Sharing marital problems with opposite gender friends

Lol.. I so agree with you.. IL can be annoying at times. For me it really annoys when people dig through your previous posts only to win an argument. Intolerance towards other different opinions is annoying as well. But I guess it is all part and parcel of choosing to be on an online forum. So IL may not be the safest place to vent.

I prefer sharing my problem with my brother and Dad because they give me practical- easy to implement solutions. I had trouble getting my husband to do his share of chores at home and it was creating a lot of stress on me. My brother was able to give me a more practical solution to my problem. The same problem I had shared with my MIL and it was a huge disaster. Nothing against women, I am comfortable with women as they are good in providing emotional and moral support. Bottom line - I am gender neutral. What matters to me is the integrity and values of the person. I really don't care if that person is a male,female, transgender. It is very important for a person to have the right values and moral fibre.

 

A female asking the above mentioned thing to her male friend may be a very simple situation. But a male asking the same with his female friend may lead to devastation.

There were 2 good friends, one man another woman, good colleagues for about five years, in our Organization. From outside, they used to mingle limitedly and decently, no one ever doubted the genuineness of their friendship. It was one of a friendship with mutual respect and purely platonic. That was sure. They both had to sit in the same lobby for about five hours a day, in the course of their work. That was the basis of their friendship.

One day, we were all shocked to hear that the woman has lodged a 'sexual harrassment' case against him to the Boss. The entire Organisation was interested to know what was the content of the complaint.

It was something similar to what you have written above, the man asked his female friend, xxxxxx.....xxxxx....xxxx. Her resentment was, "how dare he can ask such a question to me. Do I sound like such a cheap woman, to him, that he can talk something about bedroom life with me ?".

The enquiry committee held 4 sittings of enquiry. He did not even ask a frontal or direct question to her, like, "how often do you initiate xxx with your man". This was also proved in the Enquiry. But, this gentleman was punished with a transfer and de-promotion in his pay scale to two levels

 

Just from my experience:

1) Best is not to share marital problems with ANYONE. I used to always wonder watching these old black-and-white movies where the "women suffer alone" to protect family name and honor. I never found sense in it. Now I do, I do not think they were protecting family honor, they were protecting themselves. I have seen everyone from family through friends through counselors take advantage of knowing one's marital problems. The only time this would not apply is in case of domestic violence and severe abuse in which case the more people know the safer you are.

2) Also, my experience, while I do not mean to be discriminatory, the only time I found companionship of men useful is they tend to be more focused, prioritize, and be more objective so during weak and helpless moments they do not tend to get weak and helpless and offer a shoulder to cry, they support in a very focused and objective manner which can be a blessing because when you are confused and depressed you need someone like that who can push you right back on track.

During my lowest lows, I have depended on EVERYONE - men, women, family, counselors - and while I learnt some lessons from it - good and bad, the thing that sticks to me today - is ALL of those lessons were in some way useful to me. And while I have bad memories of those who hurt me, it is the good people that remain with me today.

Aamrapali

 

I tend to agree with you to some extent that if one spouse is not ok with the friend then the person needs to stop the friendship. Again it is not really black and white here. For example - If wife is not ok with husband's mother then should the husband cut off all contacts with his mother? Is it fair for such an expectation. If a wife is not ok with husband even interacting with his female colleagues (work related) then should the husband simply quit his job and look for one where there are no woman. I think one can please one's spouse only to an extent. One need not put all their friendships, hobbies, aspirations on the back burner only to keep the spouse happy.

I really don't know how much of the idealism you talk about exists in reality -- As in how much the spouses in real life are so perfectly able to understand each other and resolve all the problems by themselves. Recently I read that marital counseling is a thriving profession and there are increasing number of people turning to counselors to resolve marital differences.

To begin with I don't think being broad minded implies fewer marital problems.

Examples of issues - One spouse is ok to lie while lies create lot of stress on the other spouse. One spouse is lazy while other spouse is doing all the work at home. One spouse is spend thrift and the other spouse is stingy. One spouse wants 2 children while the other spouse wants no children at all. One spouse is an extrovert and likes to have a 1000 friends while the other spouse is an introvert and likes to spend time alone. One spouse likes to listen to blasting music while other spouse likes quietness at home and likes to spend time reading books. One spouse tends to hold on to past problems until resolved while the other spouse wants to live the current moment and push aside the problems till it aggravates. One spouse likes a clean tidy home while the other spouse is tolerant towards dirty home. One spouse is thrilled by flashy luxurious lifestyle while the other spouse likes simple lifestyle. One spouse likes to talk about a problem and other spouse likes to ignore a problem.

All these example problems have to potential to create marital problems, resentments, arguments, fights and tension at home. Being broad minded will not resolve the problem but requires more practical - implementable problem solving skills to resolve the problem. If either spouse lacks the problem solving ability, there should be no restrictions to get outside help (typically friends, siblings, cousins, online forums like IL - who ever one is comfortable sharing the problem with) before blowing off a fortune on counselors, therapists and psychiatrists.

 

Riya, all the scenarios you pose as examples (dishonest/honest, extrovert/introvert) are, to me, serious signs of incompatibility. You don't need to live with someone before marriage to notice these red flags. So, I'm not sure I would agree that issues of this magnitude would typically crop up in marriages commonly, unless the people in question did not get a chance to know each other well before marriage.

The problem I have with this is one of hypocrisy. On the one hand, we don't like it (well, I certainly hate it - I suppose I can't speak for everyone) if anyone pokes their nose into our personal business. On the other hand, we are inviting this kind of intrusions if we open the can of worms ourselves. Even if our confidante is 100% trustworthy, like I said in the other thread, putting this negative energy/private information out into the world is inherently risky.

It seems to me that there is already too much gossiping and minding each other's business going on a lot of families/extended friends' circles, judging by the posts I read on IL. Are we somehow inviting this upon ourselves by not respecting the boundaries and privacy of OUR own relationships? Do we need to have the counsel of other people to solve our own domestic problems?

In this context, I would agree with Rihana's very interesting theory that a relationship that is, at foundation, on solid ground, would not need the informal therapy of friends and relatives. Once this tap is turned on, how do we turn it off?

For me, then, spending a little money on therapy, and as opposed to the free kind, would be worth it. I would happily pay for the preservation of my family's privacy, and advice that is well-intentioned, without bias, and the result of specialized training/qualifications.

 

Americans have long courtship period before getting married. America has a divorce rate of around 50%. So how come all the divorcees are not able to foresee any kind of red flags before marriage?

Problems can creep up anytime irrespective of how long you have known a person.

I really do not think there is any kind of hypocrisy here. Invited interference is one thing and uninvited interference is another thing.

Going by your principles I am assuming that next time a 'Man' posts his marital problems on IndusLadies, women ( you and people who believe in your school of thought) would refrain from replying to him as there could be chances of developing an online affair and/or hurting the sentiments of your spouses.

I would prefer sharing with a friend with whom I trust 100% rather than a counselor. I believe in a friend because I know from my friend's past actions, behavior that my friend has best interests of me and my family. I won't be so easily be able to trust a counselor because I dont know the counselor too well, am not sure whether the counselor has my best interests in heart or the counselor is sitting there to churn out returns for the investment he has put in getting a degree in psychology or counselor may be sitting there to bull**** some concepts and draw enough money from patients to expand his office space/get more wealthier.

Why would anyone go take their marital problems to a person who is judgemental and likes to gossip and lacks integrity. I definetely would not go to such a person even if that person is of the same gender

Incase you missed my lines below in post #41.

Bottom line - I am gender neutral. What matters to me is the integrity and values of the person. I really don't care if that person is a male,[COLOR=#009900 !important]female[/COLOR], transgender. It is very important for a person to have the right values and moral fibre.

 

Yea.. I get your point. Speaking in the context of the original question (gender related) - I don't think it becomes less of a disloyalty if the marital problem is shared with the same gender.

Yes I get what you are saying but my approach is more sort of - Heck I have a problem and I need to resolve it using my brain or get the help of a better brain to resolve it. I really don't care about the sentiments of the person (in this spouse) causing trouble to me.

Also, if one were to go by your definition this whole forum in indusladies -married life should be closed down because many women post their marital problems. It is not right to have marital problems posted online without the knowledge of the other spouse. I dont think indusladies does anything to ensure the other spouse is notified of their marital problems posted on indusladies. Why other IL members even encourage the disloyalty by answering to those marital problems. Obviously, the spouse who is being complained upon wont be too happy reading those complains on an IL forum and other IL members bashing that spouse. It is really not too much of effort to trace down the online IL identity to the real person posting the marital problem.

Everything in this world can't be so ideal. I never thought from disloyalty angle when I saw posts on MP in IL or a friend approached me with a MP. It is more like 'there is a problem at hand' and we need to find a proper solution to it..

btw.. Happy New Year..