1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Problem with Parents

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Athaalia, Oct 9, 2007.

  1. Athaalia

    Athaalia New IL'ite

    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    I have a very sensitive issue on hand, not with in-laws but with parents...My sister is getting married soon and my parents are short on money. I am married and used to work, but now I am not..My mother asked me to loan some money to my father, for the wedding and initially i agreed, but now she comes back and asked me for ten thousand US $. My bank balance is just a little over that and I spoke to my husband about it. He's a nice person and lets me have my way in everything..He said to me, "its not upto me to decide, its your money, but you know that it is our emergency fund"...which is true. we just had a new baby boy and our expenses have doubled. I dont know what to do now.. My father will return the money, eventually but I dont know when. I feel kind of awkward as he can easily get a loan elsewhere, with no effort, but knowing I have some saved up money, they think it will be easy to get it from me.And he is not the kind of person who will keep his word..for my marriage itself, which happened 3 years ago, they still give me the "seeru varusai" , which they promised my in-laws.. They don't realise that somehow if my in-laws get to know of this, they will speak ill of them. I cant tell my parents no , either.. I don't know how to handle this issue. Moreover my mother is so irritating when it comes to money, she always insinuates that me and my husband are rich, when in fact we are not, and drops hints always saying that we are able to give them money when they need it. I am really irritated with her behaviour. And not only that she is a grandmother and can call her grandchild with so many lovely names, but she calls my son a really stupid name like "mini"..till now she has never called my son by name. I am very angry.Please advise.
     
    Loading...

  2. AshaUnni

    AshaUnni New IL'ite

    Messages:
    37
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    6
    Gender:
    Female
    Be cool.....
    First of all you should not think that your parents are irritating you. You should think in their perspective also. One more thing, whatever you are now, only because of them. So be cool and calm.

    As this is really sensitive matter, handle it with care. I would like to advise you, not to give the whole money as it is the only saving you have and you are not working now. You can call or mail your father mentioning all these problems. Anyway as an elder sister, you also should have some responsibility about your sister’s marriage. Please do that. Please do not bother about the name that your parents used to call your son. It’s really a silly matter. You are feeling bad only because it happens in middle of these problems.

    So with a peaceful mind, call your father and inform all matters. Problems will increase if you keep it in your mind. You should discuss it with your parents.:-D

    Regards
     
    sindmani likes this.
  3. Mahajanpragati

    Mahajanpragati Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,036
    Likes Received:
    1,330
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    dear friend ,
    do not offend ur parents by directly saying no.maybe say that in usa one has to put some fixed money in baby's name which the parent cannot touch so u can afford only small amount(quote the amount which u can easily spare)
    also ,when ur mom calls ur son mini just show ignorance & ask who u r talking about .then if she says that ur son .u can say oh but his name is.....not mini.i believe that' yatha naam thaatha guun i.e as name so r qualities & too feel offended if someone calls me or my son with some othername than the true one.
     
  4. Devika Menon

    Devika Menon Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    3,056
    Likes Received:
    55
    Trophy Points:
    130
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi.

    It was sad to read your side of the story, the basic problem is that you have mentally divided the two families which is the greatest mistake that people generally make . I would say its pay back time. Things would nt have always been easy for your parents while you were growing up but they probably never burderned you with them , hoping that someday you would be able to partake a share of your responsibility. You are young and can still earn money with he blessings of your parents. Be as good to give as you have been to take. hope i have been able to let you do some soulfull reasoning , rather than your rational and logical reasoning. Sometimes its good to listen to the heart than your head and dont forget it wont be long before your child grows up and then you wouldnt want to be in your fathers shoes.
     
  5. priyauc

    priyauc Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    257
    Likes Received:
    18
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi , i am shocked to read your mail. I think of myself as a son to my mother, and here you are so perplexed by the thought of helping your own parents in their time of crisis. You should consider yourself fortunate that you are getting a chance to help them. WHAT IF YOU NEEDED HELP DO YOU THINK THEY WOULD TURN YOU DOWN IF THEY COULD HELP. Never! help with as much as you can, there is no need to give up all your savings. The thought is most imp. Tomorrow if you are in their position and if your child did this to you how would u feel.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  6. JayaJ

    JayaJ Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    212
    Likes Received:
    5
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Aathalia,

    You are the eldest daughter. You are supposed to shoulder half the responsibility of your sister's marriage.
    when your parents are asking you for money, dont assume they are happy about it. they must be feeling great discomfort asking you for money. Give them how muchever you think u can afford mayb 8k. keep the remaining for your expense. dont tell me that whatever u have saved is the only earning in your house?

    As for her calling your son mini, mayb that is her way of expressing her love for your son. is it so bad? i think u r blowing things out of proportion. u need to have a more mature and understanding approach.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  7. srilak

    srilak Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    185
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    HI Athaalia,

    Please lend the money to your parents, I think that is the right thing to do. After reading your mail, I got one doubt that don't u share everything with your parents and with your sister. If u shared everything then they don't ask u to give the total of your savings money.

    First, tell to your mother about how much u have and how much u can lend. She will definetly understand your situation. One mother only can understand other mother's struggle and pain so u are a mother and u should know and understand your mother's point of view. Now thier priority is that to finish your sister's wedding so please help them.

    During my marriage my sister helped my mother to buy the jewlery whichever needed for my marriage. My mother paid her eventually. Now I gave money for my brother for his studies and again my sister gave money for my mother for house building. No documents signed and no promising of when to pay it back......if my brother didn't pay it back also I don't bother.....I am happy I could help him when he needed my help.

    So don't step back give your helping hand to your mother. I am sure your mother will tell everyone that her elder daughter helped her in her youngest daughter's marriage.

    Did I mention that I and my sister gave the money to my mother and brother which wasn't ours.....our husbend's...they are so generous to give the money to my parents...

    Ask your husbend to lend some money if u like to keep yours in savings account then tell your parents that is your husbend's money and he wants it to be paid...They will understand.

    Hope it helps.
    Srilak.
     
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2007
  8. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    792
    Likes Received:
    53
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    I have never fired anyone here in on this forum. But I have to fire your apprehensions. I must say I am disgusted to know, Children like you exist in this world.
    I did a small extra effort of seeing all messages from you. And all I cud get were just two threads.. one "problem with parents" and second "irritating mom".
    So I see, where you are getting this thoughts from. You know what, you should not give any money to your parents. Because they should come to know what kind of hopeless daughter they have. I would never regard a spouse who cannt help his own parents in their time of need.So i dont know why your dear husband is not giving you wisdom. Probably you have chosen somebody like you.

    If you think your parents cannt marry their daughter off without your help. Then you are wrong. They are much better who educated you and gave you your being who thinks like this.

    :bang
     
  9. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,047
    Likes Received:
    1,236
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Male
    Dear Athaalia,

    You really have a sensitive problem in your hand. If your parents can raise the money by other sources then it is not wise on your part to wipe off your emergency fund just like that. And you are not sure about your father returning the money.

    You think that if you do not lend the money now, the relationship will be lost. But if you lend the money and if your father does not return it, or the money is not there when you most need it, even then the relationship will be lost.

    The best way out is just give some thing like 1000 $ or 1500$ and tell them that it is a gift and they need not give that back. Tell them that's all the money you have on your checking account and the rest of the funds are locked up in mutual funds and wll entail a huge withdrawal penalty.

    That way there won't be any hard feelings either side.

    If in spite of this your parents feel bad, it is their problem. Be gentle and yet firm.

    From your post I find that you have given adequate thought to this problem. So whatever you decide don't ever feel guilty about it.

    I have been dealing with money and people all my life. In a situation like this, the relationship invariably gets from bad to worse, when you lend the money. If you refuse, there may be initial bitterness but it will be all right later.

    regards,
     
    yesican likes this.
  10. balamotwani

    balamotwani Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    277
    Likes Received:
    16
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Friend,

    I know Money is important for everyone in this world. But relationships are more important than money. Many of them have advised you, blasted you, ...
    You can take my reply in anyway you want. But remember always
    "Parents brought you into this world, whatever you are, it is because of them. Sisters and Brothers are blood relations. You can earn money and buy everything but you can never buy parents."

    Keep some money for your emergency purpose. Give whatever you can, may be as a gift, do not worry about getting it back from your dad. I know, may be you had some problem with your inlaws regarding the dowry issue that makes you feel irritated and frustrated. Your parents have another daughter to get married, you should understand. As you said your hubby is good, then he can handle this issue and put an end to the dowry issue so that your inlaws never comment or nag about it. You are trying to find all reasons to get irriated with your mom, which is not fair. When the kids grow up, parents always expect from their kids anything and everything. You will know this when your kid growsup. It is your duty to help them when they are in need. You should be a good daughter and a good sister, you should be ready to help without them asking you.

    Try to change your mentality.
     

Share This Page