To give you a background of my family, I have 2 children and I work full time as well. I contribute equally to the household expenditure as well. We spent our initial years of marriage working very hard to get to where we are now. My dh is smart but he did not have the drive to move forward in life. I had a very hard time convincing him to find new jobs and get ahead. In the process of doing so I also advanced my career with a masters degree and a well paying job. Its been a tough and tedious journey which involved giving birth to 2 children and taking care of them with no help all along. Off late I have not been feeling very happy about my dh's success in his professional life. Well to be more specific he had a huge raise in his compensation recently and though I feel happy for his success I am not as happy as I should be. The reason I feel this way is the non-stop intrusion of my mil in our finances. My dh lost his father at a young age and his widowed mother lives in India. She has a daughter who lives close by as well. My dh is filled with neck deep guilt about us living here and his mom living alone. She visits us every year for 6 months. All her financial needs are being taken care of by us and also we shower my sil with abundant money and gifts to make her happy. I completely agree that nothing can replace physical proximity to his mom which is why I have wholeheartedly agreed to move back in a few years to be with her. All this done I want to spend the few years of my life here at my own wish and will, making decisions as a family, taking trips and having a good time. But my dh constantly involves his mother in every single decision we make which is very annoying. I have talked to him about it, fought with him, argued, tried to reason out with him and nothing has worked. All that is left is just bitterness from fights and arguments. I have realized over years that this is how my life is and I constantly have to stand up and if necessary argue and fight for my rights. I am a non-confrontational person and this is a huge effort for me in daily life. I am getting along fine most days but there are moments I feel really down that even a situation where my dh earning more (which is good for my family and is supposed to make me happy) is not exciting me because I know I will have to deal with her intrusion in how we spend the extra money or how we invest it. Any advice on how to help with thoughts like this? Is it just me that I am unable to deal with this or have any of you have felt like this? cheers
Life is not always about finance, profession etc. It is more about mutual understanding and that is to some extent happening in your life as well. One thing to remember is fights actually contribute to the physical and mental detriment of the people involved. So just stop thinking about these issues and focus on your kid, if you are the spiritual oriented person that will help you as well to bring peace of mind. Other IL will give lots of input. Bye
Spousal jealousy will destroy ur marriage. Nip it in the bud. It has nothing to do with ur MIL. Counselling should help.
Dear P83, These things are really common in families esp when ur husband has stood as man for these two ladies at very young age. I doubt he would ever stop taking advises from her. Hope he takes advise from you as well. Make sure that she doesn't interfere in your decision or your choice (sounds rude after writing but per ur situation). You would have to talk out every time till your husband and MIL understand that they shd not mess with you and does their stuff without harming you. Its going to be constant struggle till you reach that point.
If you learn how to live happily today automatically your future also will be happy. Marrissa Mayer has become CEO of Yahoo and also have kids. Can you achieve something like this in your life? It is easy to judge others but difficult to follow by self. As you are behind the money and finance so much, earn on your own how much ever you want, it gives peace of mind to your H also.
I am sure this CEO of yahoo will have problem if her husband does that. I think its more than issue of money....it is having more than 2 ppl in marriage..interference in everything. OP s NOT miser or complaining abt financing them.
OP, I do understand that you want your spouse to value your decisions and likes, and also come to consensus after discussions with you. Fair enough as every wife would wish to feel included and to thrive in a family where she does not have to face constant competition from her MIL. But, this may be a little difficult with your husband, because of the situations he has grown up through in life. I would suggest to let this go for a while, do not interfere too much in what he speaks to MIL/ or how she implements her decisions on money matters through him. Instead try and seek happiness in other things like your own career, your kids, etc. Does your MIL push herself into decisions regarding your income as well? If yes, you have every right to put a stop on that. By expecting a huge change in your spouse, you are chasing a wrong star, and losing your peace and happiness as well. Good luck!
I see money , finance, jealousy about spouse sal hike primarily in the OP post. And claiming spouse career success is merely because of her. All these are not good. If she could concentrate on bigger things to achieve, she won't have time to think about minor issues. This is what I was trying to convey. Nothing else. I could be wrong.
You are definitely not alone, everybody has this issue. Our parents belong to a generation which wants the next generation to earn but they cannot stand them spending it on themselves. They belong to a generation which believed in frugal spending and a lot of saving. There are households where in-laws keep tab of everything that dil does - how much she eats, talks, where she goes, what she does, how often she talks to her parents etc etc. Believe me, this will pass. There are times in life, when you will not get all that you wanted. You have to be very selfish and act selfish and if you are the type who believes that others' happiness also matters in your happiness then good luck. It is not going to work. Just accept the situation and move on, don't stress yourself about it. There are worse situations sometimes which no one would want to accept and which are totally unfair to you, but then life gives you no choice. All we can do is, give our next generation some space and hope that they will be happy and satisfied and others won't come across us as someone who will invade their personal space.
Thanks to everyone who responded and offered advice. This is a public forum and people can write whatever they feel like. I respect that. But sun01, I don't understand what gives you the right to judge my intellectual capacity and question me if I can become the CEO of Yahoo. Its a completely offensive response. and why would I take credit for anybody's success even if it is my husband. I know he is here because of his hardwork. I was just trying to convey that i have supported him all along which I am sure every loving wife does to her husband. If your mom says she raised you to become what you are today then would you slam her saying she takes credit for your success? You must be crazy. I cant believe one can spew so much negativity in a response. It is very difficult to completely portray your intentions in a post and I am sure some readers could have gotten the wrong idea that I am behind money. Its not true. My personal feeling is that though we start out on the same level women have a lot to give up in a marriage when compared to men. We do this with love and affection because we want the best for our family. Money is a big factor in life and every mother wants the best for her children's future. I would rather prefer to make investments that are benefiting my children in the long run rather than short term decisions to keep my MIL happy. While most men are fine on this aspect some of them are so bent over keeping their mother's happy by yielding them the control over financial decisions of the family. Thanks for all the positive advice and I understand its going to a long process and slow change but eventually i hope he gives me the right i deserve.
