Set your priorities straight......Just don't blame someone.

Kitty,

I am blessed with a spineless husband like yours. We have been married for just one year though.

He used to rushes to his dad for whatever the issues or advises, though he knows very well that his dad is useless.
At the same time, he simply nods his head for whatever his dad demands.. No matter how he dislike his plans.

It was much difficult for me to deal with my DH when I was working abroad. Because his parents used my absense to teach him so many nasty stuff which could irritate me. This has badly affected our relationship.

So, I have made a firm decision to quit my job and move back to India to start living with my DH. I have taken so many brave decisions on my own from quiting job to set up a home for us. I have done everything single handedly by bearing all the negative comments from my FIL.

My DH neither supported me nor rejected my decisions. He feared his parents might get hurt, but I proved him that my acts are not against his parents, but for the betterment of our future.

The only good thing is, my spineless husband now nods his head as per my advice

We are now very happy....

Off note:- I wonder why some men become spineless after marriage, though they are well educated and earning good. They simply cannot make a decision on their own, rather they always think what others will think.

I have clearly told my husband that I am ready to follow him blindly if he is ready to make clear decisions without any influence from his parents. If he is not on his own, then how can he expect me to follow him???? I am not married to his dad....but him.

 

I don't understand... so what if a woman is financially dependent?? Some MILs too are housewives and are financially dependent but still they run the show. I don't think a woman's financial independence is a mandatory factor to speak up or stand up for herself.

Agreed that not every woman can say she will call it quits for various reasons. But women can atleast talk to their husbands.. right? I see some posts on this forum with OP saying 'i have been married for so many years and i have this problem, how do i tell my DH' or 'should i talk to my DH about this' etc. Why are women hesitating to talk to their DHs openly?

Maybe because DHs don't talk or react in a matured way,... but women turning a blind eye, in the name of giving DH some space, only aggravates the problem. Isn't solving the problem by talking to the DH on the spot, even if it means engaging in an argument, much healthier in the long run... instead of giving the DH a year or two, hoping that some day he himself will understand??

 

Kitty
I think a lot of women lack the courage and openess that you have, probably due to their conditioning, while growing up, or simply because of what they are exposed to. They hesitate to question or take action unless they are explictly told to do so, just cos thats the way they have been brought up. I am not generalizing here, and there would be exceptions.
In that case, a forum like this helps them to vent..and I think that IS the purpose of a forum like this. Advice given by people who have undergone similar problems, or just simply who empathises and listens to them, and gives them some advice.
If everything was cut and dry, and if everyone were dealing with their own problems, then we wouldn't need Indusladies now would we? Advice received helps to channelise, focus and re-prioritize their lives...JMO

 

kitty123,

I would classify issues as 3 types; say as low, medium and high.
High-end issues there is no other way basically stand up against the abuse.
For low-end cases, suppose if our mother says something we don't try to repeat the again and again but if MIL says something we try to elaborate that and try to tell in different versions. Basically here the missing element is art of living. We don't know how to make our life’s happy and just worrying minor elements of the life, which can ignore easily.
For mediums issues - people need to apply different techniques to solve those because they won't be end of life event nor the ignore kind of things. They need to handle them the way it's works out for them and sometimes not all the problems can be solved. It depends on the lot of factors. Not all the people will have confidence to deal with the problems or the intelligence. We can categories each person abilities on the scale from 0-100.You might be at 90+ and you can handle your problems but not all the people like that.

 

Dear Kitty,
I don't think its about priorities.I think its about compatibility , communication and understanding of couples that make them successful.

Eg: Women in this forum has said that they have talked to their spouse but they have said.."nothing doing this is how its going to be ...take it or leave it"...

Some people have stayed and some have parted.

Mostly women come here to vent and its a good forum for that.These are intimate details of our life and we may not be comfortable in telling anybody about it.

My cousin sis is very bold and smart .She is very intelligent too but I don't know how 2 of her marriages failed. She is in her early 40s and all alone. Living alone is nothing bad don't get me wrong however just being stubborn may not always lead to good things.

On the other hand it worked for you.You are a very focused young woman and I applaud your achievements.:clap But it may not work for all.
JMO..

FL.

 

[QUOTE] But lot of women can't say this word because of lot of reasons. They are not financially independent; [/QUOTE]

Kitty, I was referring to Priya's quote about not being financially independent. But yes, I see how you are trying to tackle the problem of financially independent ladies first.

:exactly: Once a husband and wife understand and agree upon this, their priorities are automatically set straight.