Relationship with SIL

I would say as long as she is civil to you and not particularly rude or harsh, just let her be. For all you know, she might probably not be harboring any ill feelings at all towards you. Maybe she is just a reserved and silent person (which has perhaps been perceived as moody?).

Relationships are, as is, very complicated. And with faster, better and cheaper means of communication available at our disposal 24x7, I believe things get even more complicated. Our expectations also increase and we tend to expect people also to embrace these different modes of communication at the same frequency as us. Not everyone might be comfortable striking regular general conversations over the phone or via email. I can never do so myself unless I have something very specific to discuss, so most of my phone conversations last barely more than 2 minutes.

I think relationships work best when they are built normally and gradually, not when they are forced. You say you will be visiting her next month for a function, take that as an opportunity for some nice interaction instead of weekly calls.

Its nice to see you make attempts to bond with your SIL, but I think you should just give it a more gradual pace .

 

Dear pmahensa,

I think your SIL is being cautious because of her earlier experience. She might think that being reserved and just to the point, would help her in long term. I would suggest that you take more time to observe. maybe instead of weekly calls, try making calls once or twice a month. and just be normal with her. if the situation doesn't improve even after few months, maybe then you can have a talk with her directly.

But I personally dont like the idea of talking directly. Sometimes, a reserved person clams up even more if they are asked why they are not talking or behaving in a certain manner. Just take it slow. Let the relation take its natural turns. Don't force anything. Good luck

 

Pooja

Am sorry if I sound rude here, but in what way are you staying away from involving?? See you are already soo worried that she doesnt reciprocate or she doesnt talk etc..etc

We trying to gel with the other person means striking conversations when its the right time. It shouldnt be like you say hi to your brother and everytime you call your brother, she has to talk to you, if she doesnt talk she might be scared that your brother might get upset as she is not trying to keep in touch with his side family. and she may not want to talk because of her past bad experience

So why not give time and limit your calls and interactions and let her feel and realise that you are not what her past SIL is. But always have that smile and loving voice when ever she talks to you, dont feel that ohh she didnt talk all these days, why is she talking now kind of feelings.

We all are diff. human beings. Everyone has their own hurt and past. Give time to recover, heal and come back to normal lives. I sure can understand how your SIL might be feeling as she really had a bad experience with her exSIL in the past sometimes our past teaches us to be more cautious about our present. Hope you understand! Just chill it and dont push yourself too much to fix all this immediately. Give time!!

Friendly relationships and trust are not built overnight..it does take some time..for some people with hurtful past it takes lot of time...so give that time and show that you are there for her and that she can count on you anytime! so be cool you guys have lot of yrs to look forward to..for building friendship

 

Why this pushing:bonkwhy expect her to reciprocate when you think is right?? yes 1.5 yr is a long time for you, but may not be for her.You didnt live with your ex SIL did you?? but she lived with her exSIL and the tolerance levels and capability to forgive n forget are diff. for diff people

Pooja

You are a mature and understanding girl. Thats why I had said, dont give up but at the same time dont make it like a big task on your head. Friendships happen over time. some gel quickly and some take years together. Who knows might be after couple of yrs you and your SIL might be the thickest friends...or maybe you both are ok ok friends but your bros married life is happy...thats what we all want right??

Be hopeful be positive and do not have this feeling inside that she is not putting effort to gel with your family. Remember if she wants to gel she would eventually. Dont force it on her.

 

Pooja,
your decision is just right
I've decided that I'll just go to the function, have a good time, try to be friendly and non-overbearing and hopefully things will get better from then onwards. otherwise, I'll just have to give up on having a close relationship with her.

There are many things that we may mention at random that can hurt someone or remind them of their past.

Yes regarding taking calls post mommyhood is unexplainable to many people.. unless they go through that phase with crankiest of baby... none in my family at either side understood my plight.. except my mom .. as to why I cant talk to anyone for more than 2 mins when I have my kids around.
Certain kids are time consuming and some well behaved...

Give her some time for self realisation and to come back to you.

 

Pooja,

Why are you trying to talk to someone who rebuffs you so???? What is your intent???

Your brother is your brother is your brother. If the reason that you are trying so hard to please your SIL is just to ensure that she does not interfere in your relationship with your brother, then you need to relax and take it easy. Don't try so hard to get her to talk to you, move with you, have a relationship with you. Regardless of her opinions on the matter, your brother will not cease being your brother just because he is now married. As long as you are not going out of your way to create trouble for them, then you needn't worry about what she thinks of you and how she views your bond with your brother.

I really cannot understand advices that suggest that the wife has to have a say in a sibling bond. Is the wife going to permit her husband to have a say in HER relationship with HER parents or siblings??? She isn't going to cut off her family, is she, post-marriage??? So, why would she expect the husband to cut off his family now that HE is married???

If your SIL had a meddling ex-SIL, then she would obviously be wary but she needs to be mature and realize that not all SILs are that bad. She needs to particularly know and understand that you aren't like that. And, it is upto your brother to make this clear to her. He needs to let her know that while she is his priority, that he isn't going to forget about you and that he would like to see her get to know you just like she would like HIM to get know HER siblings better.

If, despite all this, it doesn't work out, then don't sweat this out. Let it go and focus on having a strong, supportive relationship with your brother while you maintain a friendly and pleasant hi-bye civility with her. You don't have to bend over backwards to please just because you are her husband's sister. You and your brother have a tie of blood and it's not going anywhere - regardless of her beliefs on the matter.

Good luck!!!!

 

Pooja, coincidentally its the same issue for which I have also sought suggestions from ILites. Just that in my case it is my co-sister.
I can see you have been doing every bit possible from your side to let her know you care for her. Rest is upto her whether she would like to reciprocate. As for me, after seeing the responses to my post, I too have decided not to bother myself too much in trying to establish a good relationship. I guess all those gestures would matter only to people who know the value of relationship, otherwise its a sheer waste of our time, goodwill and energy. Lets just be cordial with them and move on without dwelling on these matters too much.

 

Pooja, if she behaves cordially with you, that doesn't mean she may want to be in regular touch with you. She is giving you subtle hints that even though she likes you, she doesn't consider you close enough to have a call every week. I understand, that your main intention is to keep in touch with your brother and it is quite reasonable.

I am not sure if you limit your conversation with your brother to the level of a courtesy call or you go beyond that to discussing things about his family life. Taking your SIL to be a reasonable person, she should not have any issues if you discuss with your brother things about you, him and your parents.

All I want to say is that, she may be feeling that you may be a bit too intruding to her liking. You may already be getting the hints.