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Sharing marital problems with opposite gender friends

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rihana, Dec 30, 2013.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I agree. Spouse should be the first source of solution, empathy and advice as often as possible. The question in this thread is about marital problems. If a person wants to share the marital problem with someone other than spouse, then, does the gender of that outside person matter.
     
  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    That option is always there, but thread is to read opinions on sharing it with friend of opposite gender.
     
  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    If a husband and wife are facing a problem like not agreeing on "how often to be intimate" or not satisfied with the quality of sex, would it be OK for the man to share it with a female friend? Or is it better he talks about it with a male friend over drinks? Would it be OK for the woman to share it with a male friend or is it better she talks about it with a female friend?

    Doesn't marriage change some things? Say, a woman has a friend (guy) who has always brought her a single pale yellow rose on her birthday and is the first to come and wish her. After she gets married, can husband ask for that privilege? To be the first to wish her? Should husband be OK with the guy riding miles on his bike and coming over early in the morning with a pale yellow rose on the birthday?

    What does marrying a person mean? What rights and privileges does spouse get that others don't get or get less of? Other than sex, that is.
     
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  4. coolwinds

    coolwinds Platinum IL'ite

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    i think the main threat is vulnerability that comes with being in a tough situation as also recognizing the insecurity that arises in your partner who might view that vulnerability as a loophole in the friendship.
     
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  5. sweetypi

    sweetypi Platinum IL'ite

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    In theory, as Riya said, the more pragmatic person is better qualified to solve a problem, irrespective of gender.
    But there are practical difficulties as far as sharing marital problems is concerned.
    1. If all the confidences come with a rider that the spouse of the listener should not come to know of it, to safeguard the public image of the spouse being complained about, then atleast one spouse is going to be terribly upset about it
    2. The other person's marital woes begin to affect one's family life, with the spouse of the Agony Aunt or Uncle being unhappy about the time and energy invested in the complainer
    3. If the other person expects favours because he/she is depressed/distressed
    4. If the one 'helping' tries to take undue advantage of the person he/she is helping
    5. Emotional affairs which are as damaging as a full-blown EMA but more difficult to prove, and the innocent spouse gets labelled as paranoid and nagging
     
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2013
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  6. suasin

    suasin Gold IL'ite

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    I feel discussing about inlaws are better with same gender friends.. Financial problems could be with someone who is practical. Intimacy issues is a strict no with opposite gender. Depending on the seriousness, same gender friends or your doctor..

    I feel you love some people, and you love some 'more'. You prefer to marry the one you love more:) so yes, you handover previleges to your husband.
    He is my first choice as company, I excuse him for his temper/forgetfulness, to some extent, he has a say in my choice of clothes.. These are a few previleges I give him.
     
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  7. Akanksha1982

    Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

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    Personally, i wouldn't share such things with even female friends forget about any male friends. I believe there are certain things that should stay between husband and wife and in some cases the doctor.

    Anyway, never thought from this point of view and totally agree with you. i was thinking more of the normal whining and normal husband/IL issues.

     
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  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Nice definition. I am going to borrow that some time. :)
     
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  9. Ansuya

    Ansuya Platinum IL'ite

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    Not the first time I've been called idealistic, and I'm guessing it won't be the last, but here goes... I believe in marrying your best friend, not marrying someone and hoping he/she turns into your best friend. A life partner should be the primary human being you turn to in times of trouble. Ideally, this relationship should be established well before marriage (it was the main reason I decided to marry my husband), or at the very least, within the first year. Besides, intimacy means more than just touching with no clothes on (sorry to be crass, but it seems to me that this distinction is often missed). Intimacy means deep and meaningful connection on many levels.

    The best person to counsel one on relationship issues is a health professional. The second best person is someone who is a close, trusted friend (preferably of the same sex), who is preferably not close to the spouse, too. I think it is wrong to share intimate knowledge/secrets/problems about marriage with a third person who cannot possibly be impartial or neutral. It is an invasion of the other spouse's privacy that his or her marriage-related "dirty laundry" is aired to a third party.

    Women often feel like they are "innocently venting" to third parties, but I believe that putting this negative energy out into the world has real-life repercussions for both spouses and the marriage. Spouses should be able to solve their problems with each other - this is the point of caring for someone so deeply that you want to marry them. If the spouse is the problem, then they should still be able to turn to each other. For me, turning to a third party means communication and intimacy is suffering to such an extent that a third party option is the only one available. Again, a health professional is the safest and most effective "helper" here.

    The other issue that is pertinent here for me is a cultural one. In more traditional cultures, romantic relationships before marriage are not exactly encouraged. Yet, it is a very real fact of human biology that we will be attracted to members of the opposite sex (or same sex) prior to marriage. I've noticed that many of my friends from traditional cultures have unnaturally close relationships with people of the opposite sex, yet insist they are "just friends". In psychology, this is called sublimation - a socially unacceptable impulse (sexual feelings) is converted into a more palatable form (just friendship), but it is a temporary measure and nothing more than a defence mechanism. In other words, you're just trying to trick your own mind to escape responsibility for breaking "the rules".

    I have often come to the conclusion that these people are in denial about their true romantic feelings, and just use the "friendship" label as a way to fool others, and even themselves. If these "friendships" eventually turn into romantic relationships, then all well and good. But if these "friendships" persist even as the participants go on to marry other people, and these marriages don't even come close to replicating the intimacy and connection felt in the original "friendships", then this is a problem.

    I strongly agree with others here who have maintained that pre-marriage opposite-gender friendships necessarily change in character and tone when the friends marry other people. Marriage does, and should, change a lot of things. My friendship with my best female friend (a friendship that has lasted 23 years) changed when I got married. We're still best friends, but age, distance, and other people and things have not allowed us to be as intimate as we were when we were 15 years old.

    Even though she is female, it would not be fair to my husband, daughter, and home if I spent hours every day chatting to her about EVERYTHING in my life. Plus, she knows and likes my husband and spends time with us as a family. It is not fair to him that she should be privy to personal family matters, no matter how much she and I have shared in the past. This does not mean that I do not like or respect my best friend, but it means I like and respect my husband and marriage enough not to allow anyone the kind of access only my husband and I should have.

    Imagine, then, how annoying and ethically questionable it would be if I regularly "ditched" my family for a male friend. Any way I look at it, this is unacceptable to me. Maybe others have more relaxed standards for this sort of thing. I do not consider myself a prude, and I believe in premarital romantic relationships. I don't care for the external trappings of marriage (the vows in a language/rituals I don't understand, wearing rings or other marriage jewellery, having a grand wedding, anniversaries, etc.) but I do believe in doing what is right and good for my marriage every day.

    Yesterday, a friend told me she practically dozes off while trying to read my ridiculously long posts here on IL. Congratulations and a cinnamon bun (it's a day old, but it has frosting) to anyone who has made it this far.
     
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  10. aashuabhi

    aashuabhi Gold IL'ite

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    Haha Ansuya. I read first three paragraphs but then got scared as saw the length of post and read only last paragraph to get the crux of your post but got a cinnamon bun instead. I think i can go back and read your post again COMPLETELY surrendersmiley
     
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