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Resentment And Anger For Mother

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Whyme20, Feb 24, 2020.

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  1. deepthyanoop

    deepthyanoop Gold IL'ite

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    Dear,
    That's the beauty of this forum. There will always be some ( if not all) who gets what you are saying.. You can always share your thoughts and emotions here. I wish you all the happiness and peace you seek.
     
    Amica, Whyme20 and Rihana like this.
  2. heron

    heron Platinum IL'ite

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    Sigh.. there are many things in your post which could make up a deep issue in themselves.

    Your mother had a ton to deal with everything around rusting her away. She had her own mess running. Yet, children can never understand some of these big people problems. They are only equipped to get few of them.
    Seeing your mum with someone else... gosh that single thing is capable of slitting a child's heart apart; how ever practical you may want to stretch; the child just wont get it!.

    I am sorry you are carrying so much of heavy memories.. however, because you are a grown woman now may be you can forgive her for some?... Not sure if you can but I want to suggest this for your sake;it will be easier to have a better relation with your mum at least from now on.
     
    Whyme20 and Roar like this.
  3. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Amica, Whyme20 and Rihana like this.
  4. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    @Whyme20 so glad to hear that @Amica and @Angela123 's posts reached and touched you so much. Your thank you post actually is so heartfelt , it revealed so much of your pain and explained your situation -- more than anger, the pain of neglect and the longing for your mother's love.
    Hope you find your peace and heal . Take care !
     
    Amica likes this.
  5. Raffaello

    Raffaello Silver IL'ite

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    Really happy that you got your closure of warmth from fellow friends, try to give what was never bestowed upon you.. You're a wonderful mother.. Stay blessed..
     
    Amica likes this.
  6. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    @Whyme20 - I’ve neither been in your exact situation nor am a professional. Please disregard if this isn’t relevant.

    Regardless of the support you get online, your wounds are deep and you haven’t reached any measure or solace yet. I think you need to continue seeing a therapist. Regardless of culture, family dynamics, things that moms do are sort of similar. Maybe that particular therapist wasn’t a good fit. And please don’t be embarrassed seeing an Indian therapist. They probably will get it better. You need the therapist, please don’t be hesitant to get the one that will work for you.

    Regarding your brother and his anger issues, he’s an adult. He’s been an adult for years now. If he still thinks your mom has a big role to play in his issues, he needs to distance himself and also get himself completely evaluated. It’s probably not beneficial to place the blame on the mother and continue down the path he’s currently on. It’s going to be very hard to accept as an adult that he has to own up his problems and needs evaluations. As Indians we see mental health issues of any kind as a stigma. From what little you have mentioned, he needs real help and only trained psychiatrists and psychologists will be able to help him. If you feel like your mom has failed him, instead of going down the rabbit hole which won’t help him in any way, can you encourage him to find solutions? There is only this much that untrained people like siblings and fathers can do. Have him get the help he needs. It may even help you in some way because doing something to help him and being a little involved in his well being may give you some measure of closure or control. A part of your issue maybe that you both have lasting damage done and you have no control over that. If both of you take small steps to heal and if you help him, you will still probably have anger and not reach a level of forgiveness but you maybe able to reach a level of acceptance. You both clearly haven’t been able to do that.

    Seek professional help for more clarity. It also helps talking to professionals about exactly what you want. Your session goals can be acceptance instead of exploring your feelings further or completely putting it in the past. You know exactly what you feel, the exploration isn’t even needed in my opinion. Even with acceptance your good days will outnumber the bad. Hopefully in time, you will be able to minimize the bad days to a few here and there.

    It’s impossible to completely forgive and not have it come up ever again. Grief is cyclical. It ebbs and flows and happens in waves. Sometimes seeing things online can be a trigger. The goal should be to make the highs stick longer than the lows.
     
    EightKittens, Amica, Whyme20 and 2 others like this.
  7. Whyme20

    Whyme20 Silver IL'ite

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    @Laks09 thank you so much for the insight. I totally understand what you mean and it resonates really well. From past a few months I have spent quite some time on this issue. It's crazy when you feel the loss but you don't what you have lost. Now I also know what I should expect of therapy. I was trying hard to find some strong ground under my feet. Previous therapist did her best to help but I guess I was not so open for help at that time. I will try it with a more open mind this time and yes surely with a new therapist. Regarding my brother yes he has to see things from a new angle. It feels like a life times work for him but I guess he has to walk his walk, but I am always there for him to listen with an open heart without being judgemental. I think being a man doesn't help much, because men have different way of processing emotions. Thank you very much for your wisdom filled post.

    I read all the posts to my thread again today, to those who have suggested that I should forgive and move on, that's the milestone where I am hoping to reach, probably when the right time comes it will happen, but still at this point it feels like way to go.

    Those who have said I sound like a spoilt brat, unreasonable and making my mom a scapegoat you don't know the pain of neglect and abuse happened in childhood, its very different from abuse and neglect in adulthood. We are very sympathetic towards this when it comes from a Dil but when it comes from a child to her mother we have different view. It's an online forum only so much can be described in the threads, we all are mature and have our own battles to fight with, if we can't be empathetic and show some kindness then there is no point being judgemental towards someone's pain. A very valuable lesson life has taught me is that if you can't help someone in a positive way, at least listen with an open heart and if you can't do that as well then just don't be there. I look a very strong, practical and focused woman from the outside but on the inside IAM badly torn and shattered trying to comfort my inner child. Sometimes it takes only a few words to make or break someone and it's very important to use those words carefully with compassion.

    Thank you so much to all of you for your help and time.

    @Laks09 , @Amica , @Angela123 yours words will stay very close to my heart. Thank you so much.
     
  8. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    I am sorry for making you feel bad. That wasn't the intent. It may be right that I could not understand your predicament. I grew up amongst difficulties with nary a "I love you" or free hugs. I saw my parents love through actions far and few. I saw their love in the education they gave me, the clothes my mom stitched for me with her sarees, the food, whether liked by me or not, she kept on the table every day without fail despite how she felt. The strictness, the scoldings and comparisons, all that I hated when I was younger, I saw as manifestations of their worry for their 3 girls. I know they love me despite them not being warm in our "modern" sense.

    Unless anyone's actions are outright malicious, I learnt to forgive them and accept the actions by thinking that it's what they know and think is the the right way. If intent is right, ways can be forgiven.

    When you said "hate" towards mom, I just couldn't understand since you never mentioned any of her actions that seemed bad to me. Hate is a really strong word too.
    You certainly have a right to your feelings. Hope you will be able to forgive your mother soon, for your sake than anything else.
     
    Laks09 and Whyme20 like this.
  9. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Bronze IL'ite

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    Yes, they are accountable .Maybe daadi is not responsible for you as much as a parent, But that does not give right to emotionally abuse a child and manipulate him against his mother. And in indian context, grandparents are also responsible for the grandkids, because they share the same household, interfere in parenting and they are the ones who keep asking for DIL to give birth to children (son) soon, and that time husbands will let their mothers have all the say in the DIL's life and household. So , yes, grandparents are responsible for the grandkids. Not to absolve your mother- just pointing out that there is no excuse for grandparents to do such things in any case with a child, no matter what.

    It's not to defend your mother , Just talking about your daadi's imp role in your brother's emotional problems.Regarding your mother, I can understand after you shared the details of emotional neglect. It's a very complicated issue. These things can cause cognitive dissonance- feeling wronged but also seeing that mother did her duties and supposed to feel gratitude/love . Atleast you have some clarity about how you feel about her and that is a first step. Even I dont know what is the solution or how you can find peace.Can only pray for you.
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2020
  10. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,

    I feel that your issue is much deeper than you have described here. Good to see that you have realised the issue, trying to accept the situation and heal yourself. But I think you have a long way to go.

    Is it possible for you to find an Indian therapist? My friend attended many counseling sessions with an American therapist and felt that the counselor is not understanding the indian background/ context or thinking for her specific problem. After a few months , the counselor herself suggested the name of an Indian therapist. It was a huge difference as both of them connected very well and helped to heal her.Dont hide anything from therapist, else it wont be effective.

    I think you need to vent and get all these negativity out of your system. Only then you can even consider forgiving ( doesn't mean accepting the wrong things or forgetting it, ,but a conscious decision to let it go for your own sake as the past is irreversible & you cannot go back. It is for you ) and moving on. The wounds in your mind ,(its not simply emotional neglect[ I thought it as lack of expressing love], was there emotional abuse?- I did not see that word in your first post) is so deep. It take time to heal. Hope you will reach there soon. Once you reach there may be you will be able to empathize with your mother or understand her issues better or view the situation in a different angle or improve your relationship. But now stay away from all negativity for your sake. I am sure time will help your healing when you are taking this effort to come out of your inner turmoil.

    Your brother is an adult now. It's not fair to blame anyone for his anger issues. I have seen people with anger issues even when they have very loving parents. If a person is getting angry , he is responsible for his own actions and should try to find ways to fix it. He needs to attend some anger management course or therapy to come out of it.
    Good luck
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2020
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