Respond To Silent Treatment With More To Fix It?

ILs, I am really looking for your wise counsel here. But also for some sympathy because I am going through a tough time in my relationship.

Have been married 20+ years. Empty nesters. When we were dating, my then fiancée would sometimes stop talking to me for days when he was angry with me. And I had to apologize a lot before he would slowly start. He would be very artificial for a couple of days even after that. I was very immature back then and didn't realize this would become a theme in our marriage. I should have shut it down right there and probably quit the relationship if he didn't get better. But no, I was an idiot and I married him despite this behavior. I hoped he would get better. But nothing changed.

Here is how it goes:

He suddenly stops talking properly to me > I ask what's wrong > he says nothing is wrong > I ask again after a few hours > still nothing > then after a day or so of this game, he says something that reveals his mind > of course I argue my point > leads to more silence > at times, he hasn't spoken to me for more than a week. When I was younger, I would cry, beg, plead and always apologize for something that I wasn't even sure was a mistake. Just so he would start talking. His punishment worked well for him. He didn't have to change anything.

He also does this when I bring up an issue or a need. Same journey. I bring up an issue > he says he isn't doing anything wrong goes silent > waits until I get back to normal on my own. Never fixes an issue.

Unfortunately, I cannot divorce him because of many reasons, cultural, societal and familial. So please don't suggest that. It won't help me and I will feel more stuck.

Coming to my question - Nowadays, when he starts this, I disengage from him completely and stop saying anything nice. I put on the same sour face he does and act just as pissed off as he is. I don't beg or plead or apologize. Even when I sense that he wants to start talking, I extend it. Let's say he recovers after a week and slowly starts being somewhat normal, I purposely don't engage for one more week. All this makes me very uncomfortable because I have never given the silent treatment before in my life and can't take silence for too long. But I still do it because if in his mind, that is punishment, then it is the only way he can be punished for his behavior. How else do I punish someone who doesn't care about anything else?

All this is super immature, I know. But if he is trying his best to hurt me and punish me for trivial reasons, I cannot be a martyr or a doormat. I feel a strong need to show him that I can play his game too. And my hope is that he realizes his mistake and stops this abusive behavior once and for all. TBH, the frequency of his silent treatment has reduced since I have started doing this. He seems to hesitate to go into this mode more than he used to before. May be age too. Could also be that he cares less. Whatever.

I know all this isn't healthy but let's say my goal is to help stop the pattern, is this pay-back-in-the-same-coin strategy the right response? Please advise!

 

Super helpful, ladies, thank you!! Appreciate all the thoughts including the random thoughts

I think going about my life as usual is great advice and I really want to do it but my hesitation is whether I am telling him I am ok with him ignoring my needs?

Want to explain the situation more: I told him a couple of weeks ago that he doesn't talk to me much. He denied it initially as always and then finally said "You talk too much about your work and I don't want to hear it". [This was very hurtful because one, that's not true, we do talk about everything under the sun and two, I love my work so blocking off that part of me and pussyfooting around that topic seems weird and unfair. If we start having all these taboo topics as spouses, what's the point in a marriage?]. And when I said that hurt me, he stopped talking. He wasn't willing to engage further or listen. Then in a few days, he wanted to go back to normal as evidenced by his "normal tone" responses to my routine questions such as "Shall we eat dinner?". I was very angry that he typically disengages when I express a need and then wants to pretend as if nothing happened. Hence started my own silent treatment. It has been longer than ever because nowadays I am a bit more emotionally disengaged like you ladies said and I am able to go about my life doing my own thing. So ignoring him doesn't take much effort.

Now I do want to take your advice and start talking. But if I do that, I know he will consider it as me giving in and I worry that I will be conditioning him even more to ignore my needs. How do I back off gracefully now that I have started it and yet make a strong point? I know for sure that he isn't going to venture anything on his own to break this. So it will have to be me. And secondly, any advice to get used to the whole don't talk about your work thing? He has never been supportive of my career, but this seems like too much.