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Problems With Husband’s Family Continue..

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Reena26, Jan 3, 2024.

  1. Reena26

    Reena26 Bronze IL'ite

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    It’s been a while since I posted here. Does anybody else have this problem?

    according to our culture we are supposed to take care of our family. After marriage the daughter in law is supposed to care for her husband’s family. But what if your husband’s family make bad choices while you choose to make good choices for your own family? Are you supposed to still go along with them just because they are family?

    We live abroad in USA while my husband’s parents, his brother wife and daughter live in India. But they care only for social status and material life which leads to bad choices. I took my son there when he was two and they hardly made any home food. We ate out most of the time just to show the family wealth to the society. I make home cooked food for my family while also we do eat out sometimes. We exercise together as a family and keep my son in swimming and other sports instead of in front of tv all the time. They are very lazy people who sit on tv and iPad all the time, like to go to malls, out to eat and vacations - more eating out. And they expect us to follow.

    My own family here and abroad - I come from London - make proper food and care for my son’s health. My mother takes him to the park and climb the mountain near her home - she’s 65.

    Time and time my husband’s family let me down with their selfishness. Last time my son was 8 I sent him alone to India with my husband. Same thing. They book a vacation straight away and use my son and husband’s name saying they are doing it to make them happy. How can you equate feeding your brother and grandson/nephew a junk diet and providing material things with love? Do I send my son there or keep him with people who will teach him correct values? My husband also does not stand up to them because he wants to be a “good son” But shouldn’t a good child encourage their parents to make good choices or refuse to enable them?

    Two or Three months back we had gone camping as a family and we got a phone call from India that my father in law was in hospital for food poisoning. I refused to feel sorry because I know he is not a healthy person and so why should we have to feel guilty? Because we chose to be outdoors, we chose to exercise and do camping. We chose with our friends who came with us to make fresh food everyday from scratch. And my in laws are healthy. They don’t have major health issues. Can still travel everywhere. They have plenty of money. My husband sends them money from here too. So they can cook fresh healthy food. They always emotionally blackmail my husband.
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2024
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    It is fine if child has some junk food for the few days he is spending with grandparents. The memories made will last much longer than any impact of a few days of junk food. That is how they show love, don't take that away from them, don't try to change it.

    Cooking food at home, being physically active and spending time outdoors are great habits to follow and instill in the child. Just don't judge others who don't. Let them be.

    Food poisoning can happen to anyone even those who consume lettuce and other healthy leafy greens which are the lead cause of food poisoning outbreaks and recalls. Such incidents are often more a case of bad luck, much like the unfortunate outdoorsy people who get a small scrape while hiking, kayaking etc on vacation and end up with all or some limbs amputated. Due to Vibrio vulnificus -- a flesh-eating bacteria found in salt and fresh waters.
    Why so judgy? It's great you found your tribe and are happy going out with them. But it takes all kinds to make this world. For example, we are the outdoorsy kind too, but I cannot imagine making food from scratch while camping. One friend actually brought a masala dabba to camping. : ) I prefer spending most of the daylight hours away from the campsite. In short, to each unto their own. Try to gently encourage people to be more active, but stop short of preaching or judging.
     
    drdiva, shyamala1234 and MalStrom like this.
  3. Reena26

    Reena26 Bronze IL'ite

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    No. I am not judging anybody. Because neither are my family perfect. They can be emotional eaters too and not always make good choices. But they have told me that I am not responsible for their happiness. Meaning that if they make poor choices leading to bad health, it’s not my fault even though I am their child. Same to me. If I make bad choices, it’s my problem not my son’s. They absolutely can do as they wish - I can’t control them. But neither can we be blamed if it leads to bad things happening in the future. The emotional blackmail on my spouse is what bothers me. They make him feel guilty if he refuses to enable them with restaurant food. And it’s their permanent lifestyle choice of how they have been - not temporary. It is not my fault if they come to visit and want to watch tv all day with my child - 6 hours a day and refuse to do any work despite being healthy . That’s their bad choice.

    Additionally - they advise us and teach my son about making good choices through tv shows and books that teach morals but do in fact opposite of what they teach their kids - always!
     
  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Food culture in India can be different. My brother and his wife both work long hours and they don’t feel like cooking from scratch after that . They also don’t like to cook and store for 2-3 days like I do. Prep work is also more since you don’t get things as nicely ready as in the US or Europe. So they end up ordering out a lot compared to us. Delivery services in India make it very easy to get hot, fresh variety food at any time of the day or night. Our parents have also grown used to keeping a cook so the days of grandma lovingly spending the days hunched over a stove stirring a bubbling pot are becoming just a memory for many families. Live and let live, this is not a hill to die on.
    As for food poisoning I manage to get sick at least once on every trip to India no matter how careful I am.
     
    shyamala1234 likes this.

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