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Problem with my husband and his family

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by rina123_sahu, Oct 26, 2007.

  1. rina123_sahu

    rina123_sahu New IL'ite

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    hi,

    I got married 3 yrs before and just 20days after my marriage i went to USA with my husband as he is working there. I have 3 sister-in-laws and i brother- in-law and all are elder than us and up course his parents . My husband belonged to a very poor family. So right after his job he spent all money in his 2 sister's marriage, now all are married, made house for his family, bought furniture, jewelery,bike, tv, fridge and so on. Even he gives money and very very costly gifts to his sisters as well. Actually his family is run my his brother and mother. He has nearly spent 8 yrs of his total earning on his family which will be cost more than 20lakhs. His brother does nothing and try to eat all of my husband's money.

    But right after our marriage i told my husband to spend money like this. But he did not listen me at all. Then i took one of his friend's help who then convinced him. Even i came to know that his brother and his wife did not want my husband to get married. Even my husband realize this and he knows that his family wants only money from him. But after marriage when i started saying against his family he takes his family side only. He says that whatever they ere saying thats right. As i am living abroad there expectation his high as well. I will fulfill all of their dream. Even they always want to keep my hubby in their hand. I can simply see that they are emotionally blackmailing him. My husband who is very clever, fails miserably in this area. All of his family member keep relationship only because of money. Every month we send money and fulfill all of their expectation. Even it is in my husband mind to make more house, car, shop etc etc for his family. More i am trying to detach him from his family more he is getting attracted to his family. Thinking to go india is a nightmare for me. I feel that when i go india my husband behaves me just like a stranger. He gives all of the importance to his family.

    Even his brother and bhabi are jealous to my kids. As a mother i have seen how they hate my kid. Even my bhabi she told me directly not to have more kids. When i heard this i was just shocked. I have been told that my husband can live me but not his family.But i think its useless to say to my husband because he will simply take their side.

    He always blame me and my family. He says that you are belonged to a bad family. You are a modern distracted lady. You don't know what the relationship is, etc etc. Sometimes i think am i really bad? Can i ever get rid of these problems? I am just helpless. Still i have faith that it's only 3yrs of my marriage. Day will come everything will be changed.
     
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  2. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Rina,

    Sorry to hear about you. There are many ladies out there who are sailing in the same boat. One thing that we wives need to understand is even though the husbands know that their family is taking advantage of them or ill-treating their wives...still the husband will never accept it and if the wife openly says about it they don't like it. So it is no use of nagging them or amking them realise how their family is.

    Instead be diplomatic and try to make your future secure. Maybe in some way you can convince your husband to invest for your child's future...or to buy a house for yourself there make some other type of investments etc. But don't tell him not to spend for his family else he will get furious.

    I have always seen that if there are 2-3 DIL in the family...and if the husband's character is similar to yours for them the wives are outsiders but not the other DIL's of the family.

    So just ignore these things and try not to poison his ears against his family. Instead if your are getting money for house hold expense then start saving from this and don't make it obvious. I don't how much cash you will be getting as in US most of the spending is done thru credit cards or bills are paid directly online.

    Don't try to overdo anything...be calm and take care of yourself and your child. If you will try to change your husband or keep nagging him then your relationship will strain and and you might fell depressed and stressed out and this will have an adverse effect on your health.

    Another alternative is try doing EFT and send positive vibrations. Visit the website EFT Provides Impressive Health and Emotional Freedom--New Discovery Often Works Where Nothing Else This therapy has helped quite a few people.

    All the Best
    Warm Regards
    Roopa.
     
  3. monlisa

    monlisa Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Rina,

    My two cents

    This is a common problem to evry women...dont think about this too much...i would say plan some thing for your family or save by your self.....I am married two years back .... i have two brother in laws and my inlaws family and we are the ones who have to send evry thing....even i was worried before like you...but after reading so many posts got to know that its their duty to help them....one thing i can say you that...for evry action there is equal and opposite reaction..so you are spending money on them..you will definetly get the money back from some source or the other...so dont worry about the money he is spending on them and dont say anything about this ....you have to feel glad that your husband is so responsible and carying..and i am sure that he will sure do his duty in rising your kids..so dont think much about this..and try to be financially independent..once when you become independent ....you will be busy that you never get a minute to think all this scrap..and i am sure you will enjoy your life...all the best
     
  4. rina123_sahu

    rina123_sahu New IL'ite

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    hi


    I agree with you. But this is not so easy what you are thinking. I don't think i can ignore this matter so easily. His family members know that my husband is not listening to me. So they started passing me comments and bad things to me which is really difficult for me to tolerate.

    Just one question will this problem solve one day?
     
    nakshatra1 likes this.
  5. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Rina,

    As others have suggested, trying to detach your husband from his family is not working. And all it is doing is creating animosity between you and your hubby.

    So take stock of what you are doing and what reaction is it getting. Yes, it is difficult to sit by and see the hard earned money go all to his greedy parents and siblings. But you trying to tell the same to your hubby in so many words is not going to endear you to him.

    If I were you, I would leave discussing in-laws for a while. Let him spend what he wants to. Since he is not listening to you on this anyways, why waste your breath and have fights? Rather than say anything about his spending on his brothers/sisters, I would say something like - why don't we start a savings account for our baby..or why don't we buy some stocks in our babies names etc...

    When you fight with your husband and start asking him to choose between his parents and you, you are asking for loss of face. A husband will never say that I will choose you over my mom(or dad or brother etc). So don't give him that close ended question to answer.

    Change your tactic instead. When he next mentions sending money to his parents or sibling, be supportive and say that yes, we should make sure that they also get to enjoy the finer things in life or yes, we should ensure that their kids at least study in good schools. That way your husband will start feeling that you also care for his family. So after a few months of this, when you say that why did your brother buy a motorbike or a car(for example) with the money when he should be saving for his kids education, he will tend to be more receptive to listening to you. His mind will not automatically throw up a mental block that you always try to stop him from sending his family money.

    Think of it this way. Ask yourself how difficult would it be for you to say no if your parents asked you for some money and said how important it is for them. And if your hubby straightaway said no, it would cause resentment inside your heart, won't it. But what if your husband supported you in your spending on your parents in general but for after some months, he suggested that financially, you guys are being stretched to your limit and maybe you can give a little less to your parents the next time..You will be more amenable to listening him, won't you?

    Hope this helps.
     
    Dishaa likes this.
  6. Mahajanpragati

    Mahajanpragati Platinum IL'ite

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    hi rina,
    i agree with Aarushi views.let him help for few months without making issue,then when he feels u do not making any trouble ,tell him politely about the misuse made by bro & bro's wife of his hard earned money.he will definitely listen to u.
    love
    pragati
     
  7. lovinglife

    lovinglife New IL'ite

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    To answer the question you keep asking over and over again.....

    NO, this will NEVER change.
     
  8. lovinglife

    lovinglife New IL'ite

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    WOW.....you are really upset and are SCREAMING and YELLING when you type stuff in all caps!!. :spin Whay are you doing that??

    I agree with you that a lot of them living in India think that things here are free and we are obligated to buy them stuff. This is wrong and it annoys me too.

    But, just because your wife stays home and takes care of your two kids, does not mean that lowers her value in any way and you have NO RIGHT (yes, I am screaming) to call her a "low life" villager. This is so wrong!! Read this article when you get a chance.

    What Is Mom Worth? Working Mom Vs. Stay At Home Mom

    It says research shows that Moms work an average of 90 hours a week, which is far more than the paltry 40 hours you put into your job in the office, of which half of it is spent chatting with co-workers, browing the internet, etc. If you start paying her even a minimum wage of $8.00 for her 90 hrs every week, you can't afford to pay her a salary for all the work she does!!

    Dont ever stay in a marriage just for the kids' sake. Maybe you will do her a huge favor if you divorce her, so she can have a more respectable life than living with someone who goes on a message board and calls his wife a "low life villager"
     
  9. nirmiti27

    nirmiti27 New IL'ite

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    Hi Rina,
    I to had the same problem and had lot of fights...but when i discuss with my hubby ...he use to say...i bought you flat, gold, health/retirement plan and offcourse a lavish life.....so i need to fulfill my duty too...i have 1 BIL who is elder than DH...he is a clerk(small salary)but take great care of his parents, look after farms and do all the physicall help he can do to his parrents....my hubby said"If i cant help them by physical presence...like taking them to doctor, looking after thier medecine, massaging their feet/body...and spening some quality time with them...then atleast i can feel that i am doing my 1/4 %of child's duty by paying their bills...giving them lavish life"....what if they never ever took care of me when i was young....so then onwards i never ever bother him..also my parents were happy with him by taking such good decision(they always support him...if he is not wrong).bonk

    But mind you i also had made my future save...my pension plan(LIC) which will give us 10laks /pa when he turns 55 yrs..we need to pay a very high amount as instalment though...a beautiful 3BHK Flat and offcourse a secure and lavish life...but when he says tht he wants to buy any type of property .. i make sure that it will be on his name/ or my name...so in future if any problem comes...it will be with us...and he agreed to it.

    so try to talk to him....and make ur husband, children and your life secure!!
    rest leave it to god...he will take care
    nirmiti
     
  10. sh2004

    sh2004 New IL'ite

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    I am really sorry to tell you this, this problem will never going solved because even i am going through the same thing.
    the best think is to just to have patience and watch.

    Or be strong leave your husband and stay separate, may be you might feel lonely for some time but i thing it is better than being as stranger in weird family.
     

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