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Problems In Married

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Happygirl6, Dec 30, 2017.

  1. Happygirl6

    Happygirl6 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hello all,

    I am a newly married girl and i am facing lot of troubles due to my husband. It was an arranged marriage and he is very rude and dominant in nature. I also feel he is very immatured sometimes . The problem with him is he never expresses love to me and when i ask about it he says there is nothing called love and it is only in movies. Sometimes he is ok to deal with but in some cases his anger is very high. He never treats me like a newly married girl. I left my job and got married too him and now he is pestering me to get a job . He talks as if i am fit for nothing. He complains that i am not beautiful , slim and good looking.(ppl say i am very good looking) and he doesnt feel like being intimate with me . If i enter into an argument he sometimes threatens me of divorce and again he cools down. on the other hand he says i am a very good girl and he could rarely find girls like me. His intimacy with me is very very low and i think he has some sexual issues . If i try to talk about it he will get very angry and will ignore me . For me sex is not a very big thing and only children are important . I wonder if i could get children with him .When i spoke with my parents about all this they told me to be patient and some guys will be like this in the beginning and later on they will change. I guess he is suffering from depression because he gets irritated with simple issues and he cannot comfortably mingle with new people. He looks very under confident to talk to new people. He got some speech issues as well. He will be silent and speaks very less with outside people but at home he scolds me very badly . Everything in the home should happen according to his wish. I can adjust to these issues but one things which makes me bad is the sexual intimacy. My parents said if there is an other girl in your place she might have changed him completely and made him to be good to her. They say that i am not able to deal with him and making everything a big issue.For every small reason he threatens of divorce and he calms down later. I dont know whats going on in his head . I personally think that he is showing his male chauvinism as i am completely dependent on him and as i dont have any alternative i have to obey him . He is very much money minded and he feels a person who earns money is very great and he/she can chose to live in a relationship .Due to his sexual problems i guess he is showing his frustration on me. To be honest i used to earn a lot before marriage and now also i can get a job . i got his depression transferred to me and i am unable to concentrate on job search these days . I am crying very badly in bathroom as i have no friends in this new place.Do you think i can ever have children with this guy ?? When the child topic comes he is very disinterested in that and tells me to concentrate on career.I come from a very conservative background and i dont want to leave him but on other hand i dont know how to handle him . I am tying for job also but still no luck . I dont know whether this is a testing period ? any girls with the same issues ? i wanted to lead a happy family life with kids and husband .what do you think i should do ??
     
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  2. catwalk

    catwalk Gold IL'ite

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    Your thoughts might be true. But instead of developing depression, you may calm down and give some time to this marriage to settle down. Meanwhile instead of fighting with him, you may concentrate on developing new skills. This would help you to get better job and salary. Being financially independent is key for your life at this stage. Do not listen to the negative comments from your husband or your parents.

    Some people may advise you to have a baby to resolve all these problems. Do not listen those words. A baby in an unsettled marriage would multiply the problems. Never ever plan for a baby until the marriage is settled.

    As you said, your DH seems to be an immatured person. He forgets to enjoy the current life and worried about the future. Noone is perfect in this world. So give him some time to settle down. Meanwhile do not let him to abuse your self esteem.

    May god bless.
     
    Dishaa, Happygirl6 and NeetaR like this.
  3. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Surely, something is very wrong. How was he before marriage? Did he show any interest then?Seems he got married just for social pressure , and that's why he doesn't want you depending on him financially. Maybe it is due to his sexual problems he may be having a complex. So, instead he is criticizing your looks(Why he married you then - he already saw your looks and knew you left job)
    Your parents are thinking wrong, how can they generalise like that, Surely your husband not behaving as a newly married guy- it's not your fault.Don't get influenced by your parents. I'm just telling think for yourself- your parents are not facing the issue so they are giving wrong advice like it's your fault.Don't think of child till you sort out the problems.
    Now you should really make priority to restore your career, don't become dependent on him. Maybe after that you can figure out what to do. Also, your parents are doing immature and harmful talk- making it look like your fault- don't get demotivated by them. I'm sure you are doing your best, it's not your fault he has his problems.
    Once you start going to office, or else join some groups(spiritual/park etc) start going out make friends... it takes time. Do not cry or blame yourself. I admire you are understanding that problem is mainly with him, and not getting depressed by his behavior and thinking its your fault. I pray your career gets back on track soon-will pray for you.


     
    subblaxmi, Dishaa and Happygirl6 like this.
  4. silentlistener

    silentlistener Silver IL'ite

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    Your guess is perfectly right.

    Till his original problem is corrected , he will continue to behave abnormally.

    He will try to make everyone believe that all other than him are abnormal
     
    Happygirl6 likes this.
  5. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    First of all, don't even think about having a child with him till things gets better with him. This old dialogue of everything will get better after a child is jus a myth in most cases.

    Depression will only take you even lower n make it more troublesome. Instead rise above and take ownership of your own life, get a job, start your savings, make your friends, have your own schedule n get your life back on track. It will help you n your marriage big time as well, as it may make your relationship better with your hubby.

    Don't let him threaten you with divorce, or demean you, stand firm when he does. Say if he really feels that way then he should contact a lawyer right away. Say an argument can be common in marriages but you don't want to live in a marriage where every argument leads to "divorce" or "ugly/ unworthy".

    Ask him nicely if he has sexual issues, and that if he does, you are ready to work with him just like couples do for infertility treatments. Say you are not in this marriage to argue about who's the best n make it a race or live the whole life hiding behind argument to cover up any issues. Say you guys are partners and want to fix any issues together and lead a happy life.

    Don't be disheartened, it won't help you right now. Instead insist that you are an equal partner n don't take a step back from it. Say you treat me with respect, n I will do the same. We are stuck for the next 50 years together so let's make it better rather than miserable.

    Your life is in your hands, take control of it.
     
  6. Dishaa

    Dishaa Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Op,

    As suggested by others members please don't plan for kids (take some time).

    Assuming your husband has married you for social reasons here are my suggestions. Give him the biggest shock of his life.

    1. Don't let your husband dominate you with his anger issues, your looks instead answer him back stating even he his not any handsome hunk.
    2. If he threats for divorce please give him contact details of some divorce lawyers and immediately inform parents & relatives both sides give the reason as you don't look beautiful your husband wants divorce (create a big emotional drama).
    3. Instead of silently crying behind closed doors please do the reverse let everyone including neighbors your husband office know you are suffering.
    4. No need to prepare any food, open door when your husband comes from office or do any household activities.

    5. Also inform your husband you will state the reason for divorce as intimacy issues which will tarnish his reputation and since you have left your well paid job for marrying him so you will also claim Alimony from him.
    6. You will not hesitate to file a police complaint against him and his family if he tries to physically harm you.


    I am sure once you start implementing points 1 to 4 your husband will cool down, then you can share your terms with him, let him decide he wants a friend or an enemy.

    1. Tell him you love him with all his set backs and are ready to accompany with him for any medications / marriage consultation.
    2. Being his life partner, you expect respect and acceptance from him.


    Please don't cry or get depressed nor get carried away by what your parents or your husband is saying.

    Wish you a very happy and prosperous new year.....
     
  7. omnam

    omnam Platinum IL'ite

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    Hugs to you dear. Don't ever think of having child this guy at this point of time.
    I have been through this. Infact the personality you have mentioned is exactly like my ex H. I too had left job for marriage, no friends, he wanted me to make money and not baby. Added pain was he was sex maniac, he wanted every moment even after every fight, sexual abuse, physical abuse, in-laws issue. I wanted to be a mother in the mid all of this. His mom had mentored him all through. Finally we ended in divorce with a daughter in hand.
    Dear, please be patience not only with him but also with this marriage. Be firm to him on what you want. If he try to argue or control you with anger, just say you will not get scared of him and he has to change. And please focus on getting job. Then you can see the direction of this marriage.
    Having child in such marriage is painful, even child have to go through the abuse what you going through. Bring your child in happy and healthy environment.
     
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  8. omnam

    omnam Platinum IL'ite

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    Be strong , don't cry. Don't let him know that you are weak, he will dominate you more. Show how strong you are, either he will behave well or leave once for all.
     
    Happygirl6 likes this.
  9. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    Rule 1 : no child till relationship is stable
    Rule 2 : learn to say "NO" when you are subjected to any kindof force or disrespectful behaviour.
    Rule 3 : if he utters "divorce", ask him to get the papers ready and say firmly and boldly that even meanwhile you will prepare for that.

    Rule 4 : keep trying for job but don't take any verbal abuse whether you get the job or not.

    Rule 5 : try for counselling if situation is not handled by you alone.
     
  10. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    Duplicate post
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2018

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