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Second Marriage Failed.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by needawayout, Dec 24, 2022.

  1. needawayout

    needawayout Silver IL'ite

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    so i was married about 15 years ago and anuled immediately. Recently, after a tragedy at home, I remarried at 43. My AMH is 0.2 when I checked recently. So if I have to have children, its NOW.

    I married this guy because he said he has the patience of a rock. I have always been known as aggressive, temperamental etc, even in school. Life calmed me quite a lot, but for a new person, who is not really smart(like someone who is lazy,dumb ) I do come across as loud, noisy whatever. I gave him an earful many times before marriage also and he came back saying sorry and asking me to reconsider. I said him so many times that I do not have friends, I am not talkative in general, hardwork is only good thing I have. He said he has the patience for compensating all my lack of it. I thought thats mor eimportant than everything and I married - for peace.

    Now , he seems to be yelling and coming on to me for every little fight. He is ready to fight the minute I get a little frustrated also. He is always looking over his shoulder that I am yelling. So you get the picture.
    I called one of his friends the other day (for the first time) and he said your h is a short tempered person but generally a fine guy. I think that one line summed up all my problems in marraige.

    We are lviing separately for few months already. I asked him to leave for some other nonsense. I called him recently and asked to talk on what to do next. either try again or go legal and we fought like some street dogs. just short of physical. blame game whatever, THE WORST.

    I came home. called the next day that since we cant seem to have really piled up hatred, we shoudl legally separate. And then he says he needs time to think. Then he calls me next day with a casual "how are you doing" thing and I flared up. I still cant understand how can you act normal when we have a big decision ahead. He thinks its easy if we stay separately and come once a month to deposit sperm. And no divorce.My proposal was to get a puja done after 10 days and try again for 2 months. It ended there for now.

    Now due to my age, if I have any little chance of having children, it has to be now. I cant go around courts now. If I have a child now, I will have to fight in courts for custody. But do I go around for a divorce and then go for anonymous donor? He might fight for custody just to trouble me. He inturn might ask me for money to support child and childs custody also. So, its like either child with troubled marriage or just troubled marriage for me now. I am too selfish to not even try for a child (bad mentality but ...). Maybe, Maybe if I ask for a divorce he might accept and get a simple mutual divorce quickly. A big Maybe, but still courts in India are way too slow.

    Heart of hearts, I just cant tolerate even his sight. Maybe we need counselling just to tolerate each other.
    Also, I have this gnawing guilt that I cant keep a marriage, even second one. I have this feeling that he should see me as a Goddess and just be obedient (sorry I just have say whats in my mind even if it sounds disgusting). I cant face my sister judging me for another failure. Even parents will judge me. I cant face myself for my stupidity of dreaming of a family at this age.

    And to think, there are people who beat up women, make all sorts of abuses and I have nothing of that sort of problems. Ideally, it might be better to try another time.
    well I think my thoughts are all over the place. guide me please.
     
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  2. nolife

    nolife Silver IL'ite

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    I am so sorry to hear this op.. I would suggest you to once ask him if he is ready for counselling? If either of you is willing to go for divorce then you might end up getting divorce after 2-3yrs which reduces chances of kids.Getting married 2nd time itself seem challenge and 3rd time would be even tough. I would suggest you to talk to gim even about kids and then see if there is a way both can avoid quarel. Most women put up with tempermental guys and slowly learn the way to deal with them. I would also recommend you to talk to a therapist or pyscological counseling on how to deal with this type of men.
     
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  3. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Op
    If possible make a list of his positives and negatives..if there is any positive which you think that genuinely helps you or may help your future child..stay separate..Work hard for your careers..Meet less and be happy. I think legal way is too taxing. Try to reconcile and meet less like once a week or so. Generally short tempered people are difficult to manage but can be managed when you talk less and have boundaries. Speaking from my experience☺️
     
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  4. needawayout

    needawayout Silver IL'ite

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    I dont know ... he doesnt speak to his parents. THey keep calling me and asking me what happened.
    Good thing is he will come and deposit sperm when asked.

    He wants to talk like a fun couple and have the perks that a real husband material has , with doing absolutely nothing.
    He wants me to inform of all my scan appointments in person, despite he getting regular notifications on his phone. I just get irritated and need to vent myself . He just doesnt know basics of intimacy, but thinks hes a master player and I am supposed to feed his idioticity.
    Can you believe his doctor said that he should opt for sperm donor if he is having problems in performing and he suggested the same to me. I was delighted that he was going to sign consent for that.
    I took him to the clinic as the docs give a counselling before signing such a form. They told him that it is going to be from anonymous person but this guy will have full responsibility of the child. and cant deny anything. And then he asked the doc that since his sperm is fine why other persons sperm. So, I was shocked at the question. So he never really knew what sperm donor does. And why did his doc recommend that to him. So finally backed out and said he will come and deposit sperm. So you see. He is kind of an idiot and illiterate.

    so, I hope he wouldnt make any demands for coming to temple and try and stay together.
     
  5. winterhue

    winterhue Gold IL'ite

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    OP,
    Hugs to you - I hear you and can only imagine the frustration. First, let me assure you that you are not defective or crazy .
    Now, ready for some tough love?
    Take a step back and assess why you want him in your life. From what you wrote , it looks like having a child is of great importance to you. But think for a second (or take longer) to see if you overlooked some of his traits , because you desperately wanted to become a mother? In that case, is there a possibility that he may have come looking for love and instead found out that you were more focussed on his sperm and thats where it all began?
    It does appear you both have moved beyond a point where you can live together. You've been expecting him to react in a certain way, and when he hasnt , its completely frustrating you. Again, you are not crazy or wrong, but its just a matter of two totally different personalities clashing with each other's expectation.
    I also understand the fear of judgement from sister and parents. But that is not worth ruining your life for.
    My advice? Start first with therapy for yourself (alone) and try to understand where all your feelings and actions come from. Often the solutions lie within us and talking to a qualified therapist will bring it all out and you yourself will know how to deal with it.
    Once you deal with yourself , it becomes much easier to deal with the world. I promise.
     
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  6. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Op

    motherhood is very challenging with or without husband. Do u think you can manage all those challenges with your aggressive temperamental nature. Forget about your husband for now. Don’t take baby s responsibility if you cannot handle it.
     
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  7. needawayout

    needawayout Silver IL'ite

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    yea I guess I need some therapy for myself. I thought my therapy was being clear. I always ALWAYS told him marriage means children for me. I dont know what he was nodding his head to?
    It is a selfish thought but having children is a big thing for me and I want to have children.
    I married because he said he has a mountain of patience. He has seen the frustrations of his sisters and understands women. He said he wanted children and thats his priority. None of them are true.
     
  8. mohini16

    mohini16 Silver IL'ite

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  9. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    Sorry to hear what you are going through. You were frank and stated your expectations, he knew what he was getting into and chose to lie. The decent thing to do was to let you know about his own nature.

    i would suggest therapy individually and/or couple.

    Forget what people say and judge. They aren’t living your life
     

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