Roles and Boundaries of extended families

thank you rama
i shall write some time later at the moment I,m busy .was reading cancer and cancer was getting a bit depressed so clicked indusladies after minimizing that window,dead lines are stressful and also to write I need to be in the correct frame of mind so sorry dear may be next week.so long until then
love gita

 

Dear Srama,
Casually I came across the snippet'roles and boundaries of extended families' and the elaborate responses from Viji, Periamma, Gita Sharma and so many others.
In those days joint family system was the accepted norm in most of the houses.I was brought up in a joint family. My father was the only earning member.He had two brothers with 6 children each and on the whole we were 18 children. As though this is not enough, my widowed athai was living with us.Another athai deserted by her husband came home with 5 children.There were more than 30 members. As children we had a nice time. I have seen my amma either in the kitchen or grinding kilos of rice in manual grinder stone. somebody would feed, somebody would plait our hair.We were scolded unnecessarily by any one.
Simultaneouly five or six cloth swings would be hanging in various places.No diaper era.It is natural to have stinking urine smell of children all around.
Morning to night earthen ovens ( aduppu)will be burning.Idlies and dosas have to be made in hundreds.
As there was no electric supply, we had three big lanterns, which have to be cleaned by us with vibhuthi daily before dusk. One will be in the kitchen, Another will be hanging in the hall. The third one was stated to be for reading,but that will be shifted for being used to take out to the backyard for persons attending to call of nature.
Love, affection will be there with grudges, jealousy and pain. For girls, education was not considered a must.Invariably if we sisters were found studying, my cousin brothers would snatch away the lantern and comment" asthough you are going to become an IAS officer"
For well to do families with lot of agricultural income with a palacial house ,living with host of relatives and playing with cousins would be endearing and enjoyable.But people like us who lived in thatched houses with meagre income supplemented by sale of milk,coconuts and cowdung cakes,everyday was a torture.
Amma used to sell some ten measures of rice and tens of coconuts to manage sundry expenses such as purchasing of pencil, rubber etc .
Children for our part used to make thatched roofing materials 9(Keetru mudaithal)during summer to replace the roofing every two years before rainy season.
The financial strain made us learn handmurukku making.During Apr, Maythere will be lot of weddings in neighbouring houses.We used to make seer murukku and get Rs2/-to meet our school expenses.
There will be some function or other, valaikappu, seemantham, ayush homam etc.Amma will be the chief cook, assisted by aunts/cousins.
among 18 cousins, five were on the top of the class, many were moderate and a few were below average.
There would be unnecessary hurting remarks on the well doing children by the mothers of average performers and deep hits on the head were expected if you get first rank. My mother used to weep in silence when I got general proficiency prize for three continuous years and hugged me secretly when nobody saw.I could never forget the day when she kissed my hands and my periamma started scolding her.
As the old grandma was the chief, nobody could disobey her.
Amma was an expert in handling deliveries, as there were no hospitals nearby.
She had studied only upto 3rd standard but her aptitude for maths was extra ordinary. She solved so many complicated puzzles by writing on the cemented backyard or cowshed.
During a sumangali prarthanai function , my sister suddenly developed labour pains. My Amma who was preparing athirasam, put off the kiln, conducted a safe delivery at the bathroom of the house and the pooja was deferred by three hours.
On another day, my amma was preparing idlies in the kitchen. My cousin, full term pregnant exhibited signs of delivery, without any pain, as she was eating idlies. My mother ordered me to bring scissors and placed the scissors into the boiling water of the idli pot, drove the eating children out , and as I was witnessing the girl baby came out of the birth canal and it took some time for us to come out of tension.
My mother had handled many such situations with much presence of mind -which she had acquired from the sufferings of joint family system.
There was lesson out of tuff experience.
My athai was married at the age of 6 .The boy aged 10 died out of Ptyphoid, for which there was no treatment those days. The girl who was playing'pandy' at the front yard was dragged inside and tonsured on the 10th day.
For us going to school was a torture and getting good marks was all the more disturbing.
Rarely on a few occasions there will be fun and laughter ,otherwise my experience in the joint family system was terrible and fearsome. No individual thinking, no freedom of thought.But all aunts and cousins took liberty to heap insults which we ,being girls, bore silently.
Last few years they had electric current but could not buy fan.They spent the enire life waving a palm leaf fan in their hands.
My amma's desire in her death bed was " I wish to have a small room of my own, where I can stretch my legs freely and sleep by spreading my nine yds saree on the floor".
She passed away without her dreams being fulfilled.She very often advised us to keep every one at arms length and not give up personal space .She could talk hours together about freedom, which she never enjoyed ,in the joint family system, especially in a poverty driven atmosphere.
Any seeming cooperation is a waste, if the sentiments of the inmates. specially women and children are not respected.But for the outer prakaram of Akhilandeswari Temple I would never have got high marks in the University exam, living in a house without electricity.
There is no doubt that we should respect elders,have a congenial relationship with kith and kin, ;but too much proximity breeds contempt.It is better children are left to the care of parents who know the ins and outs, strength and weakness of the children and mend them accordingly.
Personally I feel that disintegaration of joint family system has enabled individuals to become more responsible and decisive in the absence of non interference by extended families.

Jayasala 42

 

I have good memories of visiting my mamaji's house for long vacations as a child. Loved the days spent ,but can't say my mamiji would feel the same about those long vacations of too many people living at their place.

Childhood memories are usually sweet.

 

As children many love to have people around them, talk, chat and dine.when a child receives a threat or abuse from some person other than parents, children slowly start hating them.I have never heard of the word'extended family'or equivalent Tamil word in Tamil. In those days it was common to identify a relation as' ennudaiya periya paattiyum avaludaiya athaiyum aththanga, ammanga uravu'( Do you understand anything?)
It is fine as long as one does not interfere in education,personal habits and ranks and marks.It will be nice to have a get together during weddings and get reminded of old days. But when either being not selected for promotion or reasons for not settling marriages because of dark complexion,making comments on intelligence of children etc by distant relatives--etc are being discussed in public by extended relatives as a matter of sympathy,one feels that we need not have relationship at all.Interference by extended family members is itself a gossip damaging the esteem.
No doubt, as Cheeniya said in some north Indian Rajput families they say they have gained a lot.
But extended relationship, when affects the financial crisis, it will certainly end up in misunderstanding.So many civil suits are pending for tens of years,the cause being extended family issues.

In the present situation of all houses getting converted into complexes ,we cannot hope to have extended family members even if we really want to have .
when you observe from near quarters-love, affection, cooperation etc among extended family members remain a farce and foisted one in majority of cases.We cannot generalise on the basis of random examples.
jayasala 42