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Relatives

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by paru123, Mar 26, 2024.

  1. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Ours is a very big family on maternal side with my mother being the eldest and her siblings younger by variying years of difference. All are settled in different places with just 2 uncles n their families in our city. These uncles n their families have been regular visitors to our house right from when I was a child. We never saw them as separate or different and shared with them every minute details of what was happening in our lives. Every topic like our (mine n sibling's) studies, jobs, marriages, buying house, issues with inlaws, inlaws issues etc etc everything they knew. But...when it was about their children(difference in our n theirs age is 10 to15 years) everything became a secret. Their childrens education, marriage, buying property, everything we learned only after it has been announced. There was no transparency in their dealing towards us. Even if we had ask them about anything the answer would be they dont know or no idea.
    This has lead to some kind of resentment between us n them. Now cousins are all settled abroad, but my uncle n aunt would never share anything about their kids. And on the contrary they would like to know even the minutest details happening in our lives.
    Even now, they come to visit my mother and stay for a day or two. But of late we feel no warmth in the relationship because of their secrecy nature. There is no point in pointing out their behaviour as they are doing it deliberately. I sometimes feel they used our lives as reference point so that their children would be safe and not do the mistakes that we did.

    How to deal with such relatives.
     
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Lower your expectations. Stop sharing so much. As you see everyone is different. You cannot control their actions but you can adjust your reaction accordingly.
     
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  3. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

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    By not their announcing you in advance their plans, what you have lost? When plans by word of mouth spreads to undesirables, their plans may be jeopardised leading to jettison or abandon their plan. Plans may go haywire as disgruntled read jealous among relatives spoil their plans. Certain plans are to be kept secret till things get fructified. Only thoughtless and loudmouthed carelessly spill their plans which eventually embarrass
    when disclosed plans did not materialise but announced already.
    An office colleague visited my home and informed my spouse that there is a proposal that I would be posted in Embassy Office in London. Though I knew a month before that higher echelons discussed and arrived at a decision favourable to me, I never breathed about this to anyone including my spouse. When I came from office she with a dead pan face spoke in monosylables and hours later I came to know the reason. I told her unless order comes on my hand I didn't want to tell her.
    Later order came but what happened after she and I with our baba got into the Boeing?
    Read in the link
    Spouse, Son & I Are Off To London Via Airindia Boeing 747
     
  4. Thoughtful

    Thoughtful Gold IL'ite

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    Some indian problems are universal.

    This resentment is unavoidable and is inherently bad. It will bottle up and come up at the wrong place.

    Your uncles and aunts benefitted from the experiences of your family, knowing the nitty gritty of the decisions you made and the impact it had. They made wiser choices. Now you are not aware of these choices and are not learning from their experiences and feel left in the cold.

    Even though they and others might argue that you too had a reason for sharing the nitty gritty. They were your support system, people to bounce ideas off of. So, in some ways you and your smaller family unit did benefit from their presence and the sharing and their opinions. If you think this way, this pill might not be as bad to swallow.

    Now, how things move from here depends on personalities. In your shoes, if possible, continue to be the same way with them. Share things with them which you feel like and withhold others which normally you would easily share, unless you see a reason.

    The relationship can still be meaningful. As long as you are needed and wanted, they will still show up. You also get something out of the relationship. Try to make it as win-win as possible.
     
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  5. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks for the detailed analysis. If we and our parents were to behave like them when we were younger, I am sure the relationship wouldn't have survived. I remember they used to just stay in our house for days to keep getting updates of the issues we had in our life then. We didnt know that we could ask for some privacy in dealing with our private matters. Or may be, we would have been labelled as rude if we asked for some privacy during those times. Anyways times change and we can't just bring the gone days back.
    Recently they visited us and we didnt bother to ask them anything about their kids. Though it was unusual of us to behave like that, even I felt very odd to show that each of us now minds our own business.
     
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  6. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    This is actually not unusual behavior on the part of your relatives. We also see it every where in day to day interactions. Your parents are the generous, open and sharing type and perhaps also felt some sense of responsibility for their younger siblings. Your aunts and uncles are more of a calculating type and the kind of people who feel their power grows by collecting but not sharing. There is nothing inherently wrong as long as you realize it. But as you see it will also lead to only a superficial relationship. Just use these lessons for the future.
     
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  7. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    The real problem is not them, but your family over-sharing your matters to others.

    Why are you sharing so much to others ? If you think by sharing they will help out or sharing gives you relief then do so but without expectations from them.
     
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  8. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    We treated them as part of us, but they saw themselves as apart from us. Now we see, how they see us and themselves.
     

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