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separation and relationship

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by Nikita2, Feb 17, 2008.

  1. Nikita2

    Nikita2 New IL'ite

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    Hello,
    I have been separated for almost two years now. I am not sure if I need to go to my past and tell you story about my separation since it is long. I will give you little background and later may be I will post my story in detail. I was separated due to husband’s alcohol problem and depression. I was married to an Indian man who was raised in USA since he was 5 years old. He had all kind of relationship before marriage since he was young very common for American culture. I didn’t make big deal out of it because it was past. I learned though that he was in madly love with a woman when he was in his senior year of college. That woman cheated and he felt betrayed left everything and started living alone which probably put him in depression. God knows why he agreed to marry me. He told me that he liked me (not was in love with me) and his parents pressure. From the starting we were having some small issues and problems. He would come home late so I would feel lonely and will get upset that he doesn’t care about me etc. I am very socialize person and he is not so it was hard for me to live alone in the house without any friends and family. After episodes of problems finally I asked him why he is so strict, controlling and not happy with me. He told me that he was madly in love with this woman and it is taking while for him to forget about his past. He told me that he doesn’t love me but he likes me. It is my duty to create love in him for me etc. I was 19 at that time very much unfamiliar about the marriage life and any type of physical activities. I tried hard to listen to him but so many times it was very unreasonable to follow him as a result I won’t listen and he will get upset (will start fighting). After six months of our marriage he said that he use to drink socially and he miss that interaction with his friends so he asked me if he can drink socially. I told him that I don’t like drinking idea at all. My mom’s brother use to drink and physically abused my auntie. From that moment I hate the idea of drinking. He promised me that he would never touch me or get over drunk. I agreed for him to drink. He started drinking on weekends with friends or himself. I never had drink and never wanted to drink so I won’t. His drinking started increasing every year. He started acting strange in the night time and so many times it was out of control. Whenever it gets out of control he would try to give up for couple months and then will go back to drinking (blaming my behavior pushing him to drink). After a year of my marriage I was thinking of what would be life without him and finding a guy who would care and respect me.

    After 8 years of ups and down of our relationship (including separation for 15 months) and birth of a child we got separated. He asked me to go to his parent’s house since he can’t live with me. I thought hard about it and bagged him for finding some different solution instead of sending me to a different state then he was in. He was very stubborn and won’t talk about any other solution. I decided to see lawyer for separation paperwork and serve him after I leave. I informed his parents about serving him and they talked me out of it. To this day I am technically marry to him. He did come 6 to 7 times in these two years to work for his father (since he was unemployed for quite a while) and at the same time visited out daughter. Our daughter is three years old. She very much like him and enjoy spending time with him so does he. While he visited here I tried to work out with him not directly but indirectly. I invited him to our house (since I moved out from his parents’ house after six moths of our separation to my own little house). He would come and play with Carina and ate together but no sign from his side that he would like to get together. I requested him that we should take our daughter to a trip together so she feels good but we didn’t really talk the whole trip. He told me that he will take me out for my birthday but later he didn’t for some reason. After seeing that he is not showing any sign of getting back together I decided to do something else.

    I decided to put my profile online to see what kind of response I will get if I have a daughter. I got very good response. I actually started liking talking to other guys. My husband was the only guy that I know in my life so I was afraid of talking to other guys. While I wasn’t really serious about relationship, I met this guy from internet whose profile said that he is divorced and nothing about kids. He is close to achieve his PHD and was ok looking guy. In the beginning I started chatting with him for four to five hours or even more sometime. I enjoyed talking to him. We started talking more about physical and stopped talking about other topics. Knowing that was lacking from my previous marriage I really started getting attracted to him. Just before we decided to meet he disclosed that he is still married but separated for less than a year now and have two kids. I was upset that he didn’t disclose this before since I disclosed everything about me and my child. He said that everything happens so fast between us and he didn’t want to loose me. My mom talked me out of not seeing him so I decided to meet him. After first day of meeting I was thinking may bed I will break up with him so he can go back to his wife and son. I felt like I will snatch him away from his kids. He was very much determined that he won’t go back to his wife. I didn’t think that he is handsome at all but I wasn’t looking for outside beauty. [/font]
    [FONT='Times New Roman','serif'] Some reason I wasn’t able to break with him. I really like the fact the fact that there is someone that I can talk to about my child which he really enjoyed listing about my daughter’s story. I liked that there is someone who cares for me and I can talk him any time without any fear. He is very calm and philosophical guy opposite of my husband. He doesn’t drink (very much plus point for me) and he likes kids. I continued to see him. He would come once a month to see me. We are seeing for seven months now. He is good nature guy. There are few red flags that I don’t know if I should ignore it or look for someone else.

    1. I was a new driver when I got separated and didn’t learn to drive on express way. I told him that I can’t drive on expressway because I never did. Knowing I am new driver he still preferred that I should pick him up from airport. He will not take taxi or rent car. He rally wants to see me when he comes to my place. He told me that one day I have to learn driving so I should keep my fear away and drive carefully and confidentially. I thought that was odd that he doesn’t care that what if something happen to me. I did drive and did many mistakes luckily didn’t hit anyone or made someone to hit maybe because other people drew cautiously. The winter whether gets worst where I live and I would tell him that it is snowing the whether is so bad please take a taxi but he won’t take taxi. He will somehow convince me to drive. That really bothers me that first of all why he doesn’t think that what if something will happen; secondly why he doesn’t care that dropping and picking him up from airport does create stress and trouble for me since I have to leave work early etc. On the other hand I think that I flies for me here which is also a trouble and he doesn’t mind it then why do I mind so much of dropping and picking him up form airport.
    2. On our third meeting I picked him from airport it was late night. He likes home made food so I cooked ahead but wasn’t able to do dishes since it was lat night. Next day I went to work. I was thinking that since he knows cooking and cleaning he will do at least one chore before I come home from job to surprise me. He didn’t do anything everything was there as I left. I asked him that why he didn’t touch anything. He was surprised that I was expecting from him. I told him clearly that in my previous marriage I hated the fact that my husband was so much into woman and man role. I told him that in future relationship I am looking someone who will work with me in the house (not majorly but somewhat to help out). We had long talk and he thought that my love is not that strong for him and that is why I am expecting these small types of stuff. He convinced me this small thins doesn’t bother him at all since he truly loves me. At the end he told me that he will do dishes.
    3. From fourth visit he started helping me in cooking but he will not touch the dishes even if I help him doing dishes. I don’t know how big this deal is. I started letting this dish thing go and start doing myself.
    4. He cares for my daughter and he talks to her but he is not very much active. He doesn’t very much play with her. He will play for an hour in a day and that is it.
    5. He is very much active in physical interaction. If he gets physical attention, he is happy otherwise he is ok. I am not use to of so much physical interaction. I am not even sure if physical is that important to keep relationship since it wasn’t important at all with my previous husband? [/font]
    6. He still tells me that I should think about going back to my husband even though he knows my story. He knows my husbands verbal abusive nature and alcohol problem. He still thinks it will be good for our daughter which I think it is odd.

    I am in dilemma of what to do. We are meeting more and I can’t decide if he is a good guy for me. My daughter is getting use to of him. Society will find out sooner about our relationship since we do go out together when he is in town. I am afraid if I say no to him and what if I don’t find a good nature guy like him. With my husband’s experience, it is big concern for me.

    The other thing is that now his wife is here on student visa and asking him to get back together for kids sake. He is very much deterministic that he won’t go back because of his past sad marriage story. He is keep telling me that he won’t go back unless I decided to leave. I am not sure what to do. I know that he will provide a good financial and emotional stability to our life but are all the above concern are legitimate. Why above things bothers me if I love him. I am not even sure now if I really do love him since all his small things bother me. I like to talk to him but not too much physical and he is very much in physical. Should that be concern?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 17, 2008
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  2. ansh12

    ansh12 Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: seperation and relationship

    Hi Nikita

    Its really saddeneing to hear about you. Excess of everything is bad and an alchoholic will always find excuses to drink. More often it is depresion and wife's behaviour. Its just an excuse to justfiy their habit.You did right to leave that person.

    Since you were marrued at a young age age, its very natural for you to feel vulnerable and depend on other male. But, pleasse assure yourself that this person is not with you for physical gratification and will not dump ypu for his wife. Ask him , when will he marry you, when is he taking divorce? You question wil be answered.If he doesn't answered staright, leave him

    Best wishes
    Ansh
     
  3. Bhooma

    Bhooma Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: seperation and relationship

    Nikita

    The first thing you would want to ask him is if he is getting a divorce and when? if he is not giving you an answer straight away.. then just drop him like a hot potato.

    I am sure you will find someone who will be there for you and your daughter .. just dont be in a hurry and rush into things ..

    later on you may regret that living alone was better.

    just a message of concern and caution ... from someone who has seen so much in life :)

    cheers

    Bhooma
     
  4. lovinglife

    lovinglife New IL'ite

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    Re: seperation and relationship

    Nikita:

    I am really sorry about what you have had to go through in life. **** happens, there is no way we can predict what a relationship is going to turn into......but, at the end of it all, I think we come out stronger.

    Good for you, for leaving your shithead drunk husband and moving on with your life and for taking care of your daughter. That shows how strong you are!! CONGRATS!!

    You should first concentrate on getting a divorce. That is the key to move on with your new life. You are still legally married and if your husband comes to know of your relationship, it will affect your child custody big time. Do you want to risk losing your daughter? I guess not. So, please.....please focus on getting a divorce and until then, put everything else on hold.

    Regarding this new guy you are seeing, he is BAD NEWS for you.

    1. He lied to you about his married status and about kids. You should have dropped him as soon as you learnt of the truth. Him giving you the reason that he did that because he did not want to lose you is nonsense. He is a liar and no relationship can be based on lies.

    2. No decent man will have a woman go through so much pains to pick him up from the airport. He is an ass. Why the heck can't he take a cab?

    3. WHY ON EARTH are you letting this man into your house? You have a daughter at home and this world is full of perverts. You CANNOT let this man into your life so easily and CANNOT put your daughter in danger.

    DUMP HIM AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

    Once you get a divorce, start meeting people in your own city. This way, neither of you have to go out of town to meet, so there is no chance of having someone inside your house.

    Find a sitter/friend to watch your daughter and go out on dates. Don't bring anyone inside your house until you have known them for a long time and have built a relationship with him.

    Go out to dinner/movies/events, etc......don't get physical too quickly. I know how it feels to be alone and not having that intimacy. I know that it makes you feel ALIVE, if nothing else. So, getting physically intimate is not a bad thing, BUT, bringing that into your house especially when you have a daughter is BAD!!

    This man is only interested in a physical relationship and is not a good match for you.

    There are plenty of fish in this world. Don't settle for the first one you find. I know we Indians are very emotional, but keep a check on your emotions.

    Please stop seeing him and DO NOT give in, no matter what he says. You are having these instincts for a reason. Always go with your gut feelings. It's better to be safe than sorry and just tell yourself that you deserve the best!!

    Good Luck.
     
  5. itsmeteddy

    itsmeteddy New IL'ite

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    Re: seperation and relationship

    Hi Induskr, I completely agree with you reply. Its well analysed and has covered all points. I agree to the point that it is really dangerous to let someone into your house so soon.
     
  6. lovinglife

    lovinglife New IL'ite

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    Re: seperation and relationship

    Thanks Teddy :)

    One of my friend is a family physician and he sees all sorts of patients. Most of his patients have stories about how some of the men they dated or married sexually abused their kids (little girls and boys) from their previous marriages.

    It is a scary world out there and I feel it's better not to expose your kids to every single person you date, until you know what direction it's going in.
     
  7. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Re: seperation and relationship

    Nikita,

    I agree with Induskr's reply. She has seen things from practical angle hence the very pragmatic advice.
    I just want to draw your attention to missing red flags, which should help you decide about this 'Mr Good natured guy'

    - He s emotionally manipulating you. Someone who is staying in your house occassionally, saying 'I love you' innumerous times, and expecting list of services including physical pleasure from you, is showing you how life will be aftewards with him too. He s for sure making best of opportunity here, he is not talking long term and serious issues because he has no intention going in that direction. Never believe people 's word. Believe their actions. Action is what a person is. He can go on and on about physical demands. But no word of wisdom on how to work out things in real sense.

    - Men dont get into relation expecting kids and honmely food. Their primary expectation is physical gratification. If kids and homely food was enough, he wouldn't have wandered from his first marriage. what are the reasons he has told you about first marriage's failiure. If possible have a talk with his wife and know the real story. One meeting with his wife will take your opinion 180 degree direction about him. Such hideous people often paint too rosey picture of themselves.

    - I totally second Induskr's suggestion of closing one mess before starting another. It s like you are on one boat. and you know boat will sink..Instead of trying to get off boat, you are trying to step on two boat at same time.. Dont do it. Women in emotional quagmire has least probablity of making right decision.

    - lastly, dont rush into somebody because of issues like lonliness, hectic life or financial instability. After having burnt hands once you should be more cautious. Only go for a person, who is answer of your inner voice. If you for a person who is answer of your fears, you will always be dependent on them for being happy.

    - someone who has lied in beginning , will always lie all his life. Dont forgive people easily. Take their action more seriosuly than their words. People are what they do, not what they say..

    Ria
     
  8. lovinglife

    lovinglife New IL'ite

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    Re: seperation and relationship

    I totally agree with Ria. Actions speak louder than words. If this guy does not have a good relationship with his own kids, how can you expect anything more from him for your daughter?

    You say that your daughter loves her father and her dad (the drunk husband) is good to her too. So, she has a father in her life. Stop looking for a man who can be a step father for your daughter. When you meet a man, think how compatible he is FOR YOU....if he is doing everything he can, to keep you happy. Going by what you say, he's just been a pain for you so far. Who cares about how philosophical he is??

    Just get rid of him.
     
  9. sassonroy

    sassonroy New IL'ite

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    Re: seperation and relationship

    George Bernard Shaw
    We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future.
     
  10. ansh12

    ansh12 Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: seperation and relationship

    Hi sasson

    Well said.BowVery apt. But, then someone said learn from past.

    Tumi Kamon achcho?
    keep visiting
    Ansh
     

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