1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Prospective Groom is saying my dad has final responsibility before kanyaadaan

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by payalarora, Aug 1, 2013.

  1. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,448
    Likes Received:
    2,097
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    GL to you. I know, from first hand experience, how it feels. The gift given to me slightly provided an upper hand in my ILs family.

    I am NOT only accepted the gift from parents and in return, I gave them 10-times more than what I received initially. But, for my parents...it is some where itched in their mind, their son is their priority. Girl(s) are born secondary citizens of the family. Not treated equally ever since I could remember.
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2013
    1 person likes this.
  2. friendlygirl

    friendlygirl Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    226
    Likes Received:
    197
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Ok ...looks like OP is coming from a very very very Conservative background where patriarchy is still the way to go..

    given this, you need to be a jhansi rani to fight this and expect an ideal marriage with an ideal groom.

    Dear OP, what does your heart say? i feel bad for you because you are sorrounded by such men examples...
    it is a simple question...do you like him or not?
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. payalarora

    payalarora Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    16
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Very right. It did turned out to be a negotiating deal like they do in business. If i decline this match because of this reason, when will i get married? I am turning 30 next month.

    Which girl like her arranged marriage has turned out to be a sale and purchase agreement? I am obviously not liking it.

    My gut feeling say guy is nice and we have done some good verification on him.
     
    1 person likes this.
  4. polymorphic

    polymorphic Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,017
    Likes Received:
    925
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Female
    OP: Whom are you fighting for and whom are you fighting against??? I dont understand. You are fighting against your own father for a person you dont know and that guy is asking for money to marry you. And you are supporting this guy rather than asking him directly to your face, "why do you need my dad's help after marriage when you are so well-off and have a good job?".. Do that first. You can also say "Why do you want my dad's money? Am i not an asset enough and i have a good job too?" See how he responds. And pls stop telling "my dad is trying to marry off cheaply". Sounds very rude and shows your thinking process inspite of age and good education. You should not be so impulsive.
     
    6 people like this.
  5. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,299
    Likes Received:
    6,338
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Exactly what I wanted to say. Its not just with this one guy. The next 20 guys are going to be (more than likely), the exact same thing too.

    Since you like this guy, go for him. If I am guessing right about the sub-caste etc, I am guessing, your status with in the other co-sisters in your family will depend on what you have on your name as FD.

    Sad and bad...but thats just the way it is. what to do. If OP wants, she can be brave and fight it off, but, she has to be prepared for an uphill battle.

    Hugs to you girl.
     
    2 people like this.
  6. arch1209

    arch1209 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,942
    Likes Received:
    4,749
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I went and re-read my post. I by no way was saying that parents should give inheritance to children, it is their wish and they could do whatever they want. Because OP said that in most families girls don't get anything - I just wanted to point out that it was not a common occurrence. Many parents divide their assets equally.
     
    1 person likes this.
  7. arch1209

    arch1209 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,942
    Likes Received:
    4,749
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Inheritance is a gift when unearned - couldn't have said it any better!!
     
    2 people like this.
  8. Maddy2087

    Maddy2087 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,405
    Likes Received:
    2,928
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Payalarora,

    Please don't fall for the wrong guy in life. Beauty/Colour/Looks are transient factors . Its a well known fact that adjustments are part and parcel of life but emphasising it to you makes me wonder " What are the adjustments he is insinuating at " ? He has also indirectly hinted that he has seen better looking girls , which indicates that he doesn't find you beautiful. Do really think it was needed during the conversation ? There are many in Indusladies who come up with struggling stories on marital issues and they are heart aching to read . Do you really want to be a silent reader or a member venting her sad saga here ? In one of the posts you have mentioned that he rejected many girls because they had high expectation . May I know what those high expectations were ? I can visualise in my mind and tell you what the girls would have expected :


    Mental independence.
    Financial independence.
    Social independence.
    Spiritual independence.
    Respect for individuality.
    A modern and a balanced outlook towards life.
    Personal space for self development.
    Optimistic approach towards individual philosophy and way of living.


    These factors are one of the most important factors for a person to live happily in a marriage and also in general . These are interlinked in many ways .If one of them misses it pinches real hard. Most of the men prefer very simple and naive girls because they get assured that the girl can be manipulated as per wish. You will simply be a puppet and he will be the master making you dance to the tune .You will look after his household, his kids and parents and always try to please his family . You might enjoy this in the initial days of your marriage but it will get monotonous and the aversion knocks the door.Do you really want this ? Please think .....

    If you have still made up your mind for this guy I will wish you whole heartedly for the best and pray for your well being. :)
     
    3 people like this.
  9. payalarora

    payalarora Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    16
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Groom is good. I have to leave my teacher job after marriage because my school is very far from his house and school bus does not serve that area.

    He has said to me he is willing to start a family soon after marriage because of our age. What else i need as a girl- A working husband, children.
     
  10. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,299
    Likes Received:
    6,338
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Poly...dear, she comes from a completely different family set up...dont know how else to explain.
    like I said, she can still hold on to her morals but its going to be uphill battle. I am not supporting this but I can understad where she is coming from.
     
    1 person likes this.

Share This Page