Problems With My H Personality And Friends

sanjuruby3 · Apr 1, 2022

We had very close family friend A from many years. So much that my H follows A ( male) like a puppy. I called him his husband. Will call on every small fever cough sickness. Wont bother to call my parents or talk. Shower them with gifts on all occasions. Invite then back to back..Wont bother if my kids are tired or sick or i do not like. Now, my H is aggressive but not diplomatic. Sometimes which i feel you have to be in relationships. He can not accept the truth. All in for a person or not at all. That's not how it works when we already have shortage.

He does everything for a person selflessly, then expects a lot, then problem starts.He likes one person and glues to that, and will not go without them any where..invite them everywhere, even when some random stranger is invited, along with that. He will ignore other people or invitations because of him. Then problem with that person, everyone gone.

1. Somebody C throws a party, invites us. My H was planning same day with A and B.
So he invites A& B to their house. I hated that but can not stop him. He did that so many times.
Within no time, A/B and some other friend C, because close friends...everybody wants to expand their circles.
because my H keeps inviting all of them together, and now, they start skipping him or informing him from gatherings or going-outs. It happened a few times but this time he is all aggressive because it was A ( his husband cheated ;-) did not inform him...few more things happened back to back with A and C)

2. Another family D never invites us to any gathering in her house. Has big social circle and does lot of activities. Kids play together. So I invite unwillingly, because kids talk and she cancels at last minute sometimes, this time comes ( covid reason or other party reason). Now, by chance one family member ( from D) came to our gathering, and told wife about everything. Now, wife wants to invite my friends to her house.. really? Asking phone number. I do not own my friends. I know everyone wants to expand their circle. Our firends too. And social people expand quickly
But i am like how to deal with such situations... man.
I am not a matrimonial service and we need to be stable with friends. I tell him also, give some space and you should not expect all this,.. he gets all mad and does not want to listen anything.

MalStrom · Apr 1, 2022

If your husband is very intense then other people might find it difficult to spend too much one-on-one time with him. They may gravitate to their new friends if those people are easier to hang out with. He should look at the nature of his social interactions to make sure he is not driving people away. It’s best to keep an arms-length and neither do too much nor expect too much.
As for your example think of them more as people you interact with because you have kids. Would you still be friends without kids? Some people also thrive on drama and poaching other people’s friends.
I think of this as spending time with people whose company I enjoy, but I wouldn’t necessarily call them close friends. More like those with whom you are in a common season of life. Try not to take this too much to heart and keep it casual.

Thoughtful · Apr 2, 2022

Hi OP,
There is a lot to unpack in what you have mentioned. Hopefully you were venting and are feeling better about things now. You yourself might know the solutions, but things might be hard to implement. I will keep the message succint:

1. Friends wanting to be friends of your friends:

This is like you introduced someone to your best friend and now they are best friends and you are no more included. It happens a lot and it hurts. Can we stop introducing people to our friends - NO. So the best that is possible is that we are "worthy" and our friends see that in us and keep us included. Sometimes situations also present in a way that we might have to be excluded. We have to give the benefit of the doubt to our friends.

Its like, if you love someone, let them go. If they loved you, they will come back to you.

Think of it like you have a birthday party and all your friends visit. They introduce themselves to each other and become friends. Nothing you can do about it. Try to be one big happy friends group. If they exclude you, you plan some outing with them together and build stronger bond with them.

Like Jim Rohn says, "don't wish it were easier, wish you were better".

2. When you friends ask for phone numbers of your friends:

If those friends have met, you have no choice other than share the number. If they haven't but heard about them from you or someone else, then tell your friend that the other friend might not feel comfortable about you sharing their information. However, you will find an opportunity to bring the two of you together during a party or a get together or an outing so you can meet them and talk to them.

3. Regarding your H...

I will come back and post.

sanjuruby3 · Apr 4, 2022

I do not think my H is intense.
infact he is v patient with people he adore. He listens and plays very good host to his friends. He may not listen to me, my parents . He does not think about us or ignores us when others are here till middle of night , because too much to handle or he is having fun..
but he is very much into the people he likes. He has tandency to leave me in the middle of road if his friend calls him to come to a place for beer.

Anyways, Because he does not think policitical, he brings everyone under one place. Then naturally people with common language click on or some people think superficially means - to expand circles.

In our age, in forgein country, we have all grown up.. you know so no one is 100% like us and its never like true true family. Its like marriage for benefits. Keep you boundaries and understand boundaries. Can not invade personal life.
But he lets everyone invade in, advise .... but otherwise does not work. He is not strong enough to say 'no' or not to follow. but others are.
He is emotional person, and at some point, it works opposite. I am same.
When he falls for some friend, or something, it gets too much...he will invite almost every week.. Sitting in our home till 2pm, .. Gradually i start get irritated, we fight, he forgets boundaries...i become distant from him and also start resenting about that friends. Then slowly this happens, then he comes to me and discusses. Its like trend with him and friends.

MalStrom · Apr 4, 2022

He should realize and change the nature of his interactions if it interferes with the family life. I have found that as you get older it is harder to get genuine friendships, unlike the deep and lasting bonds many of us readily formed with our peers in our childhood and young adult lives.
Many people are already set in their ways,have their own social circles and have become shrewd and calculating. Often these become alliances of convenience until the next best thing comes along and they have no qualms easily moving from one circle to the next . So like you say it’s best to know the limits and enjoy while it lasts.