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Sharing Email, Phone, bank accounts

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by nivitha, Mar 10, 2009.

  1. nivitha

    nivitha New IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I would like to know from many of you, if you and ur DH share your emails, and password to access the same, cell phones and bank accounts across each other. Do you all have a common bank account?
    Should we expect all this from DH?

    I feel that should be there with each other, where either of us can login and get to know the information. This is a sense of commitment, transparency and dedication which we have on each other and the respect we give to the word of marriage and bond right??? I strongly feel its a secured feeling which we get in life.

    My DH is really not interested in anyof these. Whenever I ask him about it, he would say oh I have told u, have I not? and its a fact that he hasnt shared any with me so far. I really dont know how much pay is getting credited in his account every month. Without knowing all this, how do they expect their wives alone to run a family.

    is this expectation something to be stopped at?

    Thanks
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2009
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  2. Ansuya

    Ansuya Platinum IL'ite

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    Nivitha

    I hear what you're saying in these lines:

    While I agree with you, I'm sure the actual circumstances of each marriage and the personalities of different husbands and wives would determine how much information is shared. I can understand your feeling that you would like your husband to be more forthcoming with you about finances and things like that, even though it seems he has some different ideas. Maybe you should ask him directly why he is reluctant to open up with you about these matters. After all, as you point out, it is hard to run a house when you only have partial access to the necessary information.

    To answer your first question, though, here is what my husband and I do. We share all the information you listed (passwords, emails, cellphones, bank account balances, etc.). Both our names are on every relevant legal document or financial holding (lease, car title, credit card, bank accounts, insurance policy, etc.).

    For us, it's just easier this way. Since I am in the US on an H4 visa, I've been able to devote a lot of time and energy to overseeing all the paperwork that it takes for day-to-day living. This would not be possible if I did not have access to the information it takes to do this. For example, I cannot file our tax return if I do not have access to his salary details. It would also be impossible for me to create and maintain a household budget if I did not know everything about our financial status.

    This may not work for everyone, but it works well for us. I check with him before making major decisions, but otherwise, I try to handle things on my own so he doesn't have to worry about the minutiae of day-to-day living. I have made it my "job" (since I don't work outside the home) to take care of these affairs. This wouldn't be possible if he didn't trust me with all the information. We discussed these issues in detail before we got married, and re-assess our decisions in this regard periodically as our circumstances change.

    Some people may prefer to preserve their privacy, or have separate as well as joint bank accounts. Like I said, it depends on the individual. But if you feel that what your husband is doing is impairing your ability to function effectively, or is making you question the trust and respect aspects of your marriage, you really should talk to him about it. You have a right to have your concerns heard, and a right to ask your husband to put more trust in you. Just make sure you explain your reasons without going on the offensive, and respect his (and your) right to privacy in what you ask of him.
     
  3. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    My hubby really wants nothing to do with our finances. So I take care of it. In fact I opened a short term savings account and asked him to come along to the bank with me to put his name on it, but he was least bothered and told me to put just my name. He has a credit card, I do too, and we share a checking account. His paycheck goes directly into the checking account. We try to keep it simple!

    As for passwords, his "top secret" password for email and phone is... my name. :rotfl
    He knows my passwords too. Funny thing is neither of us is interested to look in the others accounts. Half the mail in there is from me to him or vice versa. Boring stuff. :coffee

    I guess the real question is, what is concerning you about his email and phone? Are you having questions where the answer might come from looking through phone records and emails? If you are wanting to look for curiosity's sake, I would let this issue go and not trouble your dh about it. But if you have suspicion about infidelity, large amounts of money going to inlaws, then you should ask him up front what is going on instead of trying to hunt through his things. I agree with you that you should know how much he is earning per month. Definitely he'd be knowing how much you spend per month, right? So it's only fair he be open and honest with you. Especially if you are running the finances. You've already gotten his answer that he won't share the salary details, but I think most importantly is for you to find out WHY NOT.

    Good luck! :thumbsup
     
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2009
  4. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    Having common accounts is not the only thing necessary in a marriage to show transparency and commitment unless there has been a doubt of insecurity or covering up things as ASG said.. It is just a perspective from ones own condition.

    It is definitely no hard rule in marriage.. Since they are two different individuals and may not share the same thought process.
    For me and my man.. we have a common account since the time we were dating ( saving mone for the future you see !! :biggrin2: ) and thanx to it.. the otherwise introvert hubby of mine would have struggled to talk about me to his mommy !! The bank acc details landed straight in his house since I was just doing my internship then. I know his passwords for all emails, accs etc.. But I have no use off them.. bonkHe takes care of all the budgeting in my house simply because I am spend thrift and he is careful at it ! So, just because I am the one who is going to grocery, I didnt take up the whole idea of plannin our budget.. because I am miserable at that ! :hide:
    I rather do things which I can handle than take up new responsibilites. He tried his best to ' make ' me do it... But then understood that I was uncomfortable. :spin
    He doesnt know any of my email passwords except for ILs and hasnt bothered to ask me till now just like how I didnt feel it necessary to tell .. I havent asked him his passwords but he has asked me to check his mails many times and so I know it. However, not so hard to remember my name isnt ?? :)

    So unless you feel you are missing something and there is a threat to your relationship sharing of all such passwords and accounts must be not so important ... It is something more to all that !!

    BUT, it is definitely good enough to know the spouse's salary and investments.. Why ? Maybe atleast to know how much you can spend and to know how rich you are going to get when you old !! ( That was on a lighter note .. :biggrin2: )
     
  5. peaches n cream

    peaches n cream New IL'ite

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    Me and mu dh share everything together our names are together on our bank account and cheque book in that way if one of us is busy we dont have to wait on each other,every week who ever feels too would count the cash but then we llsit and talk about our finances and what needs to be done and what not,as for email we both share the same e mail:cheers.I n other words everthing is ours not mine ,not yours.
     
  6. rosequeen

    rosequeen Senior IL'ite

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    Ladies,
    It may be wise to maintain his account/her account and our account. If both parties are working then clarity in finances is very helpful if things go bad in the marriage. Check out the thread where we had discussed 'community property' and division of assets. The laws relating to division of assets during divorce are usually not fair as they try for simple formula like 50:50 split of bank account and debts even though one party might earn all the money.
    Also combined account, separate bank account is immaterial, legally all income/debts earned/incurred by either party during marriage is considered joint. This usually leads to severe fights during divorce, if one party has made lot of money due to his/her individual efforts/savings and the other party has simply wasted money.
    Therefore most educated people are opting for mutual agreement to split property and if you have separate accounts it is very clear as to what belongs to whom.
     
  7. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    Nivitha,
    Yes we are aware of each other's personal emails and pwds etc. We never shared our official emails/pwds etc. If there are personal mails we receive in those ids we just forward it to each other. We don't share cell phones, most often those were official as well.
    Bank a/c's are simple. We are aware of each other's id/pwd and DH used to do the investing. Now, I'm taking over since I'm staying home. We do have each other added to our a/cs but we still maintained two a/cs. I did it because I wanted to ensure we could live with one income in the event that I stopped working, so I wanted to consider my income as a bonus that would stop anytime.

    Regarding your situation, yes it is important to know your finances so you can make informed decisions at home. It is always nice to have access to each other's account/pwd. In case of an emergency, its better to have the access. Have you shared your a/c information with him and is he still not sharing his with you? Like Ansuya stated, it is always better that you talk to him about the finances. It's always better to stay involved in finances even though you are not actually doing the investing.

    Sharing emails and passwords are personal preference I guess. Some people still prefer to keep their emails private. I've seen a lot of couple do that. If it bothers you, you can bring it up but in my opinion knowing the finances should be the first step.

    L
     
  8. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    Nivitha,

    How long have you been married? Is this an arranged marriage or a love marriage? How long have you actually known him? Are you employed yourself?

    I ask, because in an arranged marriage, it *usually* takes time and familiarity for a couple to freely share financial information with each other. This time frame, naturally, varies from couple to couple. HOWEVER, regardless of how long it takes, it will eventually happen. As hard as it seems, you just need to be patient and confident that eventually he will come around and give you full and free access to his financial info.

    There are a few ways to get your husband talking, though.

    If you are employed, you can get the ball rolling by sharing your own financial info freely with him or even opening a new joint account with him. This should be enough motivation for him to meet you half-way and return your favor by adding you as a joint owner to at least one of his many accounts, even if not on all.

    If you are not employed, then an excellent starting point to launch your discussion would be either the design, or the revisiting, of your family budget. As the wife (and home manager), you can ask to get a budget in place or revisit the existing one with him, to get a good bird's eye view of your finances -- how much is coming in, how much is going out and where, and what your savings are. Tell him that if you are to be a good family manager, you need to know approximately what comes in, how much of this leaves, and where you can cut corners to bolster savings in these tough times. The idea of saving some greenbacks might be motivation enough for him to come out with the 'meat-and-potatoes' of your budget, even if he does not whittle down the details to the last cent.

    Take a more active interest in managing paperwork -- including legal work and communication with the business and government entities that you regularly deal with (banks, credit card companies, insurance companies, brokerages, the IRS, hospitals, phone companies, etc etc etc). If you are a housewife, taking over the paperwork will be a HUGE relief for your husband -- he can then focus on just generating an income -- while you can spend your time actually managing your family's finances. Not only will you free your husband of the need to keep on top of the paperwork but also you will learn A LOT about how businesses work and what you can do to maximize your family's financial output and get the biggest bang for your buck. You will eventually become an expert family money manager and an asset to your husband, even if you do not actually generate an income! Naturally, as I said above, this will take some time but be patient as this WILL happen eventually.

    Finally, a word to the wise: One MAIN reason that some husbands are reluctant to share financial info with their wives is that they are afraid that their wives may protest the husbands' financial support of their parents back home. This is a genuine cause for concern for them. As a son, it is the husband's duty to make sure that his parents have a roof over their heads, food on the table, and clothes on their back, just as it is the wife's duty, as a daughter, to ensure that her own parents are also 'taken care of' in their old age. So, assure him that you are supportive of his support of his parents, and that your intention in wanting to know about his financial affairs is not to curb or create issues regarding that support (assuming that it is within reasonable limits, of course, but this is not a battle you should choose to pick now).

    Good luck!
     
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2009
  9. advitha

    advitha Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Nivitha,

    When we got married 8 years ago, I used to be pestering my DH to reveal all the email a/c info, passwords, bank a/c info etc thinking that it's a bonding thing. But over the time when your married life becomes more and more matured there are other things that you worry a lot about rather than these. But no matter what as your life goes in the right direction things will fall into its place.

    Now we know each other's a/cs. He access my email during the needed times. I do the same. We have separate checking a/cs for our direct deposits but we also have a common a/c for home expenditures. Me and my daughter are his beneficiary and he and my little one are my beneficiary. Above all we trust each other and that's all is needed in your married life. Get the trust from your husband that you are his everything, then emails and passwords will not be a matter to him at all. I hope I make some sense here. This is from my personal experience.

    -Uma
     
  10. arthidiva

    arthidiva Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Nivitha,

    Me and my DH share all passwords for emails, phone, internet banking, ATMs, etc (except official mails) from when we started dating.. Infact I handle his internet banking completely so I know what is deposited, what is spent, etc till date, he doesnt like to handle that part.. Most times, I need to remind him his passwords bonk.

    First of all, it is not enough if you feel that there should be transperancy in these things, it is your DH who has to cooperate with you, otherwise this will also become a point to quarrel which I know is not your intention.Rant

    More than sharing emails and phone, it is very important to share the financial transactions because you need to know all that he knows on that front. He should be made to believe that it is a good practise to share such important things with his wife. If you think, yoou can talk him through this, then you can handle it with a little care by not showing too much interest but just mention that it would be good if such things are shared because you are going to live a whole life together and there is no need to keep you unaware of his finances. Also, do NOT show any desperation while talking on this.:spin

    Show some signs in your day-day activities that just because you dont know anything about his money, you dont know how to handle your home expenditure or use it in whatever situation you feel right.

    Hope this helps a little.:hiya
     

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