Really need your advice,I am thinking something constantly.Help me please.

sandhya303 · Sep 24, 2009

Hello friends, I am back with a problem.Its just something thats been bothering more than I thought it should.
I spoke to my in-laws yesterday.I am pregnant and my in-laws are extremely happy as we have been married for 5 yrs.We weren't trying to conceive until last year but we are all very very happy.

My BIL and his wife have a baby girl as well born last year. I don't talk much to my in-laws and if you have read my posts you know that I have a very understanding and supportive husband and overall good in-laws who do not expect much from us. When I go to India and visit only my city they don't mind,they dont expect us to send money or call them here every now and then.Overall they are good,but in my mind I have not forgotten certain things that happened in the past and I prefer to keep a distance and it works because my hubby and in-laws are ok with it.

I must add that my MIL's behaviour went from nice to super nice only after she realized my BIL's wife is a total ABCD,and she had an argument with her when my in-laws were here 2 yrs back for the first time.BIL and his wife live in another state in US and they lived with them for 3 months and with us for 20 days as we had a one bedroom that time.Even now we have a one bedroom apartment but live near NY and doing better than last time.

Ok so I got pregnant and we told my in-laws last month.I told my parents and they came here to US to see me and are here nowadays.My recent post has all the details about how my parents are not staying with me even tho hubby and I invited them many times. They shuttle b/w my 2 brothers houses and say it would be difficult for hubby and I if they come here as my apt is small.

When I called my in-laws yesterday night,my FIL was over excited as I spoke to him first time after baby news.He was very very happy.He also told me he was going to call my dad but then remembered my parents are in US itself.He said where are they now and I said they stay with my brother mostly.Now my in-laws know my parents do this every year when they visit,ie staying with bros not me. So FIL said haan haan tumhare ghar mein jagah kahan hai,toh woh toh wahi rehenge.
Now FIL is pretty decent,so I am not sure if I should take this in a wrong way.I mean did he mean its better they stay there as my apt is small? When my in-laws were with me 2 yrs back,they slept on floor as they wouldnt let us give them the bed.Maybe he meant since my parents arent used to this and they have an option they would obviously stay with my brother? It all sounded innocent but don't know why I am thinking about it non-stop.

Well,after that I spoke to my MIL and told her as well ke parents yahin hai but mere ghar nai rehte kyun ke ghar chota hai and takleef hogi. I told her I am planning to invite them for a week and they have agreed..so MIL said " aur kya bulao unko..maa baap hi toh hai,thodi takleef ulthalo tum dono or woh log bhi..then she said ab tumhare bhi maa baap hi hai aur S(my hubby) ke bhi maa baap hi hai,aur kaun hai aise bhi...
So I said yes
Then she asked aur wahan mausam kaisa hai aajkal,here its very hot.

And then regular topics we spoke about my pregnancy etc.
She knows that during delivery also my mum only might come and she doesnt mind all that...

But what I am thinking and my crazy pregnant mind won't rest is this:
What she meant and what my FIL meant? Did she mean that even they came last here and slept on the floor etc so its just parents and its all okay when its family...and I shouldnt think that his parents came and stayed in the small apt but mine are so concerned about me that they dont stay..I dont know how to put it in words!!!
What I am asking is was she securing her coming here in the future in a way..by saying parents ke liye sab chalta hai or was she talking more about the past when she came and stayed and we had a small apt?
Since I am pregnant now I dont even like the thought that she said it to ensure her staying with us.I hope she did not mean that.

We will invite them of course but when we have a bigger apartment because with a baby a small one bedroom would really be difficult.

I dont know what I want to know I am just feeling uncomfortable with this entire conversation and getting headaches thinking about this thing even tho even I KNOW its silly.
Please tell me what you infer from the above?

saheli08 · Sep 24, 2009

dear sandhya,
first of all congratulations on your pregnancy, being a mom to a 15 mth old, i'm not too far from the pregnant crazy stage i was in. i honestly don't see any thing to worry about in your post. it may be due to the mood swings and harmones that is taking toll. by your inlaws conversation i think they mean it for your parents and also for them when they will visit( goes true for both situations). obviously they must have desire to visit sometime later to see your newborn, but to me it sounded just like a very casual talk.

pls focus on your health right now and don not worry too much. beleive me i went through hell , living with my mil all 5 mths of my pregnancy .......but its all over now and she is back with bigger issues!!!lol

sandhya303 · Sep 24, 2009

I don't know why I am feeling so unforcomfortable thinking what she meant. Why does she have to think and put her ownself in everything all the time. She could have just said ya call them they are your parents and for parents we can take trouble...maybe she meant that only..

Thanks Saheli,I am just a compulsive worrier. I tug and pull at such thoughts when they enter my mind and start going into a shell.I feel I shouldn't have spoken to them at all,because then my brain gets food for thought rather rotten food for thought.:spin

sandhya303 · Sep 24, 2009

More answers please, I can't think about anything else

Muskaan7 · Sep 24, 2009

Hi Sandhya,

Congrats on ur pregnancy!

I was similar to you, in the sense that I would sit and think of each word that my relatives or inlaws said and what that could have/could have not meant. I used to feel depressed, angry, irritated and worrying all the time. In the end I would find out that it did not really mean anything and I was just making a mountain out of a molehill. Over time, i have understood that 95% of the time I was wrong and worrying unnecessarily. It was just my health that was spoilt and nothing else, for no reason whatsoever. So now when someone says something to me and I am unsure which way they meant it, i just opt for the positive way and move on. I dont worry about things unless they tell it to me in straight terms to my face.

I dont really see any hidden agenda in what they said. So dont worry about it. Take care of yourself. I am reminded of the quote "Dont trouble trouble till trouble troubles you".

Take care

Sunshine123 · Sep 24, 2009

Hey Sandhya.......I really think you should divert your mind to something more productive, than wasting energy thinking on, "what did they mean when they said that"? You said that your in-laws are nice people, so please stop trying to find hidden meanings in what they said. What good will it do to you anyway? Just take them at their face value....will give you a lot of peace of mind...which you have a dire need for.

I seriously think you should develop a hobby, socialise or do anything that interests you.......basically keep yourself busy, so your mind does not get free time to wander.

When you ask on an open forum, what people can decipher from the one liner of your FIL and MIL.........people will come up with different versions of they think.........this will not help you in any way, but will only further confuse your already confused mind!!!

Think hapy thoughts and tell your mind that,"My in-laws are good and they dont mean anything bad"..........that will give you peace of mind....not poking and trying to make mountains out of molehills!!

Cheers

Cool1 · Sep 24, 2009

Hi Sandhya,
I think your in-laws didnt mean anything wrong..Its just that they know parents can adjust anywhere when they are with their kids and even you agree that your apartment is small..Dont take it in a negative way.I have done this mistake and I know how it can give someone unnecessary tension.
Keep yourself and your hubby happy and enjoy your pregnency.

jhalli27 · Sep 24, 2009

hey sandhya,

congrats on ur pregnancy. i dont think there is ANYTHING wrong/double meaning in what ur in-laws said. and its natural for u to feel so much during pregnancy. im 7 months, and i too feel lots of stuff, most of which is crap/illusions. but difference is, its with DH than with in-laws.
ur in-laws seem real sweet ppl with less expecteations. and from ur previous posts, i still think ur folks are in US not for u, but their own reasons. so IF at all ur in-laws mean something abt ur folks, its not untrue. they do seem to care less for u and more for their sons. small/one bedroom apartments are hardly reasons for mothers to worry. there is a saying.. "ghar mei jagah ho ya nhi, koi farak nhi padta. dil mei jagah ho to ghar mei jagah khud ban jaati hai"...

so relax and dont worry. its normal for u to think so much. and i definitely dont see any wrong message from ur in-laws..
enjoy

amihere · Sep 24, 2009

Hi Sandhya,Congrats for the happy news there is absolutely no need to ponder over this again and again.As our dear fellow ILs sadi you
have many other things to think abd set your mind upon now than wasting yuor time trying to infer what s/he meant saying so.

Malyatha · Sep 24, 2009

Sunshine123 said: ↑

Hey Sandhya.......I really think you should divert your mind to something more productive, than wasting energy thinking on, "what did they mean when they said that"? You said that your in-laws are nice people, so please stop trying to find hidden meanings in what they said. What good will it do to you anyway? Just take them at their face value....will give you a lot of peace of mind...which you have a dire need for.

I seriously think you should develop a hobby, socialise or do anything that interests you.......basically keep yourself busy, so your mind does not get free time to wander.

When you ask on an open forum, what people can decipher from the one liner of your FIL and MIL.........people will come up with different versions of they think.........this will not help you in any way, but will only further confuse your already confused mind!!!

Think hapy thoughts and tell your mind that,"My in-laws are good and they dont mean anything bad"..........that will give you peace of mind....not poking and trying to make mountains out of molehills!!

Cheers
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VERY WELL SAID! I second Sunshine 200%

Sandhya, enough already. You are starting to annoy me now. If I could, then I would reach across and give you a jolly good shaking. You & your crazy imagination!

Until you can get help for your GAD / OCD, keep busy. If your time is filled with constructive activities, then you will not have the time to brood and build mountains out of molehills. From all of the messages you have posted here about her, your MIL is obviously a very sweet person, down-to-Earth, simple and not running around with a mega-chip on her shoulder over being the mother of two boys! So, even if she does visit you in the future, you have nothing to worry about.

Seriously, get over yourself and get a hobby.