Root causes for unHappy Married Life

Hi Sweety,

My first thoughts are:

• The concept that after marriage the spouses are two bodies and "one" soul. This is fine upto an extent, but carried too far it can be quite stifling. No point forgetting that each spouse is an individual and there is a degree of personal privacy which needs to be respected even if that person is our spouse.
  
  
• Trying to impinge on the other person's personal freedom to be him/herself and pursuing his/her own interests to the point of demanding that the person share all his/her free time with you can lead to trouble. Each one needs some "me" time away from the spouse.

• Other than the above, generic problems such as not taking the time and effort to check out credentials, shared basic values (including general moral, financial values, principles etc.) and interests etc. can lead to friction in the long run. Bending backwards to accept the other's terms and conditions before marriage just so as to make sure the marriage takes place and ignoring the "n" number of red flags is the biggest source of problems later on.
  
  
• Having unrealistic expectations of the other person is one more on the list.

I shall not go into parental/familial intrusiveness on both sides, marrying to satisfy social demands (instead of personal need to marry), excessive demands from any one side, abusive behaviour etc. because these are the reasons we read about them everyday and there seems to be no point in repeating those.

 

Usually little girls are raised as a princess with no real knowledge of the outside world. So they walk from one house (completely sheltered by parents) into another without proper knowledge to fend for themselves. Street smarts cannot be taught in college. It is the duty of parents..

So in my opinion, the burden of change lies with the girls and their parents.

Raise confident and wise girls who know to handle themselves well in all kinds of situations and deal with difficult people. Marriage itself is hard and it will be too late learning these lessons now.

 

Dear sweetyk,

When I read such threads as u mentioned about unhappy marriages,abusive husbands, the very first question that comes into my mind is How do they get married? When u want to spend your whole life with someone how can one be so blind and deaf while choosing their life partner?
Do all these woman and their family fall in sweet manipulated words of the other party? Do people carry such Two faces and live their life? Whom should woman blame for abusive husband?????
Choosing a life partner is one of the most critical decisions we will ever make in life.......
As a woman, ideally, your life partner should be someone with whom you can share interests and who will encourage your independence. As with any relationship, friendship is the key. Good communication from the beginning will help ensure that yours is a lasting, loving partnership.You deserve to be with someone who is truly interested in making your relationship thrive. If you are mistreated or disrespected in any way, think twice before moving forward.Although researching the boy's background might seem painstaking, it is very important. People settle for less than what they want. Society puts a colossal pressure on people, especially women, to be married. Without a partner many people wonder “what’s wrong with her?”Because of society’s demands many make a decision to get married based on flawed reasoning: to have children, to not be alone, to find someone who fits an arbitrary mold or to satisfy their parents and society’s demands. If you are making a lifelong decision to meet ulterior motives, it’s not likely to bring to you much happiness. Making assumption instead of asking is big No No while selecting partner.

There is far too much emphasis on ‘weddings’ as opposed to ‘marriages.’ Wedding occurs on Day 1, but your marriage is every single day after that.

Match,set,go......easier said than done but for this one need to understand their partner better.

And one thing very important if you ever heard the sayings “We teach people how to treat us.”

As there is no perfect wife or perfect husband, there is no perfect marriage either. Success of marriage is in mutual understanding and acceptance, and also in mutual love and respect.

To make your marriage a success; just believe in the age-old virtue,
“Never do anything to others that you don’t like for yourself”.

 

dear op,

in my view to make marriage a success, the couple should understand each other like a friend understands...

one must be aware of ego issues and ensure that these will not lead to frictions between them...

all the differences should be resoved through mutual understanding and discussions...involving third person in the disputes between couple should be avoided...

respect each others opinions and recognise the other person's freedom in conducting their life if it is not affecting the spouse and others...

love and care for spouse will go long way in making the marriage a success...

 

I think insecurity, mistrust, unrealistic expectations and lack of understanding play a major role in unhappy married life! And they all are interlinked. I will add a few points to what Satchita and Eandian said.

1. Insecurity & mistrust - In most of the situations insecurity and mistrust is shown from MIL & ILs and a couple's relationship is affected. MIL has the insecurity that her son is taken and now she will have no control over him, this results in emotional and verbal abuse for the DIL and when MIL involves her DS in this emotional drama and tantrums of hers, things become worse. Guys who understand that their mothers are behaving insecure can cope up with this situation and make things easy for their wives, but it hardly happens. Most of the sons give in to their mother's emotional drama and support their mothers, distrusting their wives, which creates differences between DH and DW.
2. Unrealistic expectations - Most of the girls end up facing unrealistic expectations from their ILs/DH. If you are not allowed to be what u are and u are required to behave in a certain way, not allowed ur personal choices, it results in making u feel frustrated and unhappy. A DIL is expected to behave like a DD but she is not entitled to a mother. She is not allowed to meet her family/parents or is asked to behave/act in certain ways which builds up resentments. Also at times in some rare cases both DH & DW have unrealistic expectations from each other like DH's idea of having a homely wife, or wife's idea of living freely, no interference from ILs, spending as they want etc. etc. such unrealistic expectations of a couple also lead to conflicts and fights.
3.Lack of Understanding - Many times ppl fail to understand differences in their personalty, way of thinking with that of their spouse. The cultural background, family values, traditions and lifestyles differ, and if the couple is not understanding each other's point of view and is not accommodating/adjusting to other's way of thinking, fights are inevitable. Communication and tolerance to views of your better half is crucial. Everyone needs their personal space and lack of understanding with unrealistic expectations create major differences and issues in married life which end up in unhappy people.

"What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how
compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility."
Leo Tolstoy

So, I feel that in a marriage what matters most is that how amiably we deal with differences in mindset of each other and the insecurity to face such differences..

 

Hi eandian, I liked ur reply to this thread. What you have said is very true. Parents should teach their girls to be confident and less emotional.But this last sentence of yours, left me wondering..

Confident and Wise girls who know to handle themselves well and deal with difficult ppl will be labelled as being arrogant and egotic isnt it? This is one of the main reasons we see so many painful threads here. We are afraid of the social set up i feel. And if the girl is working and she decides to stand up for herself by going for a one-n-one, she is branded as being arrogant because of the money she gets. Also, the H wont like it when his lovely wife is talking back to his parents!! So isnt it the duty of the inlaws also to stop judging the DIL and avoid poking their nose into everything the DIL does, because thats where the need for one-on-one/arguements comes...

I feel marriage must happen between ppl who want companionship and togetherness . Even if one person just marries for the sake of his family or other reasons, it is bound to develop problems as they go along. And both the ppl involved must be willing to support each other's interest to the best extent possible without involving too many ppl (parents/inlaws/siblings) in the scene. Life will surely not be so rosy as the initial days of marriage as they go along, but both should have the perseverance to look forward to better days and not let one bad day shake the roots of marriage. They should instead work on making the bond stronger by providing a fair chance to each other and respect each other's individuality.

 

Hi, Good Thread.

People are often unhappy when one of their partners are

Misers/Stingy
Financially Controlling
Disrespect the Spouse
Doesn't Appreciate the Spouse
Egoistic Man who is cold to his wife but nice to others
Reserved/Non-Talkative/Very Silent Partners who don't wish to share anything with their spouse.
Badmouthing the Spouse's parents (No matter how bad they are, calling them names and talking ill of the mil or fil will cause bitterness in the relationship)

Things to do for a Happy Marriage

Avoid Talking Ill of your In-laws. Even if they are evil, its better you vent it out with your close friends rather than pointing it out to your spouse. After all your spouse is their son/daughter. Maybe if you are upset with their behavior, you can say I felt bad rather than calling out "I hate your mom".

Don't say Negative things about your own Family - Most of the women convey every single happening in their house to their husband. Many spouses take it for granted and bring it back when there is a dispute.

Spend Quality Time with your Partner - Take time to go out for a walk or park or for a movie with your partner. Or even sit back and watch a tv show with your spouse. Make sure you have some quality time with your spouse at least once in a week.

Have some Self-Respect - Don't encourage any verbal abuse or physical abuse from your partner. Curb the abuse in the right beginning. If your partner calls you names, its better you give them cold treatment or silent treatment for a few days. Otherwise, you will be taken for granted. In any relationship, self respect is very important or else you will lose your dignity. Many of them intend to fight back and calling names, however this may aggravate problems.

Take Care of yourself - No matter how hard is your work life, make sure to take good care of yourself. A simple routing like exercising in the morning, keeping up with the diet and brushing before heading to bed, dressing up well even if you are a stay at home person is very important.

Have Hobbies for Yourself - Develop hobbies for yourself. This will help in keeping yourself occupied when your partner is busy. It will also give you a good feeling. Reading self development books, motivational stories, autobiographies can be a great thing to do. Learning some new course or craft work is also a wonderful way to pass time and keep yourself busy.

Don't be Money hungry - Watching over money and tracking each and every spending of the spouse (particularly when they buy something for their family members) is a big threat to the emotional connection between the partners. No man or woman will appreciate if you control them from buying something for their parents or siblings.

Believe in God - Leave the negative traits of your partner to God and ask him to transform your spouse into a loving person. Meditating on God will give you mental peace.

 

QUOTE=bril;2211496]Hi eandian, .........But this last sentence of yours, left me wondering..

Confident and Wise girls who know to handle themselves well and deal with difficult ppl will be labelled as being arrogant and egotic isnt it? This is one of the main reasons we see so many painful threads here. We are afraid of the social set up i feel. [/QUOTE]

Completely agree.

Sometimes we are more concerned about the labels from inlaws that we start sacrificing one small bit of our self respect bit by bit slowly and continously (hoping that it will be the last one) that after a few years, we find that we have completely lost our identity.

 

Root Causes of Unhappy Marriages in India:-

is

in-laws in-laws and in-laws

atleast in 80% of cases, no need for survey, even if you do survey in indusladies threads itself, you will get that proof, its in-laws trouble in majority of cases.

Rest are cheating & abuse from husband

and hardly in 2% cases it could be wife's fault.