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Romance after Marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by NikhatSadir, Feb 3, 2010.

  1. NikhatSadir

    NikhatSadir New IL'ite

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    I got married in Oct 2008, Love marriage, me and my spouse dated for 5 years before we got married.
    It was a great struggle to convince our parents and get married, we were very happy to get married in spite of all the odds.

    My husband was very romantic before we got married. And Suddenly after we got married he has changed, he is very weird,
    No romance, no attraction at all.. its been more than 1 year since we got married. I am trying to keep patience, that may be he will change.

    But nothing has changed. He is in his own world.. I have communicated to him all this lot of times.. that why is romance not part of married life?
    But he doesn’t have any answer for this… I am a very romantic person.. I can’t live in such a weird way for the rest of my life.. and its only 2 of us in the house..
    I tried all the possible ways to get back to what he was.. but its just not happening.. looks like life cannot get back in the normal state.. Sometimes I feel that I am not living with a male in house.

    Because of all this.. I am getting attracted randomly to other men.

    Can there be any solutions, by which my husband can get back to normal old state?
    or is it normal romance is not a part of married life?

    Regards
    Nikhat
     
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  2. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    dont come to any haste decisions NikhatSadir
    i guess its common men take us for granted once we are married
    when i asked my dh once he said before marriage hardly we used to meet may be 2 times a a month that too chupke chupke so there was thrill now you are with me all the time
    but i feel sometimes its tiredness
    even i am working ,sometimes due to tiredness and hectic work i just would prefer to sleep
    so just ask him whats the problem
    if he is tired or someother issues at work or any health issues first
     
  3. NikhatSadir

    NikhatSadir New IL'ite

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    Thanks Lavii for your response.. But even if he is not tired.. he is lost that nature of beeing romantic.... and it get too boaring to live with him..

    You are right.. he too said this " now you are with me all the time, so its different".. But what dose this mean? Dose this mean.. that it was better not to get married.. and just live?

    I am really confused with this statement of men.. if we are taken for granted.. then i just feel like leaving him and going for a trip.. alone..

    It really gets too frustrating some times.. he is same on all the days be it weekend of weakdays.. of holidays...​
     
  4. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Nikhat, you were lucky enuff to have romance for atleast 5 yrs of life..

    I think as boys when they woo gals they become the most attractive/ sort out alliance.
    However if they do all this post marriage.. others tag them as biwi ka gulaam.

    However I have seen enuff marriages where the spouses are romantic even after marriage.
    I was very clear that romance/ love is not a part of marriage & infact my husband was shocked when I asked him how do you display love/ romance after marriage & that its definitely not a part of an arranged marriage? To this he replied.. why there's loads of love in arranged marriages to... maybe living under one roof is definition of love for him.:rant. Initially I did tell him wht all things can tell me that he cares for me.. he did it.. however thats also now totally gone.
     
  5. quincyagain

    quincyagain Junior IL'ite

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    Romance....whats that dear? my life is just to run behind in everything....romance is null that to when he is around is all times glued to his laptop, excuse is that he is sending emails to his team even at night 11:30. mine too is a love marriage, my husbands this kind of behavior is not new for me. very sad to say but truth is i have been living this loveless life for 10 yrs now....

    So my advice to u is talk to ur hubby and let him know that you are not happy without the romance in ur life act fast before you turn back, u would have reached ur 10th yr of married life .
     
  6. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    OP, to drift apart in marriage is almost certain for most, may be all the romance was done in 5 years before marriage as you claim, after marriage, things change, we grow older too, you will not be what you were 10 years before and same with your DH, proximity and 24*7 is another cause of losing interest, if fights and arguments are happening after marriage, romance will take a back seat, its a catch 22 situation for most. Even if you talk to your DH about loveless marriage, he wont be able to do anything as emotions cannot be brought based on conversation...he has to realise and amend a little bit to make you feel better, and on other hand you have to discount romance a bit looking at the fact that it cannot be in air all the time when DH is at home.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2010
  7. Sunny3

    Sunny3 New IL'ite

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    Agree with Tridev here.
    Yeah, you also have to realise that romance cannot always be there whenever dh is around and he also needs to make an effort toward keeping it at least sometimes.

    While you were not married and were in the process of getting your way convincing parents, all the time your only GOAL , for both of you, was to become ONE. And now when that is achieved, there is no GOAL to work so vigorously towards, so you look back and see those days as romantic,loving moments than now. But, realize one thing that this is new life, you are married now and it takes lot of effort from both side to keep the spark up in marriage. Don't compare your dating days to present days. In future, kids will be there and then again you will see that whatever time you have for each other now, even that will become scarce then.
    So, IMO...take each stage of life as it is and stop comparing with the past.

    :thumbsup
    Sunitha
     
  8. ajain35

    ajain35 Senior IL'ite

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    Well before marriage he was giving you all the attention trying to impress you. You were enjoying those moments when he used to miss you and you felt as if you were at the top of the world.

    After marriage nothing of this sort. And you want to feel the same high and attention he once wanted to give you.

    My suggestion: pack your bag...leave for your parents for a week... alone. He should be left alone for some time. If he goes to some friends place or his mother's then that may/may not work. But do tell him in advance and the reason for visit should be told as "a casual visit". Try not to contact him unless emergency arises.

    In all probability, he will give you same attention once you return, atleast for few days/hours. I hope you do few things which he doesn't and for which he will miss you, like cooking tasty food or taking good care of the house. And hope your hubby is not someone who will go after another woman in your absence.

    I have seen it working for some people.

    -AJ
     
  9. GiJoe

    GiJoe Silver IL'ite

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    Nikhat,

    Can you define what romance means to you little more detail, what kind of changes are you specifically seeing in your DH after the marriage.
     
  10. cutekid

    cutekid Silver IL'ite

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    Nikhat,

    I think so it all happens at one point of time.When I was dating my hubby we used to talk on phone for hours,send many sms's,We dont do that now.After so many years its not that our love has reduced but the way of expressing it has changed.
    If he gets u a suprise gift on ur Bday or anniversary or plan something nice for both of u,that is also romance.When we are young we dont have to think of carrier,money stability etc....but at this point we have to think of all this & many more tensions.
    U can add some spice to ur life by giving some pleasant surprises....or arranging some candle lite dinner at home.whoever takes the effort but if u both get happiness out of it is more than enough.All the best.
     

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