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rotten marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by frustrated, Mar 22, 2007.

  1. frustrated

    frustrated New IL'ite

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    hi ,
    im a 28 yr old mom of a toddler who have been married for 5 yrs. we now are in the US. ours was an arranged marriage. the problem with my husband is he talks very less and he is addicted to the tv and computer and this has left me feeling left out. this started right from day one. he hardly finds time for me. at first i found this quite depressing and told him how i feel. he never utters a word back nor does he make attempts to change his behaviour. i thought it would change once we have kids but it didnot. growing up as an only kid i felt very lonely. i was a loner with very few friends. i hoped that this situation would change after marriage when i have some one share my feelings. but unfortunatly nothing changed. now i feel all the more depressed lonely and feel like i have nothing good to look forward to. i am bound to spend the rest of my life with a person who doesnt bother to care about my feelings. i am at home all day, there are no indians around and the only other adult human i get to see is my husband. i'll tell you how the typical day goes. he comes from office, change, asks me to make tea, switches on the tv and the laptop and stay on the couch all evening. dont think its an exageration. he hardly takes his eyes off the tv and laptop. there's hardly any conversion between us other than the routine whats for dinner.i am preparing for an exam despite of all odds. i hardly find time to study coz of my kid. so i find it impossible to clean the house daily. i find it too iritating when he questions about why i havent cleaned the room and the like. to sum it up we spend no time together, very little conversation, shows no intimacy( i used to hug,kiss etc when we were newly married. but he never reciprocated. so i no longer feel like doing it), no vaccation after having a kid. all my dreams about marriage and having a loving and dotting husband came crashing down after marriage.even though i have let him know how i feel, there has been no change from his side. i feel low most of the days and its affecting my preparation for exams. feel like im trapped in the cobweb of marriage without amy chances of escape and i have no one here to talk to. the thought that rest of my life is going to be this dry kills me. i find myself crying most of the days. what should be my stand now. could any experienced person advice.:icon_frown:
     
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  2. Vidya24

    Vidya24 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear friend,

    Welcome to Indusladies! Here, you are always among friends.

    I can very well imagine the situation that you are in vis a vis your husband and his silence. I know many indian husbands in the US and Europe, who will come from work, switch on the TV (not even watch,just change channels).Then simultaneously, boot the PC,play Solitaire.The wife would be longing for a kind word and companionship.

    So, first thing, pls understand that your problem is faced by many other migrant wives too. But then that does not solve your problem. I assume you have spoken to your husband clearly about this. Does he have any problem in office with his boss or peers? Living and working abroad can be such a strain at times. Talk to him and find out if his silence is due to some external problem in office or even among his parents and other relatives at home.

    Try to get him to spend quality time with the baby. Say that he has to give her a warm bath before she sleeps, that he should give her the night feed, that he has to tuck her in bed. He is a father, I am sure he loves his child and you very dearly.He is just incapable of showing it properly.

    Maybe you can try talking to a good counsellor to find a solution.

    Some men are just like that. I am not trivialising your problem, it is not easy to live a life w/o friends from our group. Still, place your faith in God and your husband. All will work out to your welfare.

    regards
    Vidya

    PS: if u dont mind, please change to your user ID from 'frustrated' to something more positive and cheerful. Positive vibes always work.
     
  3. frustrated

    frustrated New IL'ite

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    hi,
    forgot to mention that i had found him watching **** on the internet when we were newly weds. i didnt confront him about this or create havoc. instead i joked about it. i have no clue if he is continuing the same now. do u think this is some form of cheating or is it normal for married guys to watch ****. im not very comfortable with the idea though. just wondering.:icon_frown:
     
  4. kanaka Raghavan

    kanaka Raghavan IL Hall of Fame

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    dear friend Do not get frustrated. A frank talk with your husband would solve the problem.find out what his interests are.you can also develop some common platform where your interests merge. you can also pursue your husband to share quality with the baby.Meet a counsellor who would really help you out. do not lose hope. develop your personal interests. join a community centre where you can really help people who really need you. be positive . you are still young and you have a long way to go. hope changes everything in life so does complete faith in the lord above. Be cheerful. we are there to hear your problems and help you out. Keep in touch with your relatives and friends in India. Talking to them is anothe relief.So never lose heart at given time.We hope to see a more cheerful friend in few weeks time. yours affly kanaka raghavan:wave :wave :wave
     
  5. Vidya24

    Vidya24 Gold IL'ite

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  6. cheer

    cheer Silver IL'ite

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    I know how frustrated ure, but trust me this happened to everybody's life. First of all "If u don't change other, change urself". My hubby although don't watch **** etc etc, but he use to reading religious books after dinner, first i got very irritated that u didn't spend much time with me blah blah...........but then i found i thing we all should need our own private time. Like i luv to watch TV, listening music alone etc, same he also have some own habits. What i did-

    1) Change myself, instead of finding mistakes in him, try to find ur own mistakes, like instead of nagging him & pressurize him to sit besides u, give him some space. & try to divert ur mind whatever u like i.e watching movie, reading do it.

    2) Give him space

    3) Live ur life, don't think abt much, it will ruin ur life & health only, it doesn't effect him & u have kid, try to spend ur precious time with ur baby.

    4) What i learn if u complaning abt this everyday, he got irritate, no one help to change other until that men want to change himself.

    5) Read some inspirational books that will help U.

    & remember the story & happen in our life too, we'll try to do what was tell not to do. Becoz we all are stubban:wink: .

    Peace Lady!
     
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2007
  7. Kamla

    Kamla IL Hall of Fame

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    Hello to you,

    First things first. Like Vidya says, please do change your id name to 'hopeful' or something like that. That will be the first attack on your situation as it stands at present.
    I can understand your misery. You should never stop being optimistic and give up hope. Right now, I can clearly see that you are depressed. Depression brings your confidence down and makes you useless to function normally. Try to get out of that depressed mood as fast as you can.
    See it this way. I know you are going through troubled marriage. But think of others who are in a worse situation than you. You are living in the most happening city of the world where thousands want to be. So go out and get a life. You are 28, my, you are young. Also, you have a daughter. Right there, in your own house, you have a companion and friend growing up. Keep your own world as cheerful as you can. Like Vidya and Kanaka have said, join local communities ( go on web and find locations closest to you), join the library, which offer many activities and do consult a counselor. The last may not be possible if your husband does not oblige. Still, you should try and put up a fight for your happiness.
    As for your husband, he is more to be pitied. He does not seem to be aware of what he is losing out on. I think he is addicted in the true sense to his computer and tv and seems to derive all his pleasures from it. Now this is not to be taken lightly. Like alcohol addiction, this too is a disease. You should use all your intelligence and effort to distract him from it. But if he does not change, remember, he should not pull you down along with him. Let him be. Look after yourself and your child. Bring a world, a cheerful world for yourself and your daughter in as much as you can.
    Remember, you do have a home and shelter and a daughter. You are young and you are studying and improving your lot. Count all your blessings and dwell on them. MAKE friends and contacts.
    I am glad that you are in IL. You will always find moral support here.
    I wish you all the luck and my prayers are with you. Just don't feel that you do not have hope.
    When you are happy and cheerful, keep your home cheerful and lead an active life with your own daughter and friends, remember, even that husband of yours is bound to look up and seek your company....mark my words.

    L, Kamla
     
  8. cheer

    cheer Silver IL'ite

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  9. Skinny

    Skinny Guest

    hello friend

    I have been in the same situation too.I used to feel very depressed and very alone. Infact in the beginning I was even dependent on him for grocery shopping because i didn't drive to start with and he used to get very upset with me when I asked him to take me grocery shopping!
    1. When your husband gets back from work he probably likes to wind down and the way he does it is to switch the tv on..he doesn't want to get into any serious conversations to start with esp.not talk about work. So learn to give him time to wind down.
    2. Find programmes that both of you can watch together.When you spend time together even watching tv believe me you will eventually have something to say to each other.
    3.If possible make dinner time small talk time like tell him what happened in your day.You don't have to wait for him to ask you.Tell him what your kid did for the day.
    4.get involved outside home.do you send your kid for any activities??Meet other moms.Go to the park in the evenings and try to meet people.
    Lastly live your life to the fullest..he will eventually realise he is missing something and want to join you...
    Good luck
     
  10. sathya

    sathya Gold IL'ite

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    hello

    you are not the first one to complain.. most women do.. perhaps we need more attention and men less.. the book ...why men dont listen and women cant read maps... sure explains why.. in this forum varalotti has given a write up on the book.. perhaps u can understand better( women are the ones who have to understand...!!!)...get your interests organised.... spend more time with your kid...

    gurgles,lisps and mumbles
    can sure bring you some dimples..
    smile more often
    have a nice future



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    AND AT THE SAME TIME, MUST ALSO:

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    IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

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    HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

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    sathya
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 24, 2007

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