Set your priorities straight......Just don't blame someone.

hi kitty!
yes, you are a very lucky person,,you could accomplish what many ladies could not,and I feel this was possible because your husband was ready for a change, but all men are not like this. :rant
you know what,, some men very well know that their wife is not treated properly by his family members, but just keep quiet. this is mostly because they do not want to hurt their parents,,,afterall they have brought him up, and made him to be the man he is now......:idea
they never understand, in todays world even women are brought up in the same way and so she too has a right to live happily. what matters to them is happiness of his parents,sisters,,etc etc etc and not his wife,,afterall he knows her only after marriage you see,,but his family:crazy
this situation would change only if the attitude of men could be changed,,,,and this is not always possible:
its good that you have got a person who thinks maybe we have entered a new era of women liberation and changing world,,and so your priority fixation theorem worked.
not all are this lucky

 

Hi Maggi.. u back... whats on ur baby news.. B or G.. how ru coping with your ILs now?

Kitty I also have my priorities set.. and hence able to still live a married life.. but yes to keep it going you need a very very supportive DH and inlaws at a distance.. and not all ladies are in that setup or frame of mind.

I also feel that this should have been an explanation to your success but not a generic rule applicable to womenfolk.. we need to respect each lady & her situation. If all start setting priorities am sure judges will have to sit for extra hours... some are really not that lucky to set even one priority for themselves... and then their priority becomes to part ways.

 

I don't think there are ANY generic rules we can apply to all womenfolk for exactly the reason you said - each woman has a unique situation. And I don't think that Kitty has said in any of her posts that she was laying down a mandate or prescribing to all of us how to live our lives.

What she is saying (from my interpretation), is to consider that maybe WE put too much of the power to run our own lives in the hands of husbands and in-laws. Instead, we may benefit more from realising early on our own capacity to direct our lives, and asserting ourselves to get what we want, which hopefully is to the benefit of the entire family, not just ourselves.

I don't know why this idea is so unpalatable, or is meeting with so much resistance.

 

Ansuya

It might be vice versa also isnt it??? why is it so unpalatable to accept the idea that might be the woman worked her best to fix things and might be she is giving it moer time or waiting for the right time to get things done her way or put her point across. (always being blunt or frank wont work)

I conveyed this before also, we all assume that woman dont try their best to lay down rules or work on setting priorities straight and just blame!!! but am sure they do try their best (ofcourse there are always exceptions on people who crib and crib without taking any action) to work and fix things..however all we say is ok you tried it didnt work out, so walk out...but walking out if their trials fail is not a good solution always (unless its an abusive relationship) some times giving in a bit and waiting with patience also works wonders. We have seen such success stories too

So lets not think there is one sure short solution or sure shot approach to fix marital issues. (just like you have said..)

I too appreciate OPs success story , but just because she was successful in fixing her problems till now, doesnt mean that all others are not trying or that allother want to play the blame game.

By the way marriage is a two way streeet we always have to remember that. Whatever husband/wife do..we need both hands to be successful. We cant just get something done and say its all because of ME. (then its not marriage at all) in marriage we talk about WE not Me.

Think about the same lady, where she had put across her points, set priorities but everytime she is being snubbed down, pointed at, given tough time, her every word and action has been totally cut out ...what she would do..either put up with it to give more time, find out ways to make her husband look at her point or QUIT the marriage. (Quitting marriage is not a piece of cake where you just pick it and go...that too takes lot of time and work and analysis)

So how it would be OPs success story? unless her husband also accepted and saw her point and supported her??? so its THEIR success story.

Not all husbands would support and understand the wife like OPs (specially in arranged marriages where there was no initial dating period ) We have to keep several factors in picture when we talk about woman empowerment. It wont come in a day or with one post or with one qeustion. It would come over time, with experience and after several trial and errors.

 

Kitty

This is what I was referring to...it does take lot of effort to change the habit of a grown up man...time taken to acheive this change might be less for some....and more for some!!! thats what we are suggesting you to accept!

Your thread title is quite diverting!!!it sounds as if DILs just blame inlaws for everythingand that DILs dont have their own priorities set right and that the DILs themselves are lost souls:hide: (which is not true!!!) thats what we want you to consider.

Again hats off to you for your patience and acheivement. Hope every woman is able to make it success in bringing that much needed change one day!!

 

Why do you think that woman here are blaming inlaws???...if thats your point of view..my view is I guess they are trying to vent off and might be sometimes writing whats in our mind will give clarity on what is the real problem...Sometimes telling people what we are going through and having a 3rd person see the situation from a different angle gives a fresh and clear picture...why not think this is what woman are doing here...instead of thinking and treating as if they are blaming inlaws

Also as I said earlier...empowerment wont come in a day/night or by forcing and pushing/pursuading.Each individuals patience and tolerance levels are different. You might walk out of the marriage, at a drop of a hat..but may be some woman wont! so if you think they are choosing to lead a subjugated life instead of quitting...it may not be right!!! Everyone has to go through and learn their own learnings from their own trial and errors and experiences. you cant stay follow step 1, 2 and 3 and your issues would get fixed...for some there might be more steps to follow, for some there might be a down time or hibernation that has to happen..but eventually am sure everyone wants to be there...empowered...So lets give other woman also the time to have their own learnings and reach that empowered stage rather than saying they are blaming and reasoning their inability to take action. Its not inability...sometimes no action also resolves lot of issues.

 

Most people here are seeing this as OP saying that 'my way or highway' is the best policy. I don't think so. She is asking women to be more assertive of their rights.
So many times we say oh! I could have been like that but my inlaws will not agree but my dh will not grant me that right. We give up way too fast. We become defensive of our actions. Even to some extent I am like that.
Setting priorities means being assertive. But OP if only most of us knew our priorities. We live mostly for others than for ourselves and our happiness. Yes, we put power in the hands of others to run our lives and that is why this fate of ours.
Isn't it easy to put the blame on inlaws than take responsibility and action.....ha! ha!. I do that sometimes.

 

Sangeeta, I think you have added a valuable insight into your own behaviour to this discussion in the words above. Thank you for your honesty. It is often hard to admit such things, and easier to shoot the messenger who points it out.

I also wanted to point out that the very definition of "being assertive" (for me, anyway) does not incorporate in-laws agreeing or husband granting the wife certain rights. To be assertive means not to let others dictate your own limits of personal space, freedom, and autonomy. Here is the dictionary definition, just so we're clear:

1. confident and direct in claiming one's rights or putting forward one's views (assertive - definition of assertive by the Free Online Dictionary, Thesaurus and Encyclopedia.)

I don't see Kitty saying anywhere that she insulted her husband, or threatened him with divorce, to get her point across. Instead, she has explained very nicely how she got him to see her point with reason, logic, and real-life examples. He then chose to start investing more in his marital relationship, and relying less on his father to direct every action in his life.

I also agree that not all husbands and in-laws will put up with an assertive wife, but that is not the point here (since we have agreed that Kitty is not prescribing a blanket "rule" for everyone). On a side note, perhaps this should be something women should try to find out about their prospective husbands/in-laws before they get married.

Kitty is not telling us how to control our in-laws or husbands; she is telling us how to modify our own behaviour and mindset in order to get what we want.

Here is something else that might prove useful:

Improving Assertive Behavior | LIVESTRONG.COM

The first part of the article, "What is Assertive Behaviour?" is particularly important in the context of this discussion we're having. I still feel Kitty's core message is being dismissed without full understanding. Hopefully, this article will shed more light on what truly assertive behaviour is - and it is not manipulating, nagging, controlling, bullying, insulting, threatening divorce or taking advantage of anyone else.

The other part of this article that is particularly important for us here on IL is the section, "Six Myths That Encourage Non-Assertive Behaviour". Look at Myth 4 (Obligation) and Myth 5 (Gender Role) - it seems crystal-clear to me that this sort of thinking is at the root of many of the problems we read about here, or face.