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Problems during and after a divorce

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by arini, Jul 17, 2007.

  1. arini

    arini New IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    I am going through a rough phase in my married life(arranged) . It has been so since the time I got married 2 years back. I have adjusted a lot, forgiven a lot, let go a lot of stuff. My inlaws (I live with them) and husband have not been forthcoming in solving the issues.

    Sometimes I feel, I should have more guts and I should be able to, not bend to their pressures. Somehow I want to maintain the peace in the house and have been on the receiving end . I have tried to explain to my husband, he would say ok I am sorry and continue with the same thing.
    I have not retorted back to my inlaws, for I feel that would increase the troubles.

    I am financially independent and will have the support of my parents if I decide to quit (they would not be happy but they would support me).

    Being a small town, middle class girl, divorce is still a sort of taboo. But there are times when I am so tired and fedup that I would like to evaluate that option.

    I know there will be lots of people who would say that I should stay back and make the marriage work. Also some would say it is better to be alone than be miserable in married life.

    The good thing is we don't have kids to complicate the situation. I don't think having a kid would solve the issues. I would like to have a kid when I am sort of settled with the father not before that.

    I am not saying I am ready to quit. But I would like to know about all the problems a girl faces in India, during and post divorce. I don't have younger siblings whose marriage might be jeopardised.

    I would like people to share their experiences and views about this matter from all perspectives (financial, emotional, society, old age)

    Regards,
    Arini.
     
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  2. Sashmitaa

    Sashmitaa Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Arini,

    Welcome to IL and I am sure U will find the solution to ur problem. Idont want to give any elaborate suggestion as many of our fellow ILites have given valuable suggestions in other threads. pl go thru them patiently and U would come to know U r not the only one who is facing such kind of problem.

    Be patient
    Lakshmi
     
  3. Padmash

    Padmash Platinum IL'ite

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    hi Arini,

    i don't have too much experience but try to suggest u that instead of quitting try to stay separate for sometime may be ur husband realize ur problem and change himself a bit. divorce is not solution, u can read marriage exp mof many ladies they got valued by their husband after ten years of their marriage. so try to look for some positive things which makes u to stand for this marriage. as u said ur husband never stands for ny problem u have to take care, what type of problems? if there is any problem regarding his parents u don't interfere let them solve, if it's ur problem u take care. after divorce life is not comfortable for everyone, some women get a good life but for some life becomes a hell.

    take care
    padma
     
  4. sunkan

    sunkan Gold IL'ite

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    dear arini,
    u dont seem to have started loving ur husband at all, look at the letter u have given here, there is no mention of it too, arranged marriage takes a little time to get to know each other and it would be better to live seperate with ur hubby for sometime to get the marriage working, we as parents of girls encourage to study and work so that they would be able to cope when situation goes beyond but not to base their life on it, that is the independant attitude, it is sometime very nice to share with your spouse the affection and money not in that order but either way. when love precedes only then look for a child what u say is very true no use seeking a child before seeking a father, so u both need to mature a little and then decide. Every where in the world over, this misunderstanding problem is always there and we need to learn how to cope up with them, easy to cut off, it is not ur younger sibling or anything, only thing get ready if u are planning to quit to face many other problems like an unwanted move by men thinking u need companionship and so on, dont worry about the society kind of stuff if u r not happy then nothing can help.

    give ur self a break take a holiday with hubby or without and stay with your parents for sometime to get a clear picture of what u r into, dont hurt ur parents or ur inlaws, give ur self enough time to think and get out of the situation to do that right, hope been of help and all the best:2thumbsup: regards sunkan..
     
  5. arini

    arini New IL'ite

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    Dear all, Thanks for you help, advice and rebuke. I really don't know what is love for your husband. Is it very different from the love you have for your parents? I love my parents, they love me too. We try to listen and also not to hurt each other. Then why should it be different for a husband and wife? I feel loving my husband means nursing him back from the accident he met. But does loving a wife mean not giving a single consoling gesture when she is awake, sad and crying all night? When I got married I thought giving up things I like for his and his parents sake, adjusting to some unjust demands, was my love for them. I gave them what they wanted expecting something back from them. But the demands only keep increasing and so does my frustration. I asked my husband what if I were daring enough to say no, what if I were not to bend from the first day. He says then he would be used to it. All I expected was to have a two way relationship with my inlaws and husband. Why has this boiled down to only don't do this and do that and nowhere the mention, the care of what would you like to do dear? After two years I don't have the right to take the smallest of decisions, regarding myself or anything about the house. Also people don't even bother to inform me of major decisions that they have taken. I want to be included. From childhood I was given a place in the house. I find none now. I don't even have the right to ask my parents visit me sometimes. It is not that I have got whatever I wanted from my parents, but I was always heard. Here the concept of hearing the bahu of the house is non existent. My mother in law has accepted her fate and takes out all her frustrations on me. My charitable soul on the good days understands that. But I need someone to support me, emotionally and in other ways too. My husband is of the view that since I am working he can waste away all his money, use mine and all my needs are none of his concern. When I ask, he says why marry a working wife if I have to get bogged down by her needs. So where does all this end? Currently it is only giving me the married women title and maybe warding off other men's advances. But is it enough to sacrifice every thing else in life? I think I need to start saying no to unjust demands, whatever their consequences may be. May be I am accepting everything only with the fear of unpleasant consequences. Maybe things might change once I become more assertive. A lady friend of mine says that one should explain ones point of view to elders also, otherwise you are just taken for granted. Please help!
     
  6. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    your dilemma sounds so familiar.. Welcome to over-thinking,self-sacrificing wives club :) .
    Thats just a light line to start with. First of all, you are very right in saying.. You need to be assertive. But being assertive and being aggressive are very close relative term. I hope you would not cross that line.
    You can fill your mind with all thought of "how your mistreated?" "how they dont care for you?" "you shud get something in back"
    Well Lets have a reality check. Parents and spouse relation shud be same in theory.. But in reality... Its not.. bcos a women had to build relation with spouse brick by brick mostly alone..With parents things are different.. you were BORN to them...they took care...no matter how much pain you gave.. You can strive for that kind of love with spouse. But believe me, for happy marriage, you really dont need that kind of love.. We love our frends? right...they dont love us like parents.. their love is different.
    Same way spouse and IL's love is different. Although you can find it pleasing..only if you allow yourself to experience it.
    1.First be realistic.. Your husband wont be suddenly attached to you..just bcos you have exchanged garlands..You have to build it brick by brick..and you also have to teach him indirectly..How to care for you.. How you want him to love you..
    2. Be smart... Dont be stupid to get misused. Safegaurd you interests. But at the same time, learn diplomacy to be good for everyone, still achieveing your goals in life.
    3. Be strong emotionally.. do nt be an emotional fool. your crying all nite doesnot help anything..expcet getting you some headache and swollen eyes. All you need in the case of disagreement with spouse , is clear thinking mind..and not overbloating heart..
    4. Be tactful ..You are the lady of the house...and you should decide how ur household will go.. You will not get those rights just by deafult.. You need to gradually qualify and prove to others.. you can take care o fit..

    Marital peace is as easy thing as it seems tough... we just need to shed our selfish self and be more encompassing.. Learn some tricks of the game.. And come back in game...
    dont get all worked up.. there are some 50-60 years of married life to be spent together..If you are getting bigged down in2 years.. how will you race in long run..
    I hope it gives you some pointers..
    cheers
    Ria
     

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