Relationship And Trust With Husband Has Gone !

Goahead · Aug 17, 2020

I have been married for like 15 years and like everyone here , had my share of in-laws horror along with a mommas boy .

if my husband would have opened his eyes and ears and listened to what I’m saying about in-laws , things would have been ok. Instead for 15 years he fought for them with me . May it be the birth of our 2 kids and how they treated me : he always had reasons to defend them . They do nothing for us and even our kids but somehow they are the best people on earth . I have in 15 years given 1000 times more to my I alas and sister in-laws but in his eyes , I have done nothing . mil is so manipulative , he has agreed couple of times by himself and couldn’t defend her because she was straight forward lying on our face . But nothing matters to him .

I feel so distance from him - the reason that he thinks of his parents and sister all the time . I’m done with this person who is like an outsider to me in my own home . He does a lot for kids and that is the only reason I’m with him .
But personally I have zero emotional relationship with him. I can never ever discuss anything with him . He judges me all the time and always puts the blame on me .

also he does nothing for my family . He actually runs away seeing that they are on phone . Try to have minimal interaction and a very formal interaction with them. My sibling was local for 3 years and I had such a hard time with my husband . Never ever he would want to include my unmarried siblings in anything : if we have a long weekend and we are going somewhere he would never want to take him along anywhere and I used to feel insulted all the time .
To his sister , he is so giving but to my siblings even spending 50 dollars is a big deal for him

I’m so tired of this man that I dnt even feel like talking to him anymore . All he thinks is just his family all the time and that’s all he cares about

now he’s talk int about moving his parents in . so basically a husband who’s a mommas boy, in-laws who does nothing but manipulate and I feel so empty

what can I do ? Any of you experienced in this regard ? mom just living my life with my kids and friends .. I talk to my friends like 2 hrs a day and that is my source of motivation for my life .. it’s very sad that me and husband dnt even talk for 15 minutes a day just regular kids stuff or house stuff

DDream · Aug 17, 2020

Sorry for your situation. Are you financially independent? If so, you can consider separation. Both of you can still be good parents.

But if you want to continue in the same home, its not going to be easy. If he is so much into his parents and want to bring them in, he may expect you to be a good 'dil' and do 'seva'. Only that will make him happy. You can't change him.

But you can take a decision to make your life better by defining boundaries. Completely stop talking about his family. Complaining and finding fault with his family won't help your relationship. He will be defensive. Let him do whatever he wants with his family.

If you want to help or visit your family, do it. If you want uo spend money, do it. Why you need his permission. Completely ignore his sulking. Take a stand that,if he can take care of his family , you too can. If he is not coming with you, you go with your family. Don't expect him to join you. You also have responsibility to take care of your family.

Ideally its better if everyone can coexist in a friendly way. But if that is not possible then you need to define what's acceptable to you or not.

Just neglect pils issue, and think about your relationship. Why should he come to you. Are you creating positive wibes or making yourself emotionally attractive for him. Just introspect. Your post says he is not,that's why you are kind of detached. Only option in this way is to try to live your life to the maximum. Believe me, I can understand your craving for love and company. But its a two way street. So try to divert your mind as much you can if you want to continue in this relationship. Don't waste time thinking about what's missing and focus on what you have and try to enjoy to the maximum. Its not easy, but you can try it. Make yourself your top priority. Let him wonder whats going in your life.

Goahead · Aug 18, 2020

Thank you fro your advice .I'm doing exactly what you suggested . I have stopped being nice to his family and talk the bare minimum , same as he does.

he wants to do everything for them because his world is his parents and sister responsibility . if i enter his world, i'm suppose to do the same for them and in return he will be nice to my family but just nice in talking nothing much

since I have not agreed on these terms that i will blindly do seva for my mil and fil who taunts me in return and do not treat me right, there is a gap between me and him . Somehow if I dnt do anything or his family he notices immediately but if they dnt do anything for me, he never notice that and is never any problem .

i have planned to do things myself for my family now . I talk to my parents freely withouht thinking that I havent called his .etc etc.I'm not happy with this arrangement but that is my best option for now

And my relationhip with him : i just dnt trust him for my happiness. A spouse is suppose to bring you happiness and take your side.He never does .Its been 15 years now and I dnt want to give him any more chance to try to make me happy . I have done so much for him . i left my job 2 times so that his career would progress.I helped him in his MBA and now every year he thanks his parents for his career and tell them that he is whatever because of them.Never ever he has said that I helped him along the way . I gave up my career totally after kids .Simply because he can focus on his career and grow and the thanks and credit goes to parents. Those parents who refused to help him financially at 18 years of age and told him to take loans for further education .

i have started to hate him more than my pils now . Simply because i have understood that these pils problems exist because of him. He gives them such nice treatment that they are so secure that their son will not say anything on how they treat the dil and kids

lavani · Aug 19, 2020

It will take a lot of self motivation to follow the path you are going to follow. It is totally worth it and also going to be very painful. It is very hard to act single and follow your passion or interested while in a relationship. there will always be comments and taunts no matter what you do. at least do what you like to do and fill that bucket list.

also have a friend who you can share your pain and he or she can discuss her issues and support each other. otherwise it will be 1 person dumping their stress.

wish you the best .