Serious Problem In Marriage - What To Do

I think we all have a need to nurture. That need gives us a feeling of accomplishment and contentment. Love does the same too. But not everyone gets love.
When we think of kids, we dont necessarily think of them supporting us when we are 80. Its the todays fulfilment that we crave for.
Even if the marriage was happy today and we bring in kids, it is not necessary that the couple will be together and the kids witness a "happy marriage"
The government allows adoption to single women too. Maybe the kid will grow up and ask for father - like in old 80s movies but that should deprive you from the parental experience. There are many types of parents. Even if they are together, maybe they travel a lot. Maybe their strenous jobs dont let them give enough time. Maybe they are not interested in marriage at all. Maybe they are heartbroken or whatever.
We need to raise the children to be empathetic about the parents/gaurdians situation but not "not have" children just because they will need explaining in future. Of course no point in hiding the truth. Be selfish. Think about yourself. You will need love - any kind. Some people chose not to have children because they have enough in husband. that is their call.

Good luck - except for the physical abuse in your story, I think you are on the right path to think of having children from him. I just wish for you that the physical abuse stops. Rest everything somehow are pretty common these days in all marriages. Please keep your finances in check. Dont lose focus on career. Raising a child is no little expense. Pray saibaba. DO the saivratam of 7 or 9 thursdays.

 

Why would any sane person want to have a child with an abusive person?

Why would anyone do it to themselves...and more importantly to their child? Isn't that selfish and abusive ?

Won't the child ask tomorrow why you knowingly chose that abusive person to have a child with?

The man is not fit to live with but fit to have a child with?

I am sorry but lot of people just don't think about the rights of the future children to have a good home and good parents .Having a child is not just about you . It should first and foremost be about the child . Having a child with an abusive person when you have a choice( a lot of women do not have a choice) is abuse of your reproductive rights.

Do you want this abuser in the child's life? If not...why do you want to deal with him in future in form of custody battle ? Why do you want this for a child?

How about adoption or having a child through sperm donation ? Both are legal options .
Scared of society but not scared of having a child with the an abusive man?
Seriously...the kind of regressive advice on the forum makes me stay away .It is really sad to see educated independent women being adviced to have a child in an abusive marriage just to satisfy ones maternal instinct or for future security. Is there a guarantee for future security?

As for the husband excuses for lack of sex....girl please don't believe them and his lies about having a good sex life with ex.
These are just excuses for his inability or lack of interest in sex .Which man stops sex midway to make excuses?If you were voluptuous, he would have called you fat to avoid sex. You are beautiful if you feel that and don't let this insecure abuser make you feel anyother way.

If you want to give this another chance....
Sit with him and tell him that for you to even think about staying in this marriage ...you need 1) all kind of physical and emotional abuse to stop . The problem is with him not you .
2) Deal with his sexual problems and not blame you for it.
3 ) No interference from in laws and no guilt tripping for staying in a seperate home .

Remember ...he might change temporarily just to have a child. There is no guarantee.
Do not go for ivf...there is no incentive for him to change if you are willing to have the child with this abuser anyways.


Please do not have a child if this marriage stays abusive . That is just so unfair to you but more so for the child.

If you really do not want to live with this guy in future...cut your losses and break up . The more you stay with him...the less time you have for finding love and happiness...whether it is with someone else or by yourself.

 

If you are planning to walk out after having a child ...don't be too sure of full custody. The courts will not take away a father's right unless he gives it up himself or he is abusive to the child or a criminal.

Unless you have physical proof...his abuse towards you is your word against his. He will say you pushed him too .

If he wants the child in his life...he may resort to mudsling to declare you are unfit .There is no guarantee that ghe child may like being with you more than being with him .

I know a family where the children were given to the father and the grandmother lives with them and the kids seem to have a wholesome happy life.The mother takes them out shopping once or twice a year as she stays in different place .

 

A marriage without sex, affection, or love is purely waste of time. In your case, there is no reason to wait since you have no further commitments like kids or financial dependence with him.

He is clearly not interested in this marriage with you. In fact, he is not a marriage material according to me.
Either he is uninterested in marriage or gay or asexual or a person with certain kind of mental illness... you name it.

It is important to have some background checking before marriage. More important if this is a second marriage, especially after a divorce.
Have you cross checked the reason behind his divorce? Not just his words, but from others.
Have you tried to communicate with his ex-wife?

Also it is important to set your priorities straight before marriage, especially before the second time around.
You seem to be an independent, working woman and you dislike the joint family arrangement so much to avoid interference from in laws.
You knew your H divorced his ex-wife because of interfering in laws.
You knew your MIL is an interfering type, and he is her only son
You saw some red flags from the beginning
But you went ahead and married him..... That's so unfortunate.

Nevertheless, I feel the waiting has no point....

If there is no physical or medical reason behind, I do not think why would he wait for 3 years and still yet to consummate his marriage with you?
Why would he want IVF? To prove the world that he is man enough to marry & make children?

Do you think such a life can help you progress in life? If not, then what makes you stay with him & waste the rest of your life.

If you want a child, marriage is not the only option. As a doctor you know this, right!

 

In the above case, they went for ivf to produce kids, but after many sessions of therapy, he tried for sex a few times and gave up. She stayed with him in the same house because she was afraid to loose custody or share custody( in USA, they give joint custody only). But her kids started questioning her ( kids are smarter than we think). They asked her if she likes them to stay in a similar situation. So, she finally went for divorce. Her PILs offered every thing to her to stay in this marriage that time and even blamed her.
She was a single mother for many years. She is in her mid fifties now, and recently married to a loving person. Her only regret is that she wasted so many years with her ex. It was painful to live with an unloving h.
I mentioned this here because its not easy to live with a person like this or leave once you have kids, also, we can't predict what can happen in custody battle in India, especially with an abusive person. They can do every thing to manipulate and blame/ defame you.

Your h already showed who he is. Believe him. I dont think a normal healthy man stay away from consummating his marriage for three years- some reasons are aversion/ asexual /gay/ ED/ or other issues, you know better. There are cases in which h has no sexual attraction, intimacy, or not even a desire to touch his bride , but can have affair/ relationship with others, that's not the case here. These issues wont go away. Even if he try, he will go back to his normal behavior. You will never have a normal marriage if this is the case. Are you OK with that . If you like to try for some more time, you have to define your conditions and stick with it and let him know that you will leave if he dont agree with it. But, people change their colors for their needs. Can you trust him?

Don't give so much pressure on you because its your second marriage ( as its not consummated, its not marriage yet) . Its better to be alone than being with the wrong person. There are cases where women have third happy marriage. But, need to do a thorough back ground check before any marriage especially second or third marriage.

Dont take any emotional decision. Detach, think practically. Ask yourself, consider all aspects before taking a decision, but have a timeline, like six months. Whatever it may be, stick with it. Dont look back , but face it with courage. You have already spend 3y. Its unfortunate that you are in this situation. You deserve better.

You are beautiful the way you are. Don't allow others to ruin your confidence or self esteem or self respect.

Thanks @yellowmango and @SGBV for your great replies.

 

In your situation I would see a therapist so you can get clarity about the events and patterns that have shaped your life and thoughts. This might help you to regain your self esteem and see things in the correct light. This will also prevent you from repeating the same negative cycles over and over. I wish you find peace.

 

Believe in yourself. You need to give positive affirmations to your thoughts( see self help you tube videos on this topic). You are a smart woman, doctor and many women would love to be in that place. Then why you think, that way.
When you are in a toxic environment, created by your father or h, abuse makes one doubt themselves.
Like @MalStrom mentioned above counselling or therapy help to vent and get clarity on what to do next. You dont have to mention about it to anyone. But if you are not healed, you will attract bad people to your life. Take control of your life.
Love and help yourself.
A few examples here, I am not sure of its scientific value, but when we are down, listening to positive affirmation may improve our mind set. So, please remove your negative thoughts about yourself, else this vicious cycle of bad treatment will continue. Good luck

 

I don’t care if it’s your second marriage. RUN from this horrible, toxic, abusive man and his dysfunctional family. And pls for heaven’s sake, don’t bring a child into this messy marriage. Raising a child is not easy and they will make your life even more hell. Get a divorce, focus on yourself, stay away from your dad and anyone else who feeds your insecurities. Surround yourself only with friends and family members who make you feel good. Go low contact with everyone else. Read up on co-dependency issues. That is what your husband seems to have with his mom.