rich , independent but Emptiness inside

iman · Jul 30, 2013

Friends,

I have been silent reader of this thead and really your all ladies are giving superb advices in various problems that sometime give us solutions in our day to day life. :thumbsup.

Today I want to pour my thoughts and would like to hear your suggesions. My husband is practical and hard to please him.
I am working lady and second wife with no kids, no parents (infertility issues - FSH is turned now 28) I always confuse shoud i try for a kid in my life ( like IVF,surrogacy or adoption) as I feel alone with no one in my life so dearest for whom I live and feel worth of my life. Even with kids how many we ladies are happy ?

After so many struggles in my life , we both get married 7 years back. My husband is rich. He has kids living with her mother , everymonth my hubby send them alimony and when we go India full baggages of items of his kids from socks to cap as even I don't mind as its his responsibility. But out of full bag of choclates almost 99% for them and rest for my fridge and even I buy from my money for my few relatives he feel why to give them So I am not in mood also to visit because its his life only, his decision and his previous kids,his and kids home, Where is my stand ? I cannot say him also (as It will turn big fight)
If i get for my siblings he says ,you are becoming foolish by giving things to them. If I ask him any clarification or questions he laughs and says "never say a word about my kids everything belongs to them and never interfere in my matters".

He bought one property for me but always says me after you its belongs to them so pls. tell me what should I reply I am not materialistic but his actions making me to think and I started to disliking his kids in my heart.

I am also earning and independent , he rarely buy things for me & says you have your money buy your things . Sometimes he bought some clothes for me while he is on his Business tour. He has too much bank balance but I don't know anything how much and what he do.All the property and money belongs to his kids as he always mention me. I agree even my death who cares about money but it hurts sometime that its not money it shows the value and worth of our existense in my husband life.

I am always confused should I go to gynec doctor or not ? After seeing all conditions, age and nature of my husband I don't want a child but once again of my loneliness just now I went to doctor he came with me but he is not active v.v.passive , in his view if it happens good and not happen also good. ( because he never put his views and open feelings to me so how I know what he wants) if he will say "yes " or "no" it will be his reponsbility and may in future there will be chances to blame him so he never discuss any matter to me clearly. Only day to day (what to eat , what to bring in gorcery thats all our talking limited). After sonography doctor told me your FSH is high then again i dropped idea to get baby after lots of physical and mental difficulties. When we go to payment counter he told me give your bank card and pay them.

Till now all of his acts I always forgiving him, when i read advices in this site to forgive our husband not because of him but ourselves and our happiness, but You know what my husband thinks of my this forgiving attitude "again you will come to me hahaha and will become normal",

I am independent, earning and saving my earned money , no any other problems but lack of belonginess, no roamance ( after so much bitterness and arguments with him till now I am unable now to give him love and heartily respect) no love and loneliness in life kills me. Pls. tell me what should I do to give my life meanigful and happy ?

luckysangeetha · Jul 30, 2013

u have done all but did u talk all these to your hubby? leave his kids did u ask him and express ur feeling of loneliness to him?

Dinny · Jul 30, 2013

Dear OP

Let me tell you if he buys things for his children then you cant blame him.He meets them once in a year right?
But tell me frankly do you really feel theres anything left in your relationship?
That guy doesn't care for you at all.He is not even interested in having a baby with you.Money doesn't matter but then I hated the way he asked you to pay doctors bills.
If you want to save your relationship then talk to him about these issues.

And if possible join some yoga classes,go out for walks with your friends, join some hobby classes....you wont be able to conceive if you are so stressed.

poojachinoy · Jul 30, 2013

dear OP,

its not his kids...its your relationship that needs to be taken a stand upon...

work on these issues before conceiving...he is making you pay for all your basic needs...so there is no sense of responsibility he feels towards you...plus asking you to pay the doctors bill for having a child together just shows that,even if you have a kid,it will be your responsibility on the major part.

the guy already has kids...his need of belongingness and love as a father are already being met...he is not interested in having kids with you at this point of time.

better have an open talk about the finances and division of responsibility before moving forward.what he is doing for his kids from first wife is his matter...but he not giving you your rights is definitely an issue to be talked upon.

when you have a talk about him dont make it seem to be about his kids..because it is not..touch the core issues of his waiving off his responsibilty towards you as a wife and would be mother to his kids(?)

upavi · Jul 30, 2013

Tight hugs to u....did he marry u jus for the sake of cooking& doing other household works...its not kids or money, its relationship which should be valued. Please talk to him.

satchitananda · Jul 30, 2013

Iman, you need to evaluate one simple question - what is your position and value in your husband's life? Does he really need you? Have you asked him why he has married you?

If you want an honest opinion, the way you have described things, no way you should even consider having kids with him. You first need to be confident of your own relationship with him. Otherwise you need to be in a position to free yourself of a non-relationship. Don't bring kids into such an equation yet.

If you genuinely feel that there is no hope of a good, healthy, meaningful relationship with him where there is mutual respect, then you need to consider moving on in life.

Wondergirl137 · Jul 30, 2013

Hi OP,
How long have you known your husband? Is he the responsible types? From what I read, he seems to be the kinds who don't like being responsible for serious stuff in life. Getting gifts for kids once in an year is not the epitome of fatherly love/responsibility. Is he equally involved (even if its remotely as I understand you guys are abroad and kids in India) in their studies and other growing up activities. If no, then its clear that he is the kinds who are forever kid themselves and would do anything to not get into intense relationships/responsibilities. Its easier to shower kids with gifts etc once in an year but its tough to be involved in their growing up years. And, if he is really really emotionally involved with kids and their growth,then communicate,talk to him and make him see how you feel about this.
Good Luck!

flowerlady · Jul 30, 2013

Dear OP,
It appears that your DH is not a family man, he conveniently left his wife and kids at home and married you. Now he is not interested in having kids with you as he doesn't need more.
Maybe he considers you to be a 'trophy wife', arm candy not to be taken seriously .
He seems to be a insensitive selfish person happy having his own way.
Most probably you could not see his real persona earlier as you were too much in love.

The problem lies with the man not his kids, poor things are growing up without their father ,let them have goodies once a year.
Its good that he is focusing on his kids and not looking at greener pastures, thankfully you are rich and working.

shama146 · Jul 30, 2013

Don't be bothered about his kids. they are his responsibility.
Never make the mistake of bringing a baby in this troubled relationship. Thank God that u don't have a liability and can take any steps in future.
Now to me also ur hubby seems to be a very selfish man, who had already left his first wife. he doesn't want a kid with you. this should have been an eye opener for you, as to how much he loves you. He just wants a slave who should serve him and satisfy him in bed.
talking/communicating hardly have any impacts on persons like him. But still tell him day and night how you feel in this relationship. Just bear few more months and see whether things are going in right direction or not.
You are financially independent, so don't be afraid to take any steps in life if things are not improving.

hotchillipepper · Jul 31, 2013

Why he wants to book the house on your name when its not really on your name! Tell him flat no when he proposes such things. Sorry to say but IMO you are his Least maintenance standby car, which fills its fuel, does its own washing,goes to service station and pays for its own parking and he can just ride on whenever he wants. you deserve more respect then that and he is obliged to give it. Ask him why did he marry you at the first place when you dont receive any respect/acknowledgement/love from him!