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Problem with my in-laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by orion80, Sep 18, 2007.

  1. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I am facing a problem with my in-laws related to money and i really dont know how to solve this.

    Firstly, let me start with my background. I was a widow with a 1 yr baby girl. All my relatives, including my mother and brother (lost my father) started harrassing me for money. I am a software engineer. i used to feel very lonely and nowhere to go.. Then i met this wonderful person (who also became my husband), who gave me all the love in this world and treated my baby like a princess. He used to try his best to make me come out of the depression and make me happy. He also told his parents that he wants to marry me. They opposed very seriously but he went ahead and married me. They refused to acknowledge our marriage.

    Now a little about my husband's background. His father is a govt clerk and his mother a home maker. He has a younger brother. His father retired about 4 years back and his brother is working part time. So my husband sends money for their monthly expenditure. He also sends extra money for any extra expenses they have.

    So after our marriage, my husband made my life heaven. He adopted my daughter and pampers her like a princess. I cannot explain my thanks or love for him in words. After all the harrassment from my own mother, his love and the happiness he gives are wonderful. My husband made sure that after marriage, i and my in-laws dont come in touch with one another to avoid the friction. It has been 2 years after the marriage and until now i havent talked or seen my in-laws..

    Before marriage, my husband used to send 10,000 per month for their parents monthly expenditure. After marriage, demands from their side started increasing and now we are sending 25000 per month. Apart from this, any extra expenditure from their side like bike for my BIL or jewellery for my MIL have to be borne by my husband.. i know that they are emotionally blackmailing my husband for money. They even blame my husband for not sending enough money.. But my husband who is so mature in understanding things, fails miserably in this area.. he thinks that the money he is sending to his parents is very less and his parents are always hardpressed for money...

    In bangalore, living in a rented house of 15,000 our monthly expenditure doesnt cross 25000. They are living in their own house and they say that 25000 per month is not enough. They say they spend around 20,000 for medicines and only 5000 for their expenses.. Oh please.. i would really like to know the medicines which are costing them so much...

    I wonder how my FIL managed just 5 years earlier when he was getting only 4000 salary and my husband couldnt send any money due to a small job???!!!!

    Thats not all, my husband due to his initial reckless ways of spending has landed in a loan of 25laks and almost all of his income goes in repaying those loans. There is no saving at all. I am very much concerned about my daughter's future. If this goes on, how will we plan for my daughter's future??

    Please guide me how to enlighten my hubby on this. He is a very nice person and i dont want to hurt him. I talk very little about my in-laws with my husband and that too to enquire their health and well-being b'coz thats a very sensitive subject.

    Hope you understand what i am going thru.. How to tell my husband that his parents demands are too much without hurting him??
     
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  2. latamurali

    latamurali Gold IL'ite

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    Hi friend

    Read ur problem and i really want to you to help by suggesting some ideas to convey the message to ur husband and also make him realise the facts.

    And, not only you, many of us facing the same problem, so dont worry, lets discuss with our friends and get their valuable suggestions.

    1.If u want to discuss about this matter to him, do that, while he is in good mood i.e. def'ly u can feel that he will hear to you and respind properly choose that time

    2.Now-a-days even if we earn 1 lakh v have expenditure for 1.25 laks cost of living is like that, so , try to put a budget for everything like regular expenditures and also for savings etc like every motnh what is ur expenditutre how much ur sending for ur inlaws and what is ur regular savings etc etc
    put budgetr for them also that is if ur giving them 25000 make a budget hw much they are spending for Food,Medicine,and all other expenditure so that u can find out how much they really spend and how much is remainig there

    for running 3 mrembers in a family u can approximately put hw much they spend for proviions, eb, medicine,etc etc to the maximum definitely it will clearly shows that even if they spend luxuirously the amount u send them is MORE THAN ENOUGH

    ( since u have a small kid u have to make some regular monthly investments from this stage for her studies as well as wedding, we wont get money all of a sudden at that time , we have to plan right from the earlier stage, EVEN IF UR VERY RICH AM I RIGHT)

    do u understand why iam telling this idea, while doing this, he wll come to know all the happenings reagarding money matter(thats is being in Banglore ur expenditure is this amount and they living in own house spending this much etc) and dont tell this abruptly but make him to realise the fact, since u have told that ur husband treats ur baby like hgis own then definitely he will accept to start some savings plan for ur babys future.

    LET UR INVESTMENTS BE UR FIRST EXPENDITURE

    SO IF U PUT BUDGET FOR EVERYTHING THEN HE WONT BE IN A POSITION TO SEND EXTRA MONEY AND HE ALSO WONT FEEL GUITLY THAT HE CANNOT SEND MONEY WHENEVER THEY WANT SINCE HE DONT HAVE

    Iam not a person who restricts husband doing for inlaws , even iam from gud family and helping my inlaws and feels that its our main responsibility to take CARE of them at the older age

    but we should plan for our family also , see, now-a-days no one will come to help us at our financial crisis or bad time , we have to be cautious and save something for the unexpected happennings and for the future , be aware of all that

    Discuss all the above matter with him politely and make him to realise the truth and also try to find out what regular expenditure they are making

    So. dont worry friend, since ur husband loves u and ur daughter very much, hw will definitley listen to u and u will be spending ur rest of the life happily with him. BE HAPPY

    latamurali

    NOTHING CAN BRING U PEACE BUT YOURSELVES
     
  3. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Lata,

    Thank you very much for understanding my situation. That is a very good advice.

    But the problem is as i and my in-laws dont interact, i do not know much about them or their expenditure. When i ask my husband about this, he says that the medical expenditure for my MIL alone is 16000 per month and so even if we send 25000 per month, it is barely enough for their needs, so they cannot save anything out of the money we send them. I really wonder what treatment would cost so much on a monthly basis!!??

    They know how much debt my husband is facing. Sometimes we had to postpone the payment of some EMIs due to lack of money and that almost became a legal problem. They know everything about this but still keep asking my husband for more. And they dont do it direclty also. My FIL says that he couldnt buy medicines for my MIL this month due to some other expenditures. Immediately, my husband sends them the extra money for the medicines. I sometimes feel they are emotionally balck-mailing hiim.

    My husband who is very mature in thinking about life doesnt give much thought to financial planning especially when it comes to giving money to his parents. I tell him that if we continue at this rate we will not be able to face any crisis situation. But he says, it is necessary to keep his mother alive. What can i say to that?

    As per your advice, i gave instructions to my bank to convert a part of my salary every month to fixed deposit. But that would bring a lot of pressure on us financially.

    It is a first step towards our financially secure future and i am glad i started it atleast now. Thank you very much Lata ji :)
     
  4. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    One more thing i would like to add is that nowadays my husband is getting very touchy when it comes to discussing money matters. He is becoming very moody & sulky for days when i raise the topic that i am scared to even discuss about planning of the finances.

    So how can i discuss with my husband?
     
  5. amsa

    amsa New IL'ite

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    Hi orion,

    i can understand ur problem bcoz i came across the same problem....speak about this problem in a soft manner....ask his opinion about this issue....tell him in future without any saving we cant do anything....try to clear, him money is not a matter but they purposely doing this thing....in this old age they require this much of money means, just now u started ur life with a kid with lots of dream...as u told this is a sensitive matter handle it carefully..if he dislikes this topic means simply leave for few months...things will change.otherwise buy any assets using loan which by itself reduce income,and tell them im also economically in tight position..
    bye
     
  6. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Amsa,

    When i asked him his opinion about the money sent to his parents, he says that it is their medical expenses which resulted in such expenditure and that they cannot survive without the medicines. What can i say to that? If i talk anything more, he would look hurt and i cannot speak further.

    Regarding taking loan to buy assets, we already have personal loans amounting to 25laks. Sometimes we find it difficult to pay the EMIs also. My in laws know about this financial situation. But still their demands keep on increasing.

    Now i am planning to take some money out of my salary on 1st itself and make it a fixed deposit so that we cannot move the money. Let me see what happens.
     
  7. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    If you want to know yr MIL's health issue, you can show some concern and ask what she is suffering from... Tell your hubby that if it is something serious you could explore in our company if you can re-imbursed for the medicines. In fact you can tell your hubby to ask his dad (your FIL) to send all the medicine receipts to you guys. And that you will request your company if it will be possible to reimburse. Later ofcourse you can always say that the company did not agree. But this way you can find out what they are spending on medicines and what is the disease your MIL is suffering from.

    About your husband getting touchy about money discussions - I would leave it for some time. Give a few months and let him get back to normal. After that raise the topic of investing for your daughter. In fact when her next birthday comes up, tell him that it would be a good idea to put something in her name.

    Hope this helps.. all the best...
     
  8. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Aarushi,

    My MIL is suffering from arthritis and diabetes. But i know few of my relatives who have diabetes or arthritis problem. They dont spend so much on their medicines. My FIL says that they are using ayurveda. But is it so expensive??

    As per your advice, i will not raise the topic about finances. But i will quietly start investing something on her name. These days i am so panicky about the financial situation that i am not able to sleep at nights..

    I would like to thank all of you for your advice. I will definitely try them out. More than the advice, it is the confidence that i can share my thoughts with someone and rely on them, that is keeping me going.. :2thumbsup:
     
  9. diana

    diana Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear friend,

    Read your posts. Let me give you some of my suggestions.

    First stop worrying for your future now, I mean no saving for the future for the time being. Before you plan for your daughters or your family’s future, get your present sorted out. Solve your present loans and clear them that should be your goal. Once your loans and all things are put in place. Then start investing in future plans, like kids further studies and her marriage.

    If you try putting money in all things you will be left with nothing. Try to involve your husband in it, giving him all the details. That way he too will start thinking in a positive way. Never mention about his family increasing demands.

    Weigh yourself what is important to you?
    • Love and a sound married life or
    • Money but with troubled relationship.
    Financial talks many a times bring in trouble and sours one’s relationship. Be grateful you have a loving husband. Since you are newly married, try to make a strong foundation in your married life, give it sometime, then you will be able to talk on these delicate matters.

    Be happy and stop worrying. Have a happy married life. All the best.:2thumbsup:

    Diana
     
  10. vidyasundar

    vidyasundar Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi orion,
    since you are also earning both of you can share your monthly expenditure which includes savings also 50-50 rest of your earnings both of you can spend in your own way and never ask about what he did with the money. how much you want ask him and take never ask how much he is givg his parents.
    dont worry be happy
    may god bless you with health and wealth
    all the best

    regards
    vidyasundar
     

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