1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Seriously need help

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by westsideindian, Jun 25, 2010.

  1. westsideindian

    westsideindian Junior IL'ite

    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    9
    Trophy Points:
    10
    Gender:
    Female
    Hie everyone,

    Previously, I had posted a problem occured in my family. I have been married for 7 years to a wonderful man. He's everything to me. After 3 years of marriage, the 1st problem started. He who was very open in the beginning started hiding his mobile from me. He will be texting long hours and always hiding from me. When he goes to shower he will switch of his mobile. When I stated asking he would say it is just some office friend. One morning, I got the chance to see his phone and I was totally shocked, it contained a very intimate message and after a week of own investigation, I found out that it was a girl. I was still quite. Those days I also used to work on Saturdays and once I saw my landline bill, calls made out every saturday to this specific mobile was huge. I comfronted him but instead he scolded me of being nosey and seeing details in bills. I was so hurt. But all this I put aside and prayed to God. Thank God, the calls became lesser the following year (2007). So many little problems like this happen not long after. For example he used to lend money to a widow with 4 kids. She is from a different race(Malay). I didnt really question him but then, slowly I could see much money was spent from the credit card for a scheme which he told me she has asked him to participate (get rich quick).
    I have a difficult time helping him repay the credit cards. But he simply use it for nothing.

    My husband is the only son and has 2 sisters. One of his cousin brother stay close to our house. He is married with 3 young kids. My brother-in-law is quite irresponsible. He used to drink with friends till past midnite not thinking of his wife and kids at home. When he gets back, he will fight with his wife. Slowly things became pretty bad between them. My husband wanted to help them get better. Now, the wife of my brother in law(lets call her R) often calls my husband. If my BIL comes home late, R will call my husband even at 4am. Now whenever BIL stays out late, it has become my husbands problem. I dont mind her calling actually but whenever I sms and ask her how r things she will tell me all is ok. She only shares with my husband. Once, she had a problem with BIL and again DH had to solve it, he told me he wanted to call her. I said fine go ahead and call but he refused to call her infront of me but instead told me that he felt more comfortable talking with her alone downstairs. What is this?? Always she calls, he will walk away from me. I don't know why.

    I'm at my wits end. I feel so hurt. What do I do? FYI, i wrote about the house issue in my last thread, DH said he wants to go to his mums house to talk to his mum to convince her. I felt ok that he wants to talk and settle thing between his mum and me but you know what, he's bringing BIL and family with him. I told him that if he wants to settle an issue, he has to go alone. This is not the right time to bring BIL n family as you have an issue to resolve. He did not listen to me but instead went on with his plan. He accused me of being jealous of R and family.They should be on their way there. I feel so hurt. So emotionally and mentally down. What do I do?

    Will appreciate some advise. Do you think what he did is right? Have I done anything wrong? I don't feel like answering his calls. FYI, tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. :drowning<input id="gwProxy" type="hidden"><!--Session data--><input onclick="jsCall();" id="jsProxy" type="hidden"><input id="gwProxy" type="hidden"><!--Session data--><input onclick="jsCall();" id="jsProxy" type="hidden">
     
    Loading...

  2. LLavanya

    LLavanya Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,088
    Likes Received:
    143
    Trophy Points:
    130
    Gender:
    Female
    I felt very sad on reading ur post. I can understand ur feelings. Slowly go on his way and correct him. Women can do anything if they decided to do. Speak to him frankly but u should be so soft and tell him ur problems, make him to understand what he is doing. Tell him that u r suffering to pay credit cards...

    If possible go for outing for ur anniversary to some different places when u can stay alone with him. Make him to feel at that time.

    In addition pray to god with ur full faith, i m sure u ll get answered. Please read siddha managala stotram, it is powerfull, i m doing it currently. Every problem will have solution u ll get ur time.

    Dont worry. Take care.
     
  3. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,648
    Likes Received:
    552
    Trophy Points:
    233
    Gender:
    Female
    You need to sit and talk to your husband. Tell him clearly that such secret dealings with other women is hurting you. If he says that it is trivial and you need not be worried, tell him you are not worried but are hurt by his actions. Actions by which he treats you like an outsider.

    Some men get a high acting "knights in shining armor" to "damsels in distress". There might not be anything more to it. But it does hurt the wife a lot when husband hides things from her or is secretive with other women. So put your foot down and tell him clearly that you do not like this behavior of his.

    -Lakshmi
     
  4. westsideindian

    westsideindian Junior IL'ite

    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    9
    Trophy Points:
    10
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks ladies,

    I am wondering how to get the right message to R that she as a mother to 3 kids need to stay away from other people's husband. What do I do? Shall I confront her? I don't think that is right either.

    Today (26th) is my anniversary. But DH is outstation as I mentioned. BIL & R are also with him. She must be so happy to have taken my husband away from me. I am really at my wits end. Lavanya, DH has promised to take me on a trip when he returns.

    Sometimes, it really hurts that I feel life is not worth anymore.
    <input id="gwProxy" type="hidden"><!--Session data--><input onclick="jsCall();" id="jsProxy" type="hidden"><input id="gwProxy" type="hidden"><!--Session data--><input onclick="jsCall();" id="jsProxy" type="hidden">
     
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2010
  5. sansmomy

    sansmomy Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    124
    Likes Received:
    44
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear WSI,
    Belated wishes on your anniversary...! Hey, though i do not really know the nature of your DH and the circumstances, this is what i think based on the inputs you have given....I think, your DH might be feeling uncomfortable/ashamed while discussing some 'negative' things (like his bro drinks and doesnt care for his family) in front of you as it is kind of degrading his family's image in front of you....I understand, his relatives are your relatives too and hence he should not be hesistant in sharing/exposing such things...but in most cases, this happens...DILs are mostly treated as outsiders when it comes to some inner issues in the DH side family...So, let it be...it is in a way good that you are not directly involved in his bro's (and his wife) issues....They are primarily DH's relatives and let DH handle it on his own...I understand it is pretty irritating when DH keeps such talks as a secret, but then ignoring is the only thing you can do...(You said, you have tried confrontation and it did not make things better, so just leave it)....

    No, please do not confront R. This may lead to further fights between you and DH. Even if you decide to confront to, it has to be directly with your DH and not with any third party. Afterall, your marriage commitment is with DH and hence he is answerable to you and not R. Personally (based on your post), i dont think, R has any love interest in your DH. It might be just a emotional dependence which she is utilizing to solve her own DH's (your BIL) issue...I think, you are analysing too much...give yourself a break...I think, you are TTC, so just dont stress up yourself...things will be fine....

    Regarding the mistry phone calls/texting of your DH - Since you said that it has lessened over these many years, so would say that just let it go now. It would be complicated if you try to mix past issues with the current ones and your curent judgment may be biased then.

    Take care!

    ~S.
     
  6. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,648
    Likes Received:
    552
    Trophy Points:
    233
    Gender:
    Female
    Nope.. it is your husband who is causing you distress and not R. And she is an outsider to what happens between you and your husband. Better keep her out of it. If you involve her, things will become more complicated.

    As i said before, talk to your husband. Tell him it hurts when he talks secretly with other women and to be more open with his communications or what he does. This is not the first time this is happening. It has happened in the past too. If you want to avoid future problems, your husband should be more open with you.


    Why are you not with your husband on this trip? If you know that your BIL and his wife are with your husband and that is not acceptable to you, you should have gone along.


    :) I could only smile when you said that. I can understand how upset you are about this whole thing. But she did not take your husband away from you. He went there himself. So talk to him about it.

    My best wishes to you that this issue gets resolved soon.

    -Lakshmi
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2010

Share This Page