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Problem at home

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by harshbharathi, Aug 8, 2007.

  1. harshbharathi

    harshbharathi New IL'ite

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    Hi All ILs,

    I thought of sharing this in IL since long time , but did not due to hesitation.Anyway I want to unload the burden.

    I am married since 2004. Mine is a love marriage . My husband was my yearmate and we met during early days of college. We are from diff. caste and community.
    As usual Love is blind and I liked and love him so much and showed interest in him that initially even if he was not interested he started loving me.
    5 years of love and finally we got the permission of our parents and got married. Before marriage my only dream was to be near him , marry him and live with him. I did not think anything abt the post married life,(for which I feel sorry now) . Though my parents were not fully convinced for my marraige since mine was the first marriage in my family , they said ok purely because of my interest and adamance. My father who loved me a lot than my mother was totally shocked when i told abt my love to him, and he strongly warned me to take time and think since he was not happy with the caste in which I am going to go.....I threw all his advices in air and firmly said I want to get married only there What my poor father woudl do ,,,,,he simply did what was compelled by me.....

    I gave up eating Non-Veg and changed my food habits completely only for my hubby .
    My post marrried life is something new to me . I did not get any formal advice from my mother or from my relations how I shd behave there. I had a very good opinion abt my MIL .My MIL is widow and My husband has a elder brother married with two children settled in Hyderabad. I came to "pungundha veedu" believing I will get "only" good feelings and expericences. This turned out to be completely wrong, My MIL did not tell me anything abt my daily day to day activities since the culture was entirely different between the families , even same language ascent differed, but she expected me to do things perfectly right from day one (My husband himself does not follow such habits ).She used to scold frankly if I do something wrong in such habits. She did not have any thought that I am new to that culture and don't know many new things and she shd alteast give a clue of it to me since there is none in the house other than MIL, we two and one servant maid staying with MIL years together.
    Whatever she scolds , I would not say anything back (becos of respect and good impression on her). Later she started complaining abt this attitude to my hubby that I am very stubborn and adamant with headweight ......
    What I did and how it turned out............

    Initial days , she did not allow me to cook ...she preferred cooking whatever it is, even if she is ill , she would atleast keep one rasam and nobody in house shd do anything without her permission . The cooking style differed in my mom's and MIL;'s place. She never bothered to even teach me her way of cooking and several times my hubby and myslef have asked her to allow me cooking for atleast one day ,,,,,She simply said she would not allow me to cook ..........
    Believe after 2 yrs of marriage, I don't know cooking ......Once co-sister happened to stay in our house and she taught me cooking their stuff and thanks to that I know cooking better than before.......Still my MIL never realises what she has done to me , how her activities would make others feel. All the house hold responsibilities right from getting provision till paper bill she wants to do by herslef without getting anybody's help.....we just give an amount and stay , that's it she never allows us to do any of these things though I have expressed my wish several times that I am interested to know all these things ....even she would not allow me to grind the batter..........If she is ill , she would prefer somebody's company to take to doctor rather than her DIL's company .......

    Initial days of marriage , I bought few furniture and utensils for home and presented them as a surprise to her and she was having a complaint that I did not ask her before getting and she passed hurting comments to one of her relative abt these things which I came to know later and really felt upset.......

    My hubby told me to reply whenever she talks like this since MIL interprets my silence for headweight ....After that I started replying whenever she talks badly / complains abt something when my feelings are badly hurt.................She used to shout back and when I leave to work she would share her burden of fight with me / my hubby with her relative ........So right now , I do not have good image among any of her relatives.

    Briefly, she wants to dominate house at this old age with greater independency.

    We have tried several times to explain to MIL that we are here only for her , we do not want to leave her alone and neither my hubby wants to leave his mother alone with servant maid nor I want to separate them till she is there I would prefer her son with her.....Though we have made this point clear , she has told several times that my hubby loves and cares for me than what he has for her.

    After nearly 4 yrs of marriage I know abt her well and her complaining nature and I don;t involve much in talking to her , I just answer the question she asks me and go away and has tried to limit my involvement which I showed in initial days and my dependency on her.......

    Day by day , her dominance is increasing and I really don't know how to tackle this problem neither we can go alone nor accept her dominance and commands sicne I am alos of independent nature like her and do not want to loose my self -respect now which I have lost initial days of marriage.

  2. sunitha

    sunitha Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Harshbharathi

    Sometimes what will work will only be separation.In this case,you seem to have put your best efforts forward and inspite of that and 4 yrs of married life,you still are going thru' this.

    I can easily put myself in your shoes since I too had a love marriage and an inter-caste one at that.Our languages are different and even though both of us belong to the forward castes,his caste is superior to mine and that has been forever drilled into my head by my FIL. He would never ever lose an opportunity to tell me about the virtues of his caste and how no other caste can match upto that.He would even want me to call my relatives 'Periappa' 'Chitappa' etc in his language and not to use my language.I can go on and on ...But,no,I don't want to rekindle all that again.

    One thing to realise is,these people will never change so don't expect that to happen.Since your MIL is so independent and does not require your help in anything,I think you and hubby should go separate.Like I said somewhere earlier in some other thread 'Familiarity breeds contempt'...Only when you people move far away,she will realise your value.
  3. Aabhi

    Aabhi Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Harshbharathi,

    I can understand your humiliation. In tamil as they say, Mellavum Mudiyaama Mulungavum Mudiyaatha Kastam. First of all thanks for being good to your MIL, despite of her bad behaviour. But believe me, god will bless you for this. It's a part of our culture that Elder's are ALWAYS right and the youngers should just respect and follow :idontgetit:. Now, talking about the solution. As per my opinion, getting separated from your MIL permanently is not fair. What ever her habit would be, however she behaves - she is a widow mother. You have to consider that fact. It's very easy to say, that she is independent and can manage with servant maid. Would we do that to our widowed mother - NO. Somehow you have to make her realize that you care for her and would love to have her cooperation. I would say PATIENCE is the best solution for this. I know since 4 years you are trying your best but no results. Divert your concentration to your work, kids (if any) and other activities... You've mentioned that you are working, which is good you only have to just spend very few hours at home. Last but not the least at all, please please pray to god whole heartly every day.

    Things may not change just within seconds as magic, but certainly will ripe in course of time. I am not asking you to sacrifice all your happiness and be dump. Have minimal conversation, act smart (at the same time don't hurt) so that she cannot blame you, just calm youselves and stay in neutral mode with her, inform your husband that you are doing this for him (because it's his mother) his love towards you will increase, I guess he is supportive to you. I repeat this again, that you will be blessed.

    What ever I've written above are purely my opinion and varies from people to people and how we take it. All the very best. May god bless you. Keep up the good work:yes:......................Cheer up...........:mrgreen:
  4. honeybee

    honeybee Gold IL'ite

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    Hi harsha
    Just my humble opinion..
    I feel your MIL is feeling emotionally insecure being a widow,especially because you had a love marriage.She has started believing that your husband cares more for you than her.
    One of the solutions to solve your problem could be..
    Ask your husband to interact more with her,express his affection for her explicitly and you can try to make her feel that she knows everything and you would like her to teach you what to do.
    I know it's painful and tough to follow but to make things go smooth you should try.


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