life for a better tomorrow. I have been able to take up my interests and hobbies which I was forced to give up during the early stages of my married life. Yes I may have lost my youth, my time and growth, but I have won as a human being, as a mother, AND AS A WOMAN.Now we are young in mind and heart though we may have aged physically. I have no regrets for all that happened in my life. To quote Sridhar-"Their sex-life was not non-existent. That was about the most positive comment on their marriage. Lacklustre , sepid, lukewarm, tasteless- there were many apt words to describe their love-life."
"It appeared to Shalini that they indulged in sex more to relieve themselves physically than as an act of passion or even love. Invariably, it would happen on Saturday nights." This becomes Past Tense in the Future.
One thing I will have to agree,"It is always the woman who has to prove herself".Like Seetha Devi, every woman has to take this 'Agni pariksha', for whatever reason, be it to prove her talents or any thing else. Ultimately the victory is for the Universe as a whole. The moment patience and forebearance are gone in women, it can be a foregone conclusion that destruction of humaity is not far away.And we can see that happening all around us.
To end my opinion,I would like to borrow Sridhar's words-“We can refuse to eat what we ordered first. But, that, my dear girl, costs money. So you can choose and then change your choice. But that change costs, in terms of stress, in terms of practical complications, in terms of waiting time."
“The second rule is that when you are trapped in relationships, be it with your husband, your father-in-law, your colleague, your friends, why even your Dad, remember that you cannot GO out of any relationship. You can only GROW out of it. I have seen my friends divorcing their nagging wives only to marry even more nagging women."
"Man, Woman and The Child" by Eric Segal is a very powerful novel on marriage and divorce. He has beautifully described the plight of the child in an unhappy marriage. You can divorce your spouse but not your child.

 

Re: Valarppom Thannambikkai Serial

Dear Sridhar,
Iread all your contributions to DinamalarVaaramalar.This week's contribution "Ennam Pol Vaazhvu would have been very useful to one and all readers of Vaaramalar.

 

Dear Sridhar Sir, Read all the 4 episodes. The story is going on very well. Good that the heroine chose not to have a child until she is psychologically fit. Normally what happens in most families is that the children are born even before the husband and wife understand each other and try to fulfil each other's expectations atleast to some extent. Then they have to put of with each other in the name of the children whether they like it or not. Then later on as the parents keep telling the children that they are tolerating each other just for the sake of the children the children are so fed up and even go the extent of hating their parents themselves unless otherwise they are matured enough to understand the parents' problems. Finally, in their old age the parents are left uncared for, ignored by their own children. since they donot have proper understanding among themselves they cannot put up with each other and they end up living like isolated islands. It is happening in many families. What I feel is both the man and the woman should tie the knot with an open mind. No one is perfect. Either of them should be prepared to accept the other with their flaws. Should not expect the spouse to be perfect. Try to forget and forgive other person's mistakes. Small give and take here and there will definitely make the marriage a successful one. Only if there is basic understanding between both the spouses, they will be in a position to give a better life for their children. Hope Shalu will also try to save her marriage to the possible extent by understanding the basic necessities of a successful marriage.

Awaiting your next episode, I remain,

Sujatha

 

Dear Sridhar sir,
I read all the 4 episodes of the story. It is going great. It is good that the heroine chose not to have a child until she is psychologically fit. Normally, what happens in our marriages is that the children are born even before the husband and wife understand each other well and know what the other person expects out of him/her. Then they try to put up with the other for the sake of children. They also keep telling the children that it is for their sake they are putting up with each other, which spoils the mental health of the children. They grow up into frustrated children and finally end up hating their own parents. They don’t have the maturity to look upon their parents problems sympathetically. Finally the couple are left uncared for by their own children. They cannot put up with each other and they end up as isolated islands. This is happening in many of the families in our country. Both men and women should be with an open mind when they tie the knot. They should understand the basic thing that no one is perfect or flawless. They should be ready to accept their spouses with their minus points. They should learn to forget and forgive each others mistakes and respect each others feelings. Noone is totally bad or totally good. Small give and take here and there will help in making the marriage successful. If they can develop this basic understanding then they can lead a successful life. Hope our heroine also tries her best to understand the basic things and will bring a turning point in her life. It is in her hands to make her husband also understand her feelings. I feel that they should try hand in hand to make their marriage work. In the first episode he was portrayed as a very understanding husband who respects his wife’s feelings (wasting the water). So I think he will also understand what is needed to save the marriage.

Awaiting next episode,

Sujatha